Todays topic is one I struggle with but only in male relationships. In the rest of my life I am one of the most patient people. Maybe slightly less than I was in my youth, but I'm still calm and relaxed most of the time. This being said it frustrates me that I can't seem to have patience when it comes to dating and men. I can put up with so much and have great tolerance, but it's non-existant when I date. To wait for a guy to pursue, text, call, etc, yeah I fail time and again. I worry, stress, become impatient to the point I've mess up things by panicking too much. I just finished re-reading one of my favorite dating books Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus On a Date. It is possibly the best book ever for the right steps to dating and how to deal the the behaviors from the opposite sex. My approach has been wrong, hence my lack of success in dating. With this knowledge I want to be able to apply it to life with the hope that by correcting some bad habits I can find the right guy and create a lasting relationship.
Some habits are just hard to break, patience being my big one. When I'm with a guy I'm sure of things and can stay that way for a while but then I begin to doubt and worry which in turn makes me become needy and clingy in the relationship which causes the guy to pull away. With this new outlook on life and maturity I want to do things the right way with new Kyle, starting with being patient and letting him pursue me. But I must also be aware that when I stop pursuing and the guy is not making any moves that means he is not interested enough to make the effort and I should move on. This is usually where I fail because I don't wait for the guy, then I pursue so they go along with it and I think they like me when in reality I've made myself an easy hangout/hookup not that they truely have feelings for me. Then when it does end, I'm crushed because I liked them so much and I thought they liked me but really it was just the circumstance. When I finally find the right one I want to know that they did the work to catch me and want me over everyone else.
It's easy to say I'm going to be more patient, but putting it into practice is much harder. It's been 2 weeks since I spoke to Kyle on the phone and it was the last time we've had any contact. He has been away on trips the last 2 weekends, so I know he's been busy. I know that he will make contact based on the conversations we have had. Timing might not be quite right as he is newly out of a relationship and not ready to start a new one. I'm more than ready to start one but for the two of us the time might not be right now. What's not to say in a few months timing could be better. Question is, can I be that patient? I still go on dates with other people so I'm not holding out for him, but he is the only guy I've really liked since old Kyle, which makes him special and worth waiting for, for now. I've been really strong about waiting until yesterday when I hit the 2 week mark and now feel that desire to break the silence. Of course I know that would be a huge mistake. I want someone who will make the effort and I can't pursue, period! I usually give myself an end date where then I can break the rule and make contact but with him I worry that would be a mistake. Maybe he's too busy and just not thinking about it, but that's not what I want. Sometimes people need a nudge, but because of all my dating issues I think I need to follow all the rules, even if I feel I should do something different. My way has been nothing but failure so I have nothing to lose by trying a new approach. I need to pull myself together, be strong and fill up my mind and time with other things to keep me occupied. That way instead of feeling like I'm waiting, all I'm really doing is living a good, full life where wonderful things happen.
I learn more about myself every day and I who I am. Now I want someone to know me and love me and that is worth waiting and being patient. The reward will be great!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Oh randomness
I know that random things happen but this last week has been extra unexpected. Within a weeks time I have had contact with all 4 exes (guys I actually dated with some seriousness) It started off with old Kyle who texted completely out of the blue. After the lame Facebook party thing I figure any conversation was dead between us, apparently not! It was just a how are you, catch up texting but I threw in maybe I'll hit you up sometime to go hiking, which came with the response 'sounds good to me.' Guess this means we can be friends and hang out sometime. I'm past having feelings for Kyle so it would making hanging out easy. He also happens to be the only ex where we have not mastered being friends after dating so this is a good sign.
Next was Zack who has the habit of texting randomly. It had been a while so it was nice to just catch up. He was happy I was dating and told me he worries about me. We were always good friends so its nice to keep in touch occasionally.
This was followed by the first of all boy issues, Joe. I'm in Costco and I see him and his son, he didn't see me and I couldn't decide whether to ignore or say hi. Haven't seen him in about a year and our last conversation did not go well. Which is why I hesitated to say hi. But being the bigger person I stopped and ended up sitting and chatting for an hour. There is nothing better than realizing that I am so happy to be free from him. The entire conversation was about him. I think he asked all of one question, he just talked about himself the entire time. Really I shouldn't be surprised as he was always selfish and self-centered when we dated and when we were close friends. The only thing I kept thinking was why did I waste those 5+ years wishing and hoping it would work out with us. I'm just going to say what everyone else thinks and that is I was an idiot, a very big idiot! But have to take those experiences, learn from them and move on to better things.
