Ending.....?

It has been awhile since my last post.  In that time nothing exciting has happened.  I continue to write my missionary and am enjoying getting to know him.  It's been fun and I love writing once a week without any stress or worry about meeting or dating.  Obviously that will change in March when he comes home and I will actually get to meet him, but I won't worry about that for now.

I did spend an afternoon with a good friend (not an available one) but it reminded me how nice it is to spend time with someone who actually knows you at your best and worst.  No judgment or trying to impress.  I could just be myself and talk openly about anything.  It was refreshing, when you date you are on your best behavior, but to hang out with someone who has seen all sides of you, all the masks are gone.  This is someone who nothing will become of as they have found their person, but it made me realize that the openness feeling is what I should be striving to find in someone.  With every guy I've seriously-ish dated I was friends first, all but one.  I have managed to stay friends with all of them as they have moved on in their own lives.  Yet the one guy who I honestly thought was the one but who also broke my heart does not fit this.  I think because we were not friends prior to dating and being in a serious relationship from the very start has made it hard to have a friendship after the fact.  I mean we text once in a blue moon and catch up, but it is not the same as everyone else who I feel I still have a good connection with.  Which goes to show that being friends first before starting a romantic relationship makes a difference and builds a stronger foundation.

All that being said I don't go on dates any more.  I will occasionally get on Match just to check out who's viewed me, but that is it.  My subscription expires on the 31st and I think I'm going to let it end.  I'm just not interested in what I'm seeing and am getting to the point I don't care and am happy with being single.  I have new responsibilities at church where my time and energy will be focused and I don't need the distraction.  That being said I am not opposed to being set up or the idea that you really can meet a stranger in some situation where there is a connection and you get to know each other more.  Those two possibilities aside that about covers what kind of dating I will be having in the new year.  Yes I still feel the twinge of loneliness but it soon passes and I get busy with life.

For years I have felt like I am that old and unmarried person but everyone disagrees that I'm still young with lots more years of opportunity.  So I've been thinking that maybe they are true and so I'm giving myself a two year pass.  Until I turn 35 I'm not going to worry about being single then I will re-access where my life is.  I grew up in a culture that everyone got married young, usually their early 20s, but in the real world most people wait until their 30s to get married.  So really I'm right on track age-wise with the world.  Hopefully my time will come.  In the meantime I have been greatly enjoying the perks that being single brings.  Why I wasted my 20s whining and being sad about single when I should have enjoyed being able to do whatever I want, whenever and however I like.  I am responsible for only me and do what makes me happy.  Yes one day I can share my life and what comes with it, but for now I'm happy with my own little world.

I'll keep you posted if things change, but there might not be too many stories for awhile.  Definitely March will have some interesting information.  I still go out with Jeff, but we've made it clear we are only friends and that has really worked for me.  Maybe I'll add my new year's resolutions once I think about them.  Take some reflection over this last year as it has been a good one with much more maturing and all that comes with that.

Well that's different

I'll report that I still go occasionally on Match and talk with people but I have not been on a date in a while and I'm liking it that way.  In an earlier post I had said I don't date Mormons very often, mostly because I rarely meet them and have interest.  Funny enough I met two online on the same day and both living in Provo.  The one guy, the artist, we only emailed a few times on Facebook then he gave me the news he was going to start trying to date this one girl more serious.  I wished him luck and moved on.  I've realized lately with being older that I can take rejection so much better, I also can move on quickly when someone is not interested.  Why waste my time on someone who doesn't want to be with me in the right way of a relationship, moving on! 

The next guy is from the area I live in and come to find out once we became Facebook friends that he use to live in my ward, I used to teach his little sister at the elementary school and know some of his family members.  What a small world this is.  He is in Utah finishing up his accounting degree, he plays in a band and seems like a pretty good guy.  I figure if he comes here to visit for Christmas to see his family maybe we could meet.  Also I have taken to younger men.  Each of these guys are 29 and now I've found someone even younger at 23!  So I serve with a lady in the Primary who has two sons out on missions.  She talks about her sons a lot and it got brought up about the older of the two how much alike we are, even if there is a large age gap.  I've thought over this a few times and the last time we talked I brought up the fact that I would open to someone that young, who knows.  She seemed excited about it and told her son, who suggested that I write him.  It then took me a week to decide what I thought about that.  In my older age I realize I do everything deliberately and with purpose.  I would not start writing a much younger guy on a mission if I did not have any interest in really getting to know him.  He's a true redhead and that throws me off a bit as that's never been my thing, but outside of that he is very cute and the cutest of his other brothers.  He seems to have a fun personality so I decided I'd like to know him more.  His mom seems thrilled and sent me his email address and access to read his mission blog.  I'd like to say I read the entire thing, every single entry!  Figured it would be a good way to get to know him and what his life has been like the last 1.5 years.  What I read interested me more and I chose to write him an email.  I'm impatiently curious to have him read it and see what his response is.  I sent a picture of me so at least he knows who writing and I'm not half bad lol!  He'll be home in March and I've decided that even if there's not anything romantic between us he will be hanging around working for the summer and I would love someone to do things with.  This can work out either way but it will be fun to get to know someone new, but no risk of meeting or dating them for many months out.

