It's Over....But I learned something

After such a great weekend and missing Josiah all week I was looking forward to the coming week.  We had spoken on a phone a bit and had a somewhat struggled conversation on Thursday.  I've found that when he has had a few drinks he is not quite his normal self and then we start talking about our relationship and things don't go well.  He accuses and I get defensive and there is nothing productive that comes from it.  The conversation ended and I was upset that I don't want to talk when he is not completely himself.  So on Friday morning I called to talk about it, he agreed and I felt like things were better.  I had not planned on the weekend as he had been busy all week fishing, but he invited me to watch the Oregon State game over at a friend's house.  I met him there and was so excited to see him.  But he sat me down and told me he had concerns that I was always making jabs at him about being better or changing and didn't like him just the way he was.  He said my expectations were high and he could not live up to them.  He said a lot of things and a few hit a chord with me.  I got emotional, was told not to make a scene and that I should just go home.  I had driven all the way out there to watch the game and did not want to leave.  He was upset and proceeded to drink himself to oblivion, from there things went downhill.  We talked seriously two more times, but he was so drunk he could barely look at me straight and he was not kind in those conversations.  It got too uncomfortable overall at the party and I chose to go home, but not without have one more awful conversation with a very drunk and smoking Si.  I saw a side of him he had warned me about but I did not believed existed.  This was not the loving, kind, sweet, funny guy I had been dating, here was someone I did not recognize and had no desire to be with.  After a long drive home crying and talking with my best friend I realized this was the best solution and as tough as he had been he was speaking the truth.  We are too different to make this work.  I am not willing to budge on my standards, values and expectations and he is not willing to change from the lifestyle he grew up with and currently living.  And some parts of his lifestyle I will not put up or deal with.  That being said it was still hard and not how he should have gone about breaking up with me.  Only the day before I had publicly announced to the Facebook world how happy I was that I was with someone who understands and loves me for my real self, that he was a wonderful addition to my life and loved him.  A grand gesture from me and everyone was excited about it.  Sadly I removed it two days later, something to remember for the next time that unless its been a long time and I'm engaged I need to keep relationship information off of social media as it changes constantly and hate to get other people's hopes up.

Si contacted me 2 days later to apologize mulitple times for his behavior and how horrible he felt. But even with that he said it would not work as we have too many different ideas and standards and I wanted him to change into someone he is not. Plus after seeing his darker side I can let go of this and move on from it as that is not something I want part of my life or future. We have decided to try and be friends as we got along so well. For the current moment thats a little hard as it's still new but I hope that we will be able to go do activities together in the future and have fun as friends.

It took me a long time to jump in this relationship because I too had my concerns.  But it felt right and so I gave it a chance and I feel good about that.  Some things are not meant to be and as much as it is sad I came out learning some very important things about myself.  This is the first relationship I have had with a guy where I respected myself and didn't cave into things just because I knew that would make the other person happy.  I never lowered my standards or expectations and have found through this where I stand with church, something I have always had issues and confusion about.  My calling in the Primary has changed my life.  I do not want to harm what I have and am happy.  I have found the right balance where I am myself and have church apart of that.  I have chosen boys over everything and changed myself for them because I did not know myself and what I stood for, that is no longer the case.  I know what I value, what I won't budge on and what is most important to me and what I want in my future.

I always date non-Mormons because that's where I feel I fit and can be most myself.  Problem is that church always comes up and becomes an issue because I cannot change the way I was raised and certain things are always going to be important to me even when I am willing to compromise in other areas.  I was raised to expect and live certain ideas and as much as I have fought them for most of my life I have realized that they are me and will always come to surface at some point as being important.  So now I do not know who I should date.  Finding a single Mormon, who is normal, I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me and we connect is like asking for the impossible.  We usually do not relate and connect in the way I am looking for, but as much as I get along better with people who aren't Mormon, most will not be willing to accept my very strong upbringing and values that will affect our relationship and family in the future.  If only there was a rough around the edges Mormon that might work, someone a little more relaxed, open-minded, understanding but still has the same values as I do.  This might be a very tall order and maybe there is only one person out there who will fit it.  And it might but up to him to come find me.  I've decided to take a long break from dating.  I was mostly doing it to meet new people and have some social opportunities as opposed to finding a guy and yet that's what ended up happening.  For now I'm just going to enjoy the life I currently have and be happy with myself and all the new discoveries I have recently made about myself.

Hit the one month!

After a long week of emotional ups and downs regarding what I wanted from this relationship I felt my brain finally go back to normal.  During the week Si and I had another tough talk and this time it came with an ultimatum.  Either I am in and will act and behave like a girlfriend or I need to let him go.  Honestly I still didn't know what to do so I took it to a high power.  I made the choice to stay with Si and make the effort to see what the relationship could become, then prayed about it to see if that was the right choice.  I went to bed and next morning waited to see how I felt.  For the most part I just felt calm, something I have not been feeling lately.  I felt relaxed and at the gym with Aimee I got a few more realizations to put me in the right place.  Other people were moving on and so could I.  I took everything as a sign and my answer that I was making the right choice and was going to do my best to put my best foot forward and show what a great girlfriend I can be.  Without even asking the next day what my decision was he called and we talked about our days.  One thing I really love about Josiah is that we can just talk openly about anything and easily move from one topic to another and can always find something to laugh and relax with regardless of how serious the conversation is.  It is a blessings to be with someone where we really talk about everything and communication is very important to both of us.  I want to have someone I can be honest and open with and work on building a stronger relationship with.