After these three had made contact I was feeling pretty good that all my good vibes about myself must be trailing through the universe and even touching the men from my past. I figure I wouldn't hear from Brett as it had been a long time since we have had contact. But no, he was the final in this random quad of boys. Late evening I posted on Facebook about a movie I'd just seen and really liked and he commented followed by a text. Then he even proceeded to invite me to go to a movie sometime. As I wasn't sure he was single I did my due diligence to see what was up. From FB it would seem he is no longer seeing someone so maybe we can hang out this summer too. Other than old Kyle I was friends with all these guys prior to dating them seriously and so we have that to fall back on and be successful as friends.
I get a lot of crap from people that I am too nice to exes who have hurt me, but it is impossible for me to stay mad, get revenge or hold a grudge. I am very forgiving of others which I see as one of my virtues. All this interaction with these guys helps to put things in perspective and allows me to end my thoughts and feelings positively with them. What better way to move on from past relationships than with positive closure to know that they were good guys who I really liked but they were not the right fit for me and that's ok. I can learn from those relationships to know what I want in the next guy and how it can be even better. I feel like all these experiences are helping to get me ready for what's coming. I'm in such a good place in my life right now that this extra closure just tops everything. I am whole, I am open and I am ready for the next opportunity....
Next was Zack who has the habit of texting randomly. It had been a while so it was nice to just catch up. He was happy I was dating and told me he worries about me. We were always good friends so its nice to keep in touch occasionally.
This was followed by the first of all boy issues, Joe. I'm in Costco and I see him and his son, he didn't see me and I couldn't decide whether to ignore or say hi. Haven't seen him in about a year and our last conversation did not go well. Which is why I hesitated to say hi. But being the bigger person I stopped and ended up sitting and chatting for an hour. There is nothing better than realizing that I am so happy to be free from him. The entire conversation was about him. I think he asked all of one question, he just talked about himself the entire time. Really I shouldn't be surprised as he was always selfish and self-centered when we dated and when we were close friends. The only thing I kept thinking was why did I waste those 5+ years wishing and hoping it would work out with us. I'm just going to say what everyone else thinks and that is I was an idiot, a very big idiot! But have to take those experiences, learn from them and move on to better things.
After these three had made contact I was feeling pretty good that all my good vibes about myself must be trailing through the universe and even touching the men from my past. I figure I wouldn't hear from Brett as it had been a long time since we have had contact. But no, he was the final in this random quad of boys. Late evening I posted on Facebook about a movie I'd just seen and really liked and he commented followed by a text. Then he even proceeded to invite me to go to a movie sometime. As I wasn't sure he was single I did my due diligence to see what was up. From FB it would seem he is no longer seeing someone so maybe we can hang out this summer too. Other than old Kyle I was friends with all these guys prior to dating them seriously and so we have that to fall back on and be successful as friends.
I get a lot of crap from people that I am too nice to exes who have hurt me, but it is impossible for me to stay mad, get revenge or hold a grudge. I am very forgiving of others which I see as one of my virtues. All this interaction with these guys helps to put things in perspective and allows me to end my thoughts and feelings positively with them. What better way to move on from past relationships than with positive closure to know that they were good guys who I really liked but they were not the right fit for me and that's ok. I can learn from those relationships to know what I want in the next guy and how it can be even better. I feel like all these experiences are helping to get me ready for what's coming. I'm in such a good place in my life right now that this extra closure just tops everything. I am whole, I am open and I am ready for the next opportunity....
Thursday, April 18, 2013
In a Good Place
Well it's only taken 31 years but I have finally gotten to a truely happy place in life. I appreciate all the wonderful things that I have and good things continue to happen. I own a beautiful home, new car, job I love, great friends, family, health, and so much more. Yes I would love for a man to share in the journey with but I've finally come to that place where I'm overall happy regardless. Hopefully he is just around the corner and I've taken a new perspective and approach to dating. I've met someone I really like who is not ready for serious and instead of doing the usual pursuing I realize that its not my job. I want a man to pursue me, to make the effort to catch me. I love easily and with everything I have, so I don't worry of my capacity to love someone but I've yet to be truely loved by a man. No more of the old ways of playing the boy role and doing all the work, its time I let them earn my attention and love instead of giving it away so freely. My emotions are well guarded from experience and only someone who truely deserves it then will I let them out again. It could be new Kyle or not. It will be the person who fights for me. It's all about patience and it's a good lesson for me as that has not been my strong suit in dating. When I finally find the right person I want to know that they want me over anyone else and that I am that person they will love forever. In order for that to happen I have to give them the opportunity to pursue and catch me, which is where patience comes in. No more doing the calling, texting, planning, asking etc. I have to give him the chance to actually miss me and realize that he wants to spend time with me and will make that effort. Maybe this will happen and maybe he'll just forget about me and find someone else. If that is the case then it was meant to be and there will be someone else who will step up to the challenge and make me his.