Some thoughts I've had about these newer guys.  I am always interested in thinking maybe one day there really will be a Mormon guy out there and things will follow the more traditional path.  But then I get in my head and worry if they will be too churchy, uptight and all the other things that irritate me about super religious people.  I want someone to understand I have a past and have made mistakes and want no judgement towards me or even others for their choices.  I'm pretty openminded to what people choose to do with their lives and I want a companion who can be just as open and not as strict on rules, like how I was raised.  I've seen both sides and I want to find a happy medium.  But I will consider these interesting developments, ones I have not had in a long time and out of the usual realm of people I meet.

Last remarks on the former

Well I was not sure Si and I could even be friends. We text and things seemed fine but if we talked on the phone it was the same issues are before.  Him whining and wanting to talk about us, our relationship and how much he wants me.  In my mind especially because of the way he ended it I didn't think this would even be a problem.  I didn't end things, he did and yet I'm the one feeling bad.  This is a first relationship where I jumped all in, minus feelings, and the ending completely ended it for me where I don't have lingering hopes with him. Yet all he does is tell me how he missed me, wants to see me, be close to me.  I think it find it entertaining since he was the one who broke up with me and yet wants to be together even though he also knows it won't work out.  Anyway the last few conversations were almost more than I could deal with.  He came over about 2 weeks after we ended it and I did say we could try friends with some benefits but all he wants is to push it further than cuddling and kissing and I'm not for that at all.  The following weekend when he wanted to stop by I said no because he kept pushing the limits and seeing how we are not in a relationship and I don't want that, I'd rather just not hangout at my house and rather go do public activities where that will not be an issue.  As usual he was offended and his feelings were hurt.  I feel like I always have to chose my words carefully so as to not hurt his feelings.  But I have tried to not make any effort to contact other than responding to him and that seems ok.

We did hang out a few weeks ago when I was invited to go fishing with him, his mom and sister.  It was interesting but I caught my first big fish!  The day ran long and I had a first date with someone new.  He felt the need to rub in to his family that I was going on a date with someone else.  To which I finally lashed out that it was his choice to end things between us.  Anyway I was in a hurry and left without saying goodbye to his family and have never felt ruder in my life.  I had to really revive myself for the date that night as I was tired and feeling overwhelmed with things.  But the date went nice, first one I'd been on since meeting Si.  The guy was nice, good conversation but like all dates was a one time thing.  It's just meeting people and if there's no spark then there is rarely ever a second date.  That was a long and busy weekend that I then followed the next day and went on another date.  We met at the Portland Market and walked around, ate at a Columbian food cart and picked up VooDoo donuts.  He was also a really nice guy, had things to talk about but really had nothing in common.  Another one timer.

These were random dates and honestly I think I like the fun of talking to people online but really have no interest in dating.  My feelings and emotions are kind of broken, dead, locked away, something so it makes it impossible to have a truely real connection with someone.  In fact one night I tried to remember the last person I was with where I felt something and tried to re-feel what it was like to have feelings and I nearly threw up.  So the running joke now is when I meet the right guy, he'll say I love you, I'll finally feel again and throw up lol!  But hey at least I can tell him that means I love him back haha.  Oh dear!

I should say since that fishing trip with Si, things are finally settling down and we are becoming just friends.  He will occasionally hit me up on Facebook or text me and it is always friendly and non-threatening.  Think we have reached a good space where the relationship part really is over and I can just enjoy him as a good friend.  He was kind of the icing on the cake where I really see how much I am happy with my life and don't feel the need or rush to not be alone.  Lack of feelings removes the loniness feeling and I can enjoy all the freedom my life gives me.  Everyone has their trials and even though I'm unmarried, lately I have been enjoying all my independent moments and glad for each of them.  My life my one day change and I want to look back and not have any regrets that I did not enjoy the time I had to myself.  Life is good!

