New Thought

I've decided I'm more of a pessimist when it comes to my life.  And I seem to focus more on the negative and things I don't have.  But I realize that I'm overlooking all the awesome things I have in my life.  Example:  I still can't seem to get over Kyle and I think it might be part that he was the real deal and who I thought I had a future with and he made promises to make me think that.  Its put me in a place where even the really good, nice guys can hurt, lie and aren't to be trusted. (I know my heart can't take being broken again)  This being said I still talk to people on Match.com and meet them in hopes that somehow there is an even better guy out there for me, who is the right one.  Last weekend I was suppose to go a first date with a guy I'd been emailing that I was really interested in getting to know better.  After a drive into Portland and waiting at a wine bar, he never showed and I was stood up.  This was followed by him not returning my emails and blocking his profile.  This was the last straw for me and I took it as a sign that for now I need to stop dating as its just making everything even that much harder to deal with in my life.  I put myself out there time and again and each time it blows up in my face leaving another scar.  I feel its time I step back, stop dating, only look for friends and hope that someone will find me instead.

So thats the sad stuff and sometimes my heart physically hurts from the emotional pain thats been caused.  Kyle has left me broken in a way I didn't think could be possible.  Add this to the lack of success I'm having with dating it all seems hopeless.  Yet somehow I'm still willing to keep causing pain in hopes of finding the right one.  I hate that all this pain and sorrow affects so much of how I perceive my life and the success of it.

But here is the flip side.  When I look at the positive blessings I have in my life it sometimes shocks me.  I have a job and coworkers I love.  Coming to work is enjoyable and gives me the structure I need.  I workout 5 days a week and am addicted to it.  I get to see Aimee almost everyday to workout and I've known her since the beginning of the Joe days so she knows all my baggage lol.  We help motivate and boost each other when we need it.  Then there is Mitzi and of course Kacie (even though she is far away - we talk, facetime and are there for each other always)  I have these 3 amazing girl friends who have supported me through every up and down of guys and life.  I realize that when I spend time with them I really am happy and can be myself.  Then I think why don't I fill my time more with the people who really love me? Then I have a great family.  Regardless of ups and downs with mom and dad, I enjoy that we live close and can hang out.  I live in a location and state I love.  Best yet I'm about to become a home owner and make Oregon my permanent home.  Buying this house feels so right that the entire process has been smooth and down right easy.  Not sure the last time I felt this good about a decision much less one of the biggest ones I will make in my life.  I needed change and this is a great choice.  No more following guys to their locations, or waiting to marry someone to own a house.  I love it here and now I get to stay on my terms.  Plus I've done the entire process by myself.  Mom and dad only knew I was thinking about it until Tuesday when I dropped the ball it was official and the loan was in process.  I feel I'm finally making ALL my decisions myself and its a really good feeling, finally an adult 100%.

Ok that was a long few paragraphs, but here's the summary of it.  There's a part of my life that is completely not to my liking and affects me physically and emotionally in ways that sometimes I don't know what's the point of going on.  But on the other hand I have more than enough to be grateful for and add to for a good and happy life.  I will say its one or the other.  Miserable or happy.  I can't focus on the good in my life while thinking and worrying about being single.  Which is why I have to stop dating.  I'll have a few really great days where I am happy with everything in my life and could go on every day that way.  Then I'll receive a text or my mind will bring up memories and all the good ceases to have ever existed.  Its a fine line I'm still trying to find the balance to stay on the happier side of things.

My favorite quote:  "We must let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  I love this because I think everyone assumes their life will be a certain way and then miss out on the all the good stuff by not recognizing that letting go of expectations and just living, life will become the one we really want.

Why?

Quick catch up.  I went out with Jon a few more times but could not ever really be completely into him.  He is a great guy, fun to hang with but I just don't feel enough to continue.  It would be one thing if we hung out just as friends but with kissing involved that made things more serious.  I think he might wondered but we only texted maybe once a week before we hung out so it was an easy transition.  Jeff stills pops up occasionally to hang out.  He is nice to spend time with but I can tell he likes me more than a friend and I'm just not interested in him that way.  As long as we can just stay as friends I'm still open to hanging out.  Also Karl will text every so often to say hi.

On other news Zack got married yesterday, Kyle will not return my calls and Brett has become busy with wrestling and his girlfriend.  All my exs have left me and moved on, why can't I?  I still talk to guys on match.com and that keeps my mind occupied.  I went on a date yesterday with a guy I was interested in but not sure what happened because he stood me up.  He had confirmed our date which makes me think something happened to cause the no show.  But because there were so many things on my mind it just added fuel to my anger.  I feel that I keep trying and yet it blows up in my face over and over again.  I am broken from Kyle and trying to repair and move on but every guy after does not add up to him and then disappoints in some way.  Not sure with that how I'll ever recover.

If I could I would love to stamp out that last piece of hope I have over finding someone.  I think it would be so much easier to completely give up and move on.  But somehow I'll meet someone online and I get the slightest hope that just maybe this one could be it.  So even when I try it seems impossible to let if go completely.  With all that being said I am trying to move on to other changes in my life including buying a house.  I plan on marrying my house and letting it take top priority in my life.  Something to help give me a new focus.