I have decided I do not have to worry about the future I just need to enjoy the present and things will work out the way they are suppose to.  Si was happy about my choice to make more effort and that I'm in all the way.  Last weekend was a good one.  He came over and on Saturday we watched the Ducks game, I made him breakfast, we went shopping, had dinner and then visited his aunt's family and my best friends house.  Also went to the batting cages and hung out.  I was being myself and showing all the things I can offer.  Sometimes our conversations make our differences more obvious but we talk through them and always come out better because of it.  Another thing I really love is that we pray together, something I've never done with a guy before.  We take turns and his prayer over the weekend was the sweetest, most thoughtful one I have ever heard.  I really do have a guy, that's mine, who really cares about me and let's me know how special I am to him constantly.

We hit a month since our first date on Monday and as I look at things this is definitely a different relationship than I have ever had with a guy.  We started out really fast and I put the brakes on things and he has been willing to wait which makes me respect him more.  Perhaps for him it was all rainbows and songs but for me it has been different in how I feel things.  Yes there are some broken pieces but now that I have thrown myself all in I think the feelings and emotions will eventually come.  I am not so blow away that I can't be myself and really see things how they are, rather the complete opposite.  Being pulled back has let me be my real self good and bad and we have worked on building our friendship while working on our relationship.  Maybe not fireworks yet, but this lets the true love grow over time so that I can learn how to love and be with someone for all of their parts and for them to know all of mine.  Si is a good man who has forgotten who he really is at times in his life, as I have done the same thing.  He is about to start a new job that he has built up and wait patiently for for a long time and I think this will be the beginning of his adult life.  In the past he has just been getting by on the minimum and enjoying being single and doing his own thing.  I think when he gets truely settled everything will change.  I'm happy to be able to be apart of his life from here on out and grow together.  Only time will tell how what things will become but after a really strong week I am happy with where everything is going.  I was very resistant to letting go and giving this a real try and I am happy that Si waited for me to get to that point and I look forward to seeing what the future holds for us.  I know one day the love will come into full bloom for me and I will be glad that I took the long way to really build the kind of relationship I have be waiting for.  Many more opportunities and adventures on the horizon!

Long Weekends

Si came down on Friday and I was prepping for a baby shower I was hosting.  He was patient and just entertained himself with TV and his cellphone while I spent several hours baking and cleaning.  We then hung out and took some really goofy pictures of ourselves.  The next day he went fishing and I did my shower, which was a success.  He came over that afternoon and we went to dinner and movie.  That was the most normal, typical kind of date that we have been on and I must say one of my favorite.  Just being out with my boyfriend at the movies was a treat.  And apparently a movie with some violence seemed to bring out my emotions, go figure.  But as I was sitting here I became to feel the feelings I know are there, that I love Si and our time together.  I was proud to have him as mine and looked forward to many more fun times like this.  I was excited for my parents to meet him and get to know him.  Sunday I went to church and he went with his parents to church.  He came over to my house and said he had a headache, he proceeded to take a two hour nap which I cleaned and did laundry.  Poor guy I had to wake him to head to my parents.  We went for dinner and stayed to chat.  Si talked a lot and told many stories, some I wasn't sure my parents would want to hear.  Afterward he didn't think my mom liked him and figured longevity would be what would win her over.  When I asked them they said he was nice and that was all I got.  My parents have some concerns but think they just need to get to know him better.  They like things that are within a certain degree of their box of ideas and expectations.  Si and I are very different in many aspects and so I think some of that came out, also he is in a lot of transitions in his life right now.  I will say that after having a serious conversation with my mother it threw me off a bit.  Couple that with crazy brain PMS and it was a rough week.  I could not decide what I felt or wanted and I was very open with Si about my concerns.  At least I know he is patient as he put up with my up and downs of my brain and some emotional freak outs.  All that and he still thinks I'm amazing.

I went down on Saturday of last week for the Labor Day weekend.  We went to a Duck's game party with some of his friends and then went to a bar so watch the the Oregon State game.  We came back to his house and watched a movie and had some really tough conversations.  I cried a lot, I could not tell if its fear or what that has been pulling away and fighting this relationship.  We kind of got things ok but I was still struggling.  The following day we went out fishing on the lake and enjoyed casting and the scenery.  We then went to one of his favorite beaches Lake Meares.  We headed back to pick up hot dogs and smore supplies.  Ran into friends of Si's and got invited to their house to have tuna loins wrapped in bacon.  Really great people, good food and lots of laughs.  Afterwards we set up a campfire in his backyard by the river and roasted smores.  Then after a good day he expressed some concerns that I'm trying to breakup or not that into the relationship or can't get over my concerns.  We proceeded to have another tough talk and then came back in to watch a movie.  The next morning we hung out watching movies then I headed back home.  The weekend had highs and lows and I'm trying to figure things out.  My brain is all over the place and I just hope I can get it all clear in my mind.