Moving

Well Kyle finally got the keys to his new house and we spent the weekend moving him in.  I am still in the learning phase of this relationship and have more things to change.  I'm not used to sharing my thoughts and wants openly.  I usually just go with the flow, but I have been informed that I need to speak up and say what's on my mind.  I think I try to keep the peace when really I should be standing up and being more verbal.  I have never been in a secure, equal relationship and there are things I'm only now learning and becoming aware of.  Being apart of this move has been a good test for us.  Learning how to share space and keeping both parties happy and productive has been key.  I've adjusted to not being the main focus and become ok with not helping and just letting him do his own thing, even when I'm present.  He has many times apologized for ignoring or being in a cranky mood, but I don't feel the need for an apology and just enjoy getting to spent time near him.  I also would like to interject how much I appreciate that Kyle kindly and lovingly helps keep me in check.  I need someone to remind me to chill out and relax and he does just that, which keeps me being my best!  I know once things calm down with the house we'll be able to spend more quality one on one time, but until then I am happy with the time I get to spend with him.  I get to meet his parents with weekend and am looking forward to taking another step in this relationship.

1 Month

We have made it to the month anniversary! And some interesting things have transpired in the last week.  We continue to hang out almost everyday.  I'm happy to say I have matured enough to accept that life gets busy and sometimes we just can't hang out and I'm completely ok with that.  The free time allows me to accomplish my own errands and projects and to get personal time.  This is new for me as usually I get clingy and freak out if there is space that it means things are going south.  But with experience and time I realize now that the space apart is just how life works and usually has a more positive affect on a relationship.  I feel bad that I've deserted all my girlfriends but as this has happened to me over the last 10 years I figure its just my turn to be wrapped up completely with someone.  Eventually things will mellow enough that I can start making time for my friends.

Last weekend we hit a big bump.  Had a day off from seeing him then Thursday went great, taking time away seems to make seeing each other that much more special.  But the next day something felt off but I figured maybe I was just giving off a weird vibe (or I was tired), but feeling the distance just made me act weirder.  By Saturday morning things were definitely not good.  With a failed attempt to find a rock quarry to go shooting in the mountains I was upset, too tired and emotionally breaking.  We returned and I thought maybe the day was over since I was definitely not myself and there was a huge gap that I was grasping to fix. Kyle then sat me down and let me know he was feeling disconnected.  I took this as, we are breaking up, and the tears started.  But this man loves me enough to hold me as we talked about what we were feeling and how to make it better.  There were things that were bothering him and I expressed my fears.  It was amazing to openly talk about things and know that we both wanted to make them better.  He headed out and I followed an hour later to continue the plans for the day.  Let me just say that the talk we had has completely changed and made everything even better.  We spent the day hiking and exploring Portland, then enjoyed the evening together.  Sunday he came over and spent an entertaining evening with my parents.  Monday we took a break and then have been working around him moving and all the complications coming with that as we try to fit in time together.  As we have come on a month of dating we are closer than ever!  Open communication is key.  He worries about me and my happiness and I am the same about him.  We are equal partners in this relationship and by always being open to talk about things it just makes us stronger as a couple.  I have let him focus on moving and kept myself entertained and he has appreciated that I am supportive and allow him to put his attention elsewhere for the present.  We continue to express our opinion and concerns and solve the issue.

More Firsts

We spent the entire weekend together.  Went hiking and how great is he; walks on the cliff side, holds my hand and kisses me in public!  I feel special all the time.  We went to dinner with his friends and ran errands all ends to a great day.  The next day was Easter and I made him dinner, dessert and had candy filled eggs with a card.  In response I recieved a massage that was done with a touch of sweetness like I've never had before!  I still ask how did I get this lucky, when really I should be saying I'm a wonderful person who finally found a man deserving of me.  Really I think it goes both ways that we are both blessed to have found each other.