It's Over....But I learned something

After such a great weekend and missing Josiah all week I was looking forward to the coming week.  We had spoken on a phone a bit and had a somewhat struggled conversation on Thursday.  I've found that when he has had a few drinks he is not quite his normal self and then we start talking about our relationship and things don't go well.  He accuses and I get defensive and there is nothing productive that comes from it.  The conversation ended and I was upset that I don't want to talk when he is not completely himself.  So on Friday morning I called to talk about it, he agreed and I felt like things were better.  I had not planned on the weekend as he had been busy all week fishing, but he invited me to watch the Oregon State game over at a friend's house.  I met him there and was so excited to see him.  But he sat me down and told me he had concerns that I was always making jabs at him about being better or changing and didn't like him just the way he was.  He said my expectations were high and he could not live up to them.  He said a lot of things and a few hit a chord with me.  I got emotional, was told not to make a scene and that I should just go home.  I had driven all the way out there to watch the game and did not want to leave.  He was upset and proceeded to drink himself to oblivion, from there things went downhill.  We talked seriously two more times, but he was so drunk he could barely look at me straight and he was not kind in those conversations.  It got too uncomfortable overall at the party and I chose to go home, but not without have one more awful conversation with a very drunk and smoking Si.  I saw a side of him he had warned me about but I did not believed existed.  This was not the loving, kind, sweet, funny guy I had been dating, here was someone I did not recognize and had no desire to be with.  After a long drive home crying and talking with my best friend I realized this was the best solution and as tough as he had been he was speaking the truth.  We are too different to make this work.  I am not willing to budge on my standards, values and expectations and he is not willing to change from the lifestyle he grew up with and currently living.  And some parts of his lifestyle I will not put up or deal with.  That being said it was still hard and not how he should have gone about breaking up with me.  Only the day before I had publicly announced to the Facebook world how happy I was that I was with someone who understands and loves me for my real self, that he was a wonderful addition to my life and loved him.  A grand gesture from me and everyone was excited about it.  Sadly I removed it two days later, something to remember for the next time that unless its been a long time and I'm engaged I need to keep relationship information off of social media as it changes constantly and hate to get other people's hopes up.

Si contacted me 2 days later to apologize mulitple times for his behavior and how horrible he felt. But even with that he said it would not work as we have too many different ideas and standards and I wanted him to change into someone he is not. Plus after seeing his darker side I can let go of this and move on from it as that is not something I want part of my life or future. We have decided to try and be friends as we got along so well. For the current moment thats a little hard as it's still new but I hope that we will be able to go do activities together in the future and have fun as friends.

It took me a long time to jump in this relationship because I too had my concerns.  But it felt right and so I gave it a chance and I feel good about that.  Some things are not meant to be and as much as it is sad I came out learning some very important things about myself.  This is the first relationship I have had with a guy where I respected myself and didn't cave into things just because I knew that would make the other person happy.  I never lowered my standards or expectations and have found through this where I stand with church, something I have always had issues and confusion about.  My calling in the Primary has changed my life.  I do not want to harm what I have and am happy.  I have found the right balance where I am myself and have church apart of that.  I have chosen boys over everything and changed myself for them because I did not know myself and what I stood for, that is no longer the case.  I know what I value, what I won't budge on and what is most important to me and what I want in my future.

I always date non-Mormons because that's where I feel I fit and can be most myself.  Problem is that church always comes up and becomes an issue because I cannot change the way I was raised and certain things are always going to be important to me even when I am willing to compromise in other areas.  I was raised to expect and live certain ideas and as much as I have fought them for most of my life I have realized that they are me and will always come to surface at some point as being important.  So now I do not know who I should date.  Finding a single Mormon, who is normal, I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me and we connect is like asking for the impossible.  We usually do not relate and connect in the way I am looking for, but as much as I get along better with people who aren't Mormon, most will not be willing to accept my very strong upbringing and values that will affect our relationship and family in the future.  If only there was a rough around the edges Mormon that might work, someone a little more relaxed, open-minded, understanding but still has the same values as I do.  This might be a very tall order and maybe there is only one person out there who will fit it.  And it might but up to him to come find me.  I've decided to take a long break from dating.  I was mostly doing it to meet new people and have some social opportunities as opposed to finding a guy and yet that's what ended up happening.  For now I'm just going to enjoy the life I currently have and be happy with myself and all the new discoveries I have recently made about myself.

