I know in my last post I said I was going to stop dating but of course that did not happen:) Instead I met more people and ignored the fact I got stood up, it happens. Again I met more interesting people and most were just one time dates, but every one of them was with a cute, nice guy. Maybe not interested in going past a first date but still fun. Great way to get out and try new places and people. There was one guy I actually liked, he had the best laugh, but sadly it was only a one time meeting which I kind of took personally. Why is it that when I am finally interesting its empty from the other side? With that there were a few guys that were more than just one date, but for different reasons not what I wanted or looking for and don't want to waste people's time if I'm not into it. I still occasionally go out with Jeff and we have a great time, I can be myself and sometimes I wish I was attracted to him because he's a good guy. But the physical attraction is not there, so we continue to hang out as friends, although I worry I need to reiterate to him so there are no misconceptions as to our friendship.
Some things have happened recently to make to look at the overall progress of my life. I've become a homeowner and could not be happier. I constantly have projects to do and things to learn which keeps me busy. Still dating and I feel like I am adding polution to my life. I know where my weaknesses are and am allowing them to show. I realize that I need to be the kind of person I want to meet and am falling short. I like the attention of dating. But I have found dating is either feast or famine and that's what controls whether I date or not. But I think its time I personally choose not to date even if the option is there. I should become completely comfortable with myself and work on having better communication skills and knowing what I want out of my life. I've recently switched wards at church and as much as I miss everyone I realize that I needed the change. Now I could disappear even more and instead I feel welcomed and part of it. Things seem to be changing in a good way. I like being there again and find I get the most clarity while at church. I needed something to be different in my life to help me make changes. In addition to these changes I've gotten some closure that has helped pushed me more.
I saw Kyle last week for the first time in months. He came to see the house and hung out for about an hour just chatting and catching up. While he was there it seemed like the most normal thing to have him relaxing at my house and made me miss him being more actively apart of my life. Leading up to this day dating made me miss Kyle and I was struggling more with letting go and not falling into sad places and memories. Seeing him in person and getting to spent time together for some reason was the closure I needed. He was the man of my dreams but turns out I was not his and he was being true to himself. It takes both people being right to work. I've had more time to reflect on my feelings and realize that as wonderful as our time was together I was never quite exactly what he wanted. Even close to the beginning he was trying to change me. I want to find someone that wants all of me just the way I am, flaws and all. When even on my worse day they can look at me and tell me they still love me. I should expect nothing less. I miss the relationship I had with Kyle and he truely was an amazing man, which are hard to find. He had the effect of always making me want to do better, be better. I love that I can feel inspired that way. When I date I think I should only be spending my time on guys that measure up to the shining qualities Kyle had that I want in a companion. To date just to date is a waste of everyone's time and energy and just leads to trouble.
With this newfound clarity I've decided on my own terms that I am going to stop dating. This includes starting things with guys on match.com. I think the time has come to focus inward and let the right guy come find me rather than me always throwing myself into the mix. I'm happy with other aspects of my life, why not remove the one thing that causes me frustration and focus on all the good. Yes there will always be guys popping up in my life, but its time to keep them in a friends only place. I still can't feel emotionally and maybe for now that is the best. It's time to allow myself to grow and be a better person. I need to know and understand all dimensions of myself, then maybe a wonderful man will come into my life and I'll be ready. On to the new, improved me!