This new view has come as a relief. There really isn't anything to worry or stress about regarding whether a guy likes me. If I'm important to him then he will make the effort, if not then I move on. This new thinking is a huge step. My pursuit of guys has been my constant downfall. Even if things are good I tend to smother them and become needy, now I know that by backing off and letting things happen in their own time that I can break my patterns. Maybe now the outcome will be different with this new approach.
Also I'm working on getting the image in my head of the perfect man for me so that I can send out to the universe that I'm ready and I know what I want. I'm clear in my mind what it is I'm looking for and know that with gratitude the universe with work to make this desire happen. My time is now!
Even aside from dating I've realize my entire mentality has changed. The way I see things, how I react, how my mind deals with things and my emotions. Like finally waking up as my real self and actually knowing that person. I use to fight back and forth of not really knowing where I stood on things and who I thought I was. Now I see and love myself. I understand my standards and values and what beliefs I have of the world. I'm become myself without the pull or influence from others. I am my true me! This is only the beginning of more realizations and discoveries, all of which I look forward to. It's hard to explain it in words as most of it is clarity in my mind. But the change has been felt and understood. The world awaits, now is the time to live!
This new view has come as a relief. There really isn't anything to worry or stress about regarding whether a guy likes me. If I'm important to him then he will make the effort, if not then I move on. This new thinking is a huge step. My pursuit of guys has been my constant downfall. Even if things are good I tend to smother them and become needy, now I know that by backing off and letting things happen in their own time that I can break my patterns. Maybe now the outcome will be different with this new approach.
Also I'm working on getting the image in my head of the perfect man for me so that I can send out to the universe that I'm ready and I know what I want. I'm clear in my mind what it is I'm looking for and know that with gratitude the universe with work to make this desire happen. My time is now!
Even aside from dating I've realize my entire mentality has changed. The way I see things, how I react, how my mind deals with things and my emotions. Like finally waking up as my real self and actually knowing that person. I use to fight back and forth of not really knowing where I stood on things and who I thought I was. Now I see and love myself. I understand my standards and values and what beliefs I have of the world. I'm become myself without the pull or influence from others. I am my true me! This is only the beginning of more realizations and discoveries, all of which I look forward to. It's hard to explain it in words as most of it is clarity in my mind. But the change has been felt and understood. The world awaits, now is the time to live!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Clean slate dating
Something strange has happened and I've decided to take a different approach to dating. With sound and wise advice from my dad I'm going to wipe out all my negative expectations when it comes to dating. If I always expect that things will be the same, hurt and disappointment, then that is always what I will get. One can take experiences learned in a relationship, good or bad, and use that knowledge for the next time without dragging their past baggage with it. Everyone has negative experiences they would rather not relive, so you take that experience to do better the next time without letting those past things bring down the next relationship. I'm going to admit its hard to wipe away that hurt and resentment completely, but it must be done. Each new person you date should get the courtesy of a being a clean slate where anything is possible. If not you have already set things to failure because no guy can win if you are dragging around all the things that 'other' guys have done to you. This goes for both men and women, people get burned, it happens but if you think that will always be the outcome you will continue to be unsuccessful. With this realization I see how things have failed before and I'm ready to turn things around starting now.
I've spent quite a bit of time lately trying to really set down what it is that I am looking for in a relationship and man. In the past I've been all over the map on the type of guy I'm wanting to find. I think it makes it impossible for the universe to bring you what you want if you're not 100% clear about what it is. So I've begun writing down what are the most important things to me, qualities I will not be without or compromise on. I need to know my boundaries and where I want things to be that compliment my values. I went out of my normal on Facebook and posted to the world all the things I am grateful for and that if I could ask life for one more thing it would be to find the right man for me. I'm ready finally to be my best self and do things the right way. I'm ready for success!