Hit the one month!

After a long week of emotional ups and downs regarding what I wanted from this relationship I felt my brain finally go back to normal.  During the week Si and I had another tough talk and this time it came with an ultimatum.  Either I am in and will act and behave like a girlfriend or I need to let him go.  Honestly I still didn't know what to do so I took it to a high power.  I made the choice to stay with Si and make the effort to see what the relationship could become, then prayed about it to see if that was the right choice.  I went to bed and next morning waited to see how I felt.  For the most part I just felt calm, something I have not been feeling lately.  I felt relaxed and at the gym with Aimee I got a few more realizations to put me in the right place.  Other people were moving on and so could I.  I took everything as a sign and my answer that I was making the right choice and was going to do my best to put my best foot forward and show what a great girlfriend I can be.  Without even asking the next day what my decision was he called and we talked about our days.  One thing I really love about Josiah is that we can just talk openly about anything and easily move from one topic to another and can always find something to laugh and relax with regardless of how serious the conversation is.  It is a blessings to be with someone where we really talk about everything and communication is very important to both of us.  I want to have someone I can be honest and open with and work on building a stronger relationship with.

I have decided I do not have to worry about the future I just need to enjoy the present and things will work out the way they are suppose to.  Si was happy about my choice to make more effort and that I'm in all the way.  Last weekend was a good one.  He came over and on Saturday we watched the Ducks game, I made him breakfast, we went shopping, had dinner and then visited his aunt's family and my best friends house.  Also went to the batting cages and hung out.  I was being myself and showing all the things I can offer.  Sometimes our conversations make our differences more obvious but we talk through them and always come out better because of it.  Another thing I really love is that we pray together, something I've never done with a guy before.  We take turns and his prayer over the weekend was the sweetest, most thoughtful one I have ever heard.  I really do have a guy, that's mine, who really cares about me and let's me know how special I am to him constantly.

We hit a month since our first date on Monday and as I look at things this is definitely a different relationship than I have ever had with a guy.  We started out really fast and I put the brakes on things and he has been willing to wait which makes me respect him more.  Perhaps for him it was all rainbows and songs but for me it has been different in how I feel things.  Yes there are some broken pieces but now that I have thrown myself all in I think the feelings and emotions will eventually come.  I am not so blow away that I can't be myself and really see things how they are, rather the complete opposite.  Being pulled back has let me be my real self good and bad and we have worked on building our friendship while working on our relationship.  Maybe not fireworks yet, but this lets the true love grow over time so that I can learn how to love and be with someone for all of their parts and for them to know all of mine.  Si is a good man who has forgotten who he really is at times in his life, as I have done the same thing.  He is about to start a new job that he has built up and wait patiently for for a long time and I think this will be the beginning of his adult life.  In the past he has just been getting by on the minimum and enjoying being single and doing his own thing.  I think when he gets truely settled everything will change.  I'm happy to be able to be apart of his life from here on out and grow together.  Only time will tell how what things will become but after a really strong week I am happy with where everything is going.  I was very resistant to letting go and giving this a real try and I am happy that Si waited for me to get to that point and I look forward to seeing what the future holds for us.  I know one day the love will come into full bloom for me and I will be glad that I took the long way to really build the kind of relationship I have be waiting for.  Many more opportunities and adventures on the horizon!

