After a month and a half of not seeing Kyle we finally got together so I could see the house finished. I was so nervous to see him and I didn't know what the outcome would be. The house looked amazing, changed from when I was there. He at least hugged and gave me a kiss when I came in. We sat out on the deck while he made himself dinner. I did most of the talking about all the exciting discoveries I had made about myself and how happy I was. Kyle said hardly anything even when I pressed him with questions. I should mention that he had only found out 2 weeks prior that he was being let go from his job, another stressor. He just wasn't himself, hardly talking, quite grouchy and seem to just not care overall. When we came back in and sat down on the couch I made a few joke remarks about things I missed, like foot rubs. Then 5 minutes later he said he was tired, wanted to go to bed and that was it. He walked me to the door and I realized I had not asked one question regarding where we stood. As we hugged goodbye I asked if we were going to hang out more often with a response of I don't know, call me if you want to do something. Not quite the evening I had seen happening and still that left me unknown to the future of our relationship.
After a few more days of feeling way more anxious than I'd like to, I realized I needed to just tell Kyle what I feel and want. I had pushed to hang out for the weekend but he was busy. Another few days of thinking and I wrote up exactly what I wanted to say. Nothing pushy or accusing, just that I thought now with the projects over and time apart that I thought we could now give our relationship another chance. That I've made some good changes in my own life and ready and wanting to be together. I left it as a voicemail since he didn't answer, got a text that he was busy and would talk to be later. 2 days later he finally called me. The conversation was light-hearted and we talked about what we were up to. He then addressed my voicemail and said that we were broken up. I've waited 2 months for him to just define what we are. I told him thats what I've wanted to know. But I was irked that after I had asked hundreds of times during those two days what are we and he would not answer, said he didn't know and didn't want to label and put a definite end to this. Apparently he changed his mind and already had us as broken up, would have been nice to know that. He said he still wanted to be friends, but did not want me to hold out any hope that even a year from now we would get back together. He also didn't think someone could change that fast to which I had to make him understand that I am still the same to most people but have changed inwardly and now see myself more clearly and in a better light. It was all an internal change of awareness, but he just doesn't seem to understand. I have gone back and forth about this and decided that I have to look at the bigger picture.
With my newfound understanding and respecting myself more I realize that I deserve better, someone who will stick through the hard times and give second chances. Things got difficult in Kyle's life and I became insecure and we stopped communicating. Then I started to make changes to my habits and Kyle's life just got more stressful and he gave up. He gave up on me and our relationship. He changed from the person I met as did I and yet would not give us time to adapt to life changes and get closer.
I want someone who will fight for me, understand me, help me to be my best and stick through the tough times. Kyle just stopped trying and I don't want that. I'm bombarded with memories that pull at my emotions but I know that eventually things will get easier and the feelings will find there proper place and move on. There is still a part of me that hopes there might be a possibility in the future for us. If it is meant to be, the universe will make it happen. If not Kyle there is someone even better suited for me that will complete my life who will have been worth the wait.
I'm still deciding how I want to proceed regarding Kyle. Do I push to be friends and hang out together, or do I just walk away? It is his loss that he would have to fight to get back but I think with trying to find a job that is his only focus. He might be lost for a long time and I need someone who is able to support me and have the ability to work on a relationship and right now he can selfishly be just about himself and his problems. Obviously not good timing for us. Kyle was the first time I was with an amazing guy who was what I had been looking for. Now I know it does exist and to not settle for less and to keep trying.
My next step is to get back into the dating pool. It will help me move past Kyle and give me opportunities to meet someone again. Part of my wants to hold back and wait for Kyle but that is unfair to me, so I must move on. I was happy with Match.com so I'm going to try again and test out their night out option to meet people in a more natural way. Guess the dating dialog will being again.....
