Well that's different

I'll report that I still go occasionally on Match and talk with people but I have not been on a date in a while and I'm liking it that way.  In an earlier post I had said I don't date Mormons very often, mostly because I rarely meet them and have interest.  Funny enough I met two online on the same day and both living in Provo.  The one guy, the artist, we only emailed a few times on Facebook then he gave me the news he was going to start trying to date this one girl more serious.  I wished him luck and moved on.  I've realized lately with being older that I can take rejection so much better, I also can move on quickly when someone is not interested.  Why waste my time on someone who doesn't want to be with me in the right way of a relationship, moving on! 

The next guy is from the area I live in and come to find out once we became Facebook friends that he use to live in my ward, I used to teach his little sister at the elementary school and know some of his family members.  What a small world this is.  He is in Utah finishing up his accounting degree, he plays in a band and seems like a pretty good guy.  I figure if he comes here to visit for Christmas to see his family maybe we could meet.  Also I have taken to younger men.  Each of these guys are 29 and now I've found someone even younger at 23!  So I serve with a lady in the Primary who has two sons out on missions.  She talks about her sons a lot and it got brought up about the older of the two how much alike we are, even if there is a large age gap.  I've thought over this a few times and the last time we talked I brought up the fact that I would open to someone that young, who knows.  She seemed excited about it and told her son, who suggested that I write him.  It then took me a week to decide what I thought about that.  In my older age I realize I do everything deliberately and with purpose.  I would not start writing a much younger guy on a mission if I did not have any interest in really getting to know him.  He's a true redhead and that throws me off a bit as that's never been my thing, but outside of that he is very cute and the cutest of his other brothers.  He seems to have a fun personality so I decided I'd like to know him more.  His mom seems thrilled and sent me his email address and access to read his mission blog.  I'd like to say I read the entire thing, every single entry!  Figured it would be a good way to get to know him and what his life has been like the last 1.5 years.  What I read interested me more and I chose to write him an email.  I'm impatiently curious to have him read it and see what his response is.  I sent a picture of me so at least he knows who writing and I'm not half bad lol!  He'll be home in March and I've decided that even if there's not anything romantic between us he will be hanging around working for the summer and I would love someone to do things with.  This can work out either way but it will be fun to get to know someone new, but no risk of meeting or dating them for many months out.

Some thoughts I've had about these newer guys.  I am always interested in thinking maybe one day there really will be a Mormon guy out there and things will follow the more traditional path.  But then I get in my head and worry if they will be too churchy, uptight and all the other things that irritate me about super religious people.  I want someone to understand I have a past and have made mistakes and want no judgement towards me or even others for their choices.  I'm pretty openminded to what people choose to do with their lives and I want a companion who can be just as open and not as strict on rules, like how I was raised.  I've seen both sides and I want to find a happy medium.  But I will consider these interesting developments, ones I have not had in a long time and out of the usual realm of people I meet.

Last remarks on the former

Well I was not sure Si and I could even be friends. We text and things seemed fine but if we talked on the phone it was the same issues are before.  Him whining and wanting to talk about us, our relationship and how much he wants me.  In my mind especially because of the way he ended it I didn't think this would even be a problem.  I didn't end things, he did and yet I'm the one feeling bad.  This is a first relationship where I jumped all in, minus feelings, and the ending completely ended it for me where I don't have lingering hopes with him. Yet all he does is tell me how he missed me, wants to see me, be close to me.  I think it find it entertaining since he was the one who broke up with me and yet wants to be together even though he also knows it won't work out.  Anyway the last few conversations were almost more than I could deal with.  He came over about 2 weeks after we ended it and I did say we could try friends with some benefits but all he wants is to push it further than cuddling and kissing and I'm not for that at all.  The following weekend when he wanted to stop by I said no because he kept pushing the limits and seeing how we are not in a relationship and I don't want that, I'd rather just not hangout at my house and rather go do public activities where that will not be an issue.  As usual he was offended and his feelings were hurt.  I feel like I always have to chose my words carefully so as to not hurt his feelings.  But I have tried to not make any effort to contact other than responding to him and that seems ok.

We did hang out a few weeks ago when I was invited to go fishing with him, his mom and sister.  It was interesting but I caught my first big fish!  The day ran long and I had a first date with someone new.  He felt the need to rub in to his family that I was going on a date with someone else.  To which I finally lashed out that it was his choice to end things between us.  Anyway I was in a hurry and left without saying goodbye to his family and have never felt ruder in my life.  I had to really revive myself for the date that night as I was tired and feeling overwhelmed with things.  But the date went nice, first one I'd been on since meeting Si.  The guy was nice, good conversation but like all dates was a one time thing.  It's just meeting people and if there's no spark then there is rarely ever a second date.  That was a long and busy weekend that I then followed the next day and went on another date.  We met at the Portland Market and walked around, ate at a Columbian food cart and picked up VooDoo donuts.  He was also a really nice guy, had things to talk about but really had nothing in common.  Another one timer.

These were random dates and honestly I think I like the fun of talking to people online but really have no interest in dating.  My feelings and emotions are kind of broken, dead, locked away, something so it makes it impossible to have a truely real connection with someone.  In fact one night I tried to remember the last person I was with where I felt something and tried to re-feel what it was like to have feelings and I nearly threw up.  So the running joke now is when I meet the right guy, he'll say I love you, I'll finally feel again and throw up lol!  But hey at least I can tell him that means I love him back haha.  Oh dear!

I should say since that fishing trip with Si, things are finally settling down and we are becoming just friends.  He will occasionally hit me up on Facebook or text me and it is always friendly and non-threatening.  Think we have reached a good space where the relationship part really is over and I can just enjoy him as a good friend.  He was kind of the icing on the cake where I really see how much I am happy with my life and don't feel the need or rush to not be alone.  Lack of feelings removes the loniness feeling and I can enjoy all the freedom my life gives me.  Everyone has their trials and even though I'm unmarried, lately I have been enjoying all my independent moments and glad for each of them.  My life my one day change and I want to look back and not have any regrets that I did not enjoy the time I had to myself.  Life is good!