Long Weekends

Si came down on Friday and I was prepping for a baby shower I was hosting.  He was patient and just entertained himself with TV and his cellphone while I spent several hours baking and cleaning.  We then hung out and took some really goofy pictures of ourselves.  The next day he went fishing and I did my shower, which was a success.  He came over that afternoon and we went to dinner and movie.  That was the most normal, typical kind of date that we have been on and I must say one of my favorite.  Just being out with my boyfriend at the movies was a treat.  And apparently a movie with some violence seemed to bring out my emotions, go figure.  But as I was sitting here I became to feel the feelings I know are there, that I love Si and our time together.  I was proud to have him as mine and looked forward to many more fun times like this.  I was excited for my parents to meet him and get to know him.  Sunday I went to church and he went with his parents to church.  He came over to my house and said he had a headache, he proceeded to take a two hour nap which I cleaned and did laundry.  Poor guy I had to wake him to head to my parents.  We went for dinner and stayed to chat.  Si talked a lot and told many stories, some I wasn't sure my parents would want to hear.  Afterward he didn't think my mom liked him and figured longevity would be what would win her over.  When I asked them they said he was nice and that was all I got.  My parents have some concerns but think they just need to get to know him better.  They like things that are within a certain degree of their box of ideas and expectations.  Si and I are very different in many aspects and so I think some of that came out, also he is in a lot of transitions in his life right now.  I will say that after having a serious conversation with my mother it threw me off a bit.  Couple that with crazy brain PMS and it was a rough week.  I could not decide what I felt or wanted and I was very open with Si about my concerns.  At least I know he is patient as he put up with my up and downs of my brain and some emotional freak outs.  All that and he still thinks I'm amazing.

I went down on Saturday of last week for the Labor Day weekend.  We went to a Duck's game party with some of his friends and then went to a bar so watch the the Oregon State game.  We came back to his house and watched a movie and had some really tough conversations.  I cried a lot, I could not tell if its fear or what that has been pulling away and fighting this relationship.  We kind of got things ok but I was still struggling.  The following day we went out fishing on the lake and enjoyed casting and the scenery.  We then went to one of his favorite beaches Lake Meares.  We headed back to pick up hot dogs and smore supplies.  Ran into friends of Si's and got invited to their house to have tuna loins wrapped in bacon.  Really great people, good food and lots of laughs.  Afterwards we set up a campfire in his backyard by the river and roasted smores.  Then after a good day he expressed some concerns that I'm trying to breakup or not that into the relationship or can't get over my concerns.  We proceeded to have another tough talk and then came back in to watch a movie.  The next morning we hung out watching movies then I headed back home.  The weekend had highs and lows and I'm trying to figure things out.  My brain is all over the place and I just hope I can get it all clear in my mind.

Next date

I went down yesterday to Tillamook to hang out with Si.  He made me dinner and even let me watch my favorite dancing show.  He appreciates the support I give him emotionally while he is dealing with some family drama.  I've realized that he is passionate about his family and can get very upset and defensive related to them.  It's funny sometimes when he looks at me I can tell he is overwhelmed with us and how he feels.  This brings me to the concern that I still can't feel anything and it frustrates me.  I know I was broken but I keep hoping this will be how I heal. I know I love him and our relationship but I don't feel that love yet.  I can't decide if I'm still working on being whole or its never coming, the later worries me.  I am with a man for the first time that thinks I am the world and will do anything for me.  Before I left last night it was a full moon and we stood outside and he sang the 'moon song' to me, followed by another sweet song.  I am a lucky girl, I just wish my brain and emotions could get on the same page.  I do not want my lack of feeling to mess this up.  I still have concerns about certain areas but this goes back to no one being perfect.  This man loves and adores me and that is a first in my lifetime.  The fact that the emotional is not there has had its perks as I am very open and clear to reality, no rose colored glasses where I overlook important factors, but the emotional is crucial.  There will be a lot of transition in Si's life in the next few months and I think this will give us ample time to test our relationship, longevity and learn.  I seem to assess things too soon in the beginning without letting them have plenty of time to grow and mature.  I want to pass 3 months and move into forever and only time will tell.  If there was ever a chance, this man is it!  I hope that I can always appreciate what I presently have to show him how much he means to me.  I have the tendency to pull away and be closed off when I need to be the complete opposite and jump in completely.  Hopefully I can try to be my best and find the whole love in our relationship.

My Boyfriend

After that first date with Si things continue to go well.  We texted and talked on the phone multiple times a day.  We were going to hang out on Tuesday but my parents scheduled opened up to get together to have our weekly ritual of dinner and dancing (our TV show)  As my mother was heading out of town I didn't want to miss the opportunity.  Si gave me a rain-check as we had planned the entire weekend together.  While at my parents he called and wanted to be put on speaker phone to meet the parents.  They liked him and this was prior to me having any discussion about him and how our date the week before had gone.  Fast forward to Friday he came my way, got the house tour and we went out to sushi for dinner, followed by a movie.  It was a great date and I had been looking forward to spending time in person.  It's hard to know what things really are when its not in person.  We have amazing conversations but nothing beats connecting face to face.  Awesome evening and we past a first for me as he told me he loved me and I responded the same.  The next day was followed by getting up at 4am and heading out to Scappoose to where his parents live.  Went with his mom and dad out on the boat fishing.  Got to enjoy the sunrise and reel my first fish.  We then went back to his parents to hang out, eat and got to meet 2 of his 3 sisters.  He didn't tell me until after we left that spending the day with his family he felt would be the deal breaker.  He wasn't sure what I would think and was holding out until then.  Lucky for him I was more in love with him after spending time with his family.  It opened up a door to see who he really is.  People can rarely hide themselves in front of their own family.  Such good qualities and its obvious they love each other and have fun together.  I got the approval from both parents and now I look forward to him meeting my family.  We then came back, he helped me do cut-outs for my lesson and enjoyed hanging out.