We are finally getting into a routine of daily life and making time for each other.  I see him almost every day and savor every moment we have together.  There are stresses and big things coming up soon that I think will be a good test for us, as well as add to the adventures we can have as a couple.

I officially posted pictures of Kyle and I together and got the reaction I expected.  He posted them on his Facebook page and I felt overjoyed as we obviously look like a couple.  I knew friends on my end would have plenty to say so I independently posted them to my own album.  Eventually when all the shock and excitement dies down it will be easier to link him with me as being in a relationship.  But everyone is happy for me and wants to know more.  I figure keep posting pictures as my way of showing how its going without telling details to too many people.  A first for photos with a guy I like, posting them to my page and letting people publicly know I'm in a relationship are all big things for me but I'm happy to make that step.

I'm in new territory and hope that I can successfully master the ins and outs of a relationship and have a long future ahead of me with Kyle.

How to Say I Love You

Ok so I have never looked a guy in the eye and said I Love You!  I've thought it, whispered it while they sleep or hoped my eyes would have the words written a cross.  But I have never truely said it to someone.  I thought I loved 4 guys in my life and apparently I wasn't really in love with any of them and definitely did not feel any love reciprocated by them.  Now things are different.  Kyle is beyond amazing and by our second date I felt for him like I have never felt for another guy.  I want to tell him so badly how much I love him but I've never said it before and want it to be special.  Also I really want for him to say it first.  Those two things have kept me from shouting on rooftops.  I truely see him and I know he really sees me, and I want him to know just how much I love him.  Yes we say things like, I love your eyes, love the way we get along, love how we connect, love your smile, love how wonderful you are.  Really all those things are like saying I love you already but I want the official one and with the same response.  I've waited because I don't want to say it prematurely in the relationship but it honestly is how I feel for this man and I want him to know how I've waited, hoped and been discouraged that I would never met the right guy and yet here he is before my eyes in the living flesh!  I see him daily, kiss his lips and lay beside him held tightly.  I feel safe, I trust him wholely and I want to live in a world where he is apart of it.  He is tender, kind, sweet, thoughtful, romantic, loving, caring, open, funny, with all the qualities a girl could only dream about. 

Maybe that is where I struggle, I've found what I thought didn't exist and I don't want to hurt what I have.  My mind likes to play tricks on me and make me doubt myself and my relationships and I can be my own worst enemy.  I want this to last forever and want to be the best I can be for Kyle.  My experience being in a relationship is limited.  Most I ever had was 3 months with someone and the last half did not go well.  In my mind I can picture what a relationship should look like but I've never actually had the experience to know how to behave, what to say and how to keep it working.  He has been there and gotten the experience and I am just a naive girl trying not to mess things up on my first time (and hopefully last) being in a relationship.  I hope that he loves me enough to put up with my faults and give me the benefit of the doubt when I screw up.  I suppose any relationship is a learning experience because the person you are with is not someone you have been with before and everyone is different.  Guess only time will tell and I'll just have to stay out of my head and try to be my best.

I'd like to wait to tell him I love him, but I think he should know how I feel up front so my intentions are clear in hoping this relationship lasts a very long time.  I've waited my entire life for someone like Kyle, so why wait any longer to tell him how I feel.  No better time than the present and I should live every day like it could be the last.  Be in the now and enjoy every moment!

Feeling Special

As we get closer to week 2 of me and Kyle all is still wonderful.  We finally had a day where we didn't get to see each other, not my favorite.  Trying to get back into my own routines even though I feel like I never have a enough time to get everything done.  At least last night I got a few hours to myself to try and unwind.  I am so sleep deprived lately I'm worried it's going to become a problem because me without sleep is a scary thing.  I get very in my head, over analyze, and can ruin things just by not thinking clearly.  I already feel I'm not as much myself because I'm tired and apparently have allergies which has had some side effects to how I feel too. I'm hoping this weekend can help get me back on track.