I'm in a really good place in my life and want that happiness to continue. Which leads me to the next update on Kyle. I decided I was done waiting for a text from him and so I made the move and got what I wanted. Promise of another date, and it was a good one! I knew I liked him and it was probably time for us to talk about what it is that we are looking for and if there was potential for us. I will confess as many time as I've wanted to have this conversation with guys, I've failed and never been able to be that open with them. Downside of that is you continue seeing someone and getting emotionally involved without knowing where each person is at and want they really want. This method usually blows up leaving someone (me) crushed when it ends suddenly. But that is all in the past now and I'm ready to do things right, being trusting, open and honest with my thoughts and feelings. Thankfully I'm dating someone who is already that way and did me the favor by starting the conversation. I was ready to push things a little more serious to see what potential there is and he's not ready to get into a relationship yet (just ended engagement 3 months ago) Can't say I was disappointed just needed a minute to process things. He likes to take things slow and let things blossom into a relationship on its own. No rushing into things, which sounds great to me as I have the tendency to rush into things without building a solid friendship and basis for a relationship. Maybe by taking a different approach I can now be more successful in dating. We are dating but will also be dating other people for the time being. I figure over time we will either want to become exclusive or move on to someone else. I get extra benefits with our dating that is exclusive to us. If anything changes and we meet someone else we want to have those benefits with we will discuss them first with each other. This much honestly is refreshing where I don't have to guess or get stressed about what's going on.
We had many more conversations about all sorts of things. I still don't know what it is about him that makes me feel so much like myself. I'm calm, relaxed and completely comfortable to be open with him. He thinks its the effect of how he was raised but I think its more than that even though that does help. Our vibe together is natural, fun, loving and playful. Also I think its the way we interact that adds so much to why I'm having such a good time. We act like a couple. Its the first time being affectionate with someone where it never feels overwhelming or forced. Its all in the little details and sweet gestures. Only time will tell whether this will bud into a full exclusive relationship that could go all the way to being the one or it will be a great opportunity to learn and discover this newer, better side of myself. I'm excited to see what the future holds!
I've spent quite a bit of time lately trying to really set down what it is that I am looking for in a relationship and man. In the past I've been all over the map on the type of guy I'm wanting to find. I think it makes it impossible for the universe to bring you what you want if you're not 100% clear about what it is. So I've begun writing down what are the most important things to me, qualities I will not be without or compromise on. I need to know my boundaries and where I want things to be that compliment my values. I went out of my normal on Facebook and posted to the world all the things I am grateful for and that if I could ask life for one more thing it would be to find the right man for me. I'm ready finally to be my best self and do things the right way. I'm ready for success!
I'm in a really good place in my life and want that happiness to continue. Which leads me to the next update on Kyle. I decided I was done waiting for a text from him and so I made the move and got what I wanted. Promise of another date, and it was a good one! I knew I liked him and it was probably time for us to talk about what it is that we are looking for and if there was potential for us. I will confess as many time as I've wanted to have this conversation with guys, I've failed and never been able to be that open with them. Downside of that is you continue seeing someone and getting emotionally involved without knowing where each person is at and want they really want. This method usually blows up leaving someone (me) crushed when it ends suddenly. But that is all in the past now and I'm ready to do things right, being trusting, open and honest with my thoughts and feelings. Thankfully I'm dating someone who is already that way and did me the favor by starting the conversation. I was ready to push things a little more serious to see what potential there is and he's not ready to get into a relationship yet (just ended engagement 3 months ago) Can't say I was disappointed just needed a minute to process things. He likes to take things slow and let things blossom into a relationship on its own. No rushing into things, which sounds great to me as I have the tendency to rush into things without building a solid friendship and basis for a relationship. Maybe by taking a different approach I can now be more successful in dating. We are dating but will also be dating other people for the time being. I figure over time we will either want to become exclusive or move on to someone else. I get extra benefits with our dating that is exclusive to us. If anything changes and we meet someone else we want to have those benefits with we will discuss them first with each other. This much honestly is refreshing where I don't have to guess or get stressed about what's going on.
We had many more conversations about all sorts of things. I still don't know what it is about him that makes me feel so much like myself. I'm calm, relaxed and completely comfortable to be open with him. He thinks its the effect of how he was raised but I think its more than that even though that does help. Our vibe together is natural, fun, loving and playful. Also I think its the way we interact that adds so much to why I'm having such a good time. We act like a couple. Its the first time being affectionate with someone where it never feels overwhelming or forced. Its all in the little details and sweet gestures. Only time will tell whether this will bud into a full exclusive relationship that could go all the way to being the one or it will be a great opportunity to learn and discover this newer, better side of myself. I'm excited to see what the future holds!
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