Things I love about Josiah:  He makes me laugh!  We can be having a serious conversation where the topic is tense or heavy and we manage to always lighten the mood.  He gets me, somehow even before we met in person he understood me and some of my quirks.  He knows I can overthink and puts up with it and reminds me to relax.  He sings to me, sometimes in public just to embarrass me.  He thinks I'm the most beautiful, sexy, pretty, wonderful person.  He thinks I'm amazing and has me on this pedestal where he wants to be a better person to be at my level.  We talk about spiritual things, life stuff, we've prayed together, we act and talk like good friends and yet are more than just that.  We come from opposite sides but he put it best that even though we are so different we are completely the same mentally on how we think and there is a lot to be said for that.  We don't talk our religious views but we think the same on the main spiritual points that are most important.  I should say he is in no way perfect, he's done things, been a little wild and still rough around the edges but he wants to try to be his best for me and I hope that I can lift him higher.  Our imperfects our perfect together, we make a good team. He's in transition for now and is happy I'm willing to be patient and stick around. I think with time we will figure out the future of our lives together.

I've had a lot of time to think about things, the pros and cons, and I think I could see myself spending my life with him.  He's a big kid and a lot like my brother which is a good thing.  He doesn't take things too seriously and is way more relaxed than myself.  I love that he verbally says so many kind things to me, I always feel special in his eyes.

A Possibility?

Well first I should state that I ended up going out with Kyle.  I was shocked he followed through but I went over to his house, got the updated tour and then we saw a movie.  I was not sure how this would go and was incredibly nervous.  But it seemed like how it always is, he didn't even pay for my movie so this could not even be considered a date, so we will call it friends hanging out.  Which I should say made everything easier as there is nothing to discuss or hash over.  Two friends caught up and saw a funny movie and nothing else.  I knew I was meeting someone new Saturday and wasn't sure I wanted to throw Kyle in the mix, but it was the closure needed to know that there is not a second act for us and I can walk away completely.

On to Saturday's date.  First I should start by saying Josiah and I have been talking for weeks via email, text and phone calls.  It's a little hard when you know someone so well prior to meeting them for the first time because it sets up expectations.  I knew exactly where he was coming from but I was unsure. Until I meet someone I cannot make to full assessment of what I think.  I started stressing before heading down to meet him hoping that I would like him because I knew he liked me.  Thank goodness the attraction was there.  We drove a ways and hiked down to the river to fish.  Didn't catch anything but it was more the experience and getting to spend time together.  As luck would have it there was wind, thunder and rain.  The weather could not have been more perfect.  I'm happy to say I was well kissed in the rain!  We headed back and he cooked me a great Chinook dinner.  We talked, stared at each other and got to know each other better.  It was a really great date. 

I'll admit having a guy crazy about me has me freaked out.  I was all in my new world of open-minded and being relaxed and for some reason I lost all of that.  For two people who have only had one date I know more about him that most people.  He was very open about himself and his past and the judgemental part of me is up in arms as to why this won't work.  How dare I be so severe!  I have met a guy crazy over me and willing to do anything to secure my happiness and love and I'm worrying about past things.  Now is the fun parts where you just spend time together learning to connect and getting to know each other.  I should not think or worry about anything.  He has been insanely patient waiting for me to realize I can let myself feel and to stop being ridiculous about silly things.  He does not fit my 'perfect' mold of a person and I'm fighting past decisions he has made.  But who is to say that he is not looking for something different in his life and I could be that person to make him want to be better.  I can't change anyone, you can only change yourself, but perhaps with the right direction it could be amazing.  Anyone has the potential to be better and improve the person they are.  Why I am holding back due to fear of his past or fear of feeling again is crazy, now is the time to discover and test the waters and see what could happen.  He won't backdown and so I need to find that box locked deep within and figure out how to allow my feelings and emotions to release themselves and retrain how to connect with a man again.