I'm happy to report that Kyle and I still feel like the luckiest people and completely grateful and loving of what we have in each other. He had plans for weekend which I was going to use to get some errands done and instead he cancelled everything in order to spend all his time with me.  I had a slight setback when we became Facebook friends and saw how fun, cute, social, active and popular he was.  Had a moment of he is better than me and how do I deserve him.  An intense workout, time alone and seeing him put all that fear to rest.  It's hard to change worries and fear that have always been confirmed when dating.  I always want things to work out with the person I'm with but then somehow doubt, lies and whatever end a relationship.  Kyle is definitely different and I hope that it continues to be that way and last a lifetime.  He is the most wonderful man I've ever met.  Funny, kind, tender, loving and sees me for the person I am in the best way, I am so lucky!

I look forward to the adventures we can have together, the future is bright!

Happiness

Its been a week and life is going great. The more time I spend with Kyle getting to know him the more I love everything about him. My parents had us over to dinner and this was a first for me. I have never brought a guy over to meet my parents much less after only a week. We even held hands and kissed in front of them definitely lots of firsts for me. I just love all the time I get to spend with him talking and hanging out. We have so much in common it makes things easy. Also the fact that we can talk openly about anything, even the personal things really makes such a difference. I am myself with him, relaxed, open, fun, outgoing and lovable. There is nothing like being with someone who says what they want and talks openly about the future. I feel safe and protected with him, which is very important. I know we have a future together and I am happy enjoying the present.

Making Decisions

I've have concerns about in how I perceive myself. I have always been a person that goes with the flow and many times makes my own rules. I am not extremely strict on some things church related and over the years I have realized that is ok as I am making decisions about my life that I personally choose to live by. That being said I am feeling an extreme amount of pressure from my mother in how I should conduct myself. I come from a family that I love and get along with, but we are not very open when it comes to personal things. Maybe it comes from fear that if I'm open there will be disappointment or that I will get a lot of criticism because of my choices. Mostly the latter and because of that I'm feeling conflict with me, Kyle and my parents. Like I am a child who needs to be told what to do in my life and scolded if I stray from that. I'm 30 years old! I should be making my own decisions regardless if my parents agree or disagree, its my life and I make all the choices and live with the consequences. Yes I know there are things I need to try not to do for the obvious reasons but other things I don't think are that important. I feel that if I told my parents certain choices I make I would never hear the end of it or would be put down that I should be a better example. There is a fine line between what people expect of me that I want to live up to and making my own mind up about what I choose to do. Somehow I think there will be someone let down.

I want to be my own person and normally I am fairly good at doing that but it has taken most of my life to figure that out and then I still want to please my parents. The second one even though in my mind I want to please them I have countless times gone completely against what they want even as I struggle with living up the expectations I think they have for me. There lies the issue of what expectations I have put on myself that I think they have on my too. It's probably all in my head but I need to get a grasp on where I stand with everything as I do not want it to affect my relationship with Kyle. Who by the way loves the person I am with my religion but loves that I make my own choices and decisions.

I have been very open with my parents about my dates with Kyle and the things we talk about, but I think the time is coming to be more personal and private and only give the overview of the date and leave it at that. That really should be my approach with everyone as I do not wish to damage my relationship by being too open with all the details. Privacy is not keeping secrets just keeping information between you and the person you share them with, which can be part of trust as well.

I have met someone I want to share my life with and that means I have to have a trusting bond with them. I have overshared in the past and that needs to change. I just need to be myself and decide what I want from my life, religion and relationships and then stick with my choice. I am a good, kind person who looks out for others and tries to do my best. But I was raised a very specific way and always feel I'm letting people down if I deviate from that upbringing. Problem is I don't hold to everything I grew up with and want to be able to create my own standards without feeling bad they are different from my parents.

Just reading that last sentence makes me think I still need to grow up and be my own person. I've definitely improved but obviously am not completely 100% living to my own expectations.