He and I are from two very different worlds in ways we grew up and interests and yet we seem to have found commonalities in the middle of all that.  I'm holding back and stressing out and need to let go of my control and just let things happen.  This will be a relationship and only time will prove what the outcome will be.  I said I wanted a summer fling and its here in front of me, although he wants a lifetime, we will see if that is where this continues to.  He pointed out that he is just waiting for me to dive in and that he could not be more obvious of what is right in front of me.  A potential relationship has fallen in my lap and it is up to me to grab it, mend my heart and step into the next adventure.

Really?

Quick update, James and I went out to a movie and have plans this week for dinner.  He's really nice and easy to talk to but I think we are good as just friends, hopefully that will be ok with him.  I am proud to say that I finally had the talk with Jeff to make sure he is clear that I enjoy hanging out but only as friends.  He was ok with that and we have hung out several times since.

A random distraction has occurred.  I have mentally been in a great place and ok with the life I have, even that it's single.  I got a surprise text from Kyle that included asking me out and that 'I'm not gonna lie, I've missed ya."  Just a bit surprising.  I haven't seen him in over 6 months and now he wants to hangs out and misses me, I'm not sure what to do.  First we'll see if he follows through and we actually get to hang out and I'm curious to see what it's like being in person again.  The only problem is that this has thrown me completely out of my perfectly happy place.  I've been remembering all of our time together good and bad.  I want to go in as a clean state and start back at the beginning, but the longer I wait the more I remember how destroyed I was and have never fully recovered.  Other than new Kyle I have been unable to have any feelings towards guys and even he proved to be hurtful.  I don't know if I can try again with Kyle even though he is the one person I truely loved and wanted to share the rest of my life with.  He broke me and not sure even if he could fix that.  Honestly I have been more concern as to what his motives are.  Is he just lonely and wants someone to hang out with, hook up with or fill in the lonely parts of his life.  Or does he truely miss me and what we had and willing to try again.  The ball is in his court and he will have to make the move and effort if he wants me back.  But I cannot play games, not going to have a Brett situation again.  I can't be just friends with Kyle, too much history.  Either we try dating again or nothing.  This has wrecked my brain and I'm trying so hard to let it go and get back to the right mind.  I do need to vent.  How dare he!  I know he is unaware of the mess he left me in and but how dare he destroy the happy place I was in.  I'm still struggling to find my way back to it, but now the hope and possibility that we could have another go has opened up a pathway for that thought.  Until it plays itself out I can't ignore the idea or the feelings that are coming up.  Funny enough I feel angry most of all.  Even looking at pictures he posts makes me feel all the hurt and even anxiety I felt a year ago.  Apparently even after a year I am extremely affected by Kyle even though I thought I was over him.  Sadly I would give anything for another chance, which I think makes me mad I can't just brush it off and say he has no chance so I don't care.  I do care but I can't get hurt again by him.  I want to go in clean slate but there are a lot of emotions bottled up over this and I don't think I can forget all of that.  I wonder if boys know that by one text message they can cause chaos that was not there before.  Hanging out would have been one thing, but that I'm missed is another and I can't let it go.

I've tried to go back to the things I was working on, like Chad.  The opportunity has not come but I'm hoping soon and he is who I choose and want to get to spent time with and get to know better.  I see him weekly and hope that there is an opportunity there to see what happens.

Also I still email several people on Match and am meeting someone new this coming weekend.  Josiah seems really nice, we text, talk on the phone and are going to spend the entire day together at the Tillamook Fair.  I will be helping him take picture while we are there for his job and I think that a active and public date will be fun.  He seems fun so it will be a good time, as for anything past that I'm not sure we are in the same places in life.  But it will be a fun date and that's what counts.

In regards to that comment I have to say I'm looking for a relationship/marriage and I would like to meet someone I could connect with on all dimensions and levels and is looking for the same thing.  So far that has yet to happen (aside from Kyle) which is probably why I'm willing to keep hope in that because he is the only real mutual relationship I have ever been in but it ended so that says something too.  I'm happy with my life but I would so love to have someone to share with in the journey.  I meet nice guys all the time, they just aren't the right one yet.  The next week or so should prove to be interesting as lots of things are happening and could go many directions.  Guess nothing can stay the same and there will always be something to change everything all over again.

Asking him out

Quick updates first: Brett has completely fallen off the earth and doesn't text me anymore.  His loss!  I know Dustin is on vacation in Alaska but both times I texted before his trip I have not heard back.  I'm hoping he is just busy and now away fishing and I'll hold out for him as we are getting closer to the date and he gets the benefit of the doubt.  If we pass July with no date, then I'll let it go.  Jeff and I went to a concert and I've decided as long he is not making any actual indications he wants our hanging out to be more than just a friendship, then I'm not going to say anything about it.  I also went on a date with someone new.  Had a dinner date with James and it was really fun.  We talked for hours and had a nice time.  He even brought me an orchid plant as a house warming gift, very thoughtful.  Conversation was great, not sure how I feel about him, but he would make a great friend to do things with.  I think there will be potential of hanging out again sometime.

While on that date I realized that I make a great date.  Regardless of how I feel about the person every date I go on is fun with lots of conversation and laughs.  Sometimes that is the only time I go out with that person but I hope I always leave a good impression.  I know for some people meeting online dates is scary and they don't know what it will be like.  I'm no longer nervous to go on dates so I am relaxed and completely myself which helps me and the person I'm with.  I hope that everyone I ever go out with has a great time and leave with a positive outlook on meeting new people either as blind dates, setups or from online.  I'm hoping that one of these days these fun dates will be with someone I truely connect with on all levels and turns into something special.

So there is this guy at the gym, Chad, who over the last almost 2 years have been talking and flirting with.  I noticed him long before we ever spoke to each other.  My best friend Aimee helps with conversations and we've found out lots of things about him.  Most importantly that he is single!  So over all this time we talk to him almost every time we are at the gym, 4 days a week.  Sometimes I really get the vibe that he is interested but he doesn't make the move and neither have I.  I've dragged my feet long enough.  Now is the time to act.  Figure I'll ask him if he's interested in hanging out sometime in a non-gym setting and we'll see what happens.  I would really like to get to know him on a one-on-one basis.  I've been attracted to him since the first time I saw him long before we ever talked.  I'd like to now know him on the next level that's more personal.  I've had many opportunities and have manged to not act every time.  The next opening I get, I'm taking it and we'll see what he says.

Waiting

It's two and a half weeks until my date with Dustin.  I'm both excited, nervous and trying not to overthink it.  We've texted and he just says fun things and great at flirting.  He's going to Alaska and playfully said 'come with;)' and that we can go together the next time.  Of course we can discuss after our post 7/30, all of which sounds good to me.  I like that his comments make me feel special and that he definitely seems to be a take charge kind of guy.  But as excited as I am the voice of uncertainty gives me a moments pause.  I've had people play games many times and they can start out like this and then quickly die off into nothing.  I hope that when we meet there are sparks and interest on both sides.  I begin to doubt that things will work out for whatever reason and realize I hold myself back and create the problem.  I need to learn to rethink meeting people and go with an open mind that maybe the next one could be it (rather than all the reasons it might not work) before I meet them.  I worry too much and I'm trying to find a way to let go and see every person as potential and stay out of my head.  If I can't change my thinking the result will continue to be the same because I'm putting out a negative vibe to the universe.  I need to remind myself that I would never say yes to someone I'm not 100% into, so there is no reason to fear being 100% out there for the person to get to know me.  Fingers crossed that this date goes well!

I've decided to give up on Brett and let that go.  He barely texts anymore and getting him to go see a movie has been way too difficult.  This proves my point that I don't want to waste my time on guys who will make no effort to date me.  I want the person I end up with to be someone who moved heaven and earth to make the time for me and made me a priority as that is what I deserve.  I am a bit disappointed as I would have liked for us to have given dating a chance, but he has yet to step up so I'll let it go.

I'm in a good place mentally.  I'm excited about the upcoming date but staying very reserved and I'm ok with my life currently.  I'm back to working on house projects and have enjoyed my time at home.  Hopefully I can branch out even more and get outside and enjoy the summer as well.  But I'm ok with guys not being in my life for now and I am happy.

And they keep coming

Fact:  The more you log on to Match.com the more people who wink, email and want to get to know you.  A guy emailed me about a week ago and we had some nice emails back and forth, then he sent me his phone number and we switched to texting.  I'm going to say this guy is really good looking, almost to the point I'm not sure I'm in his league, but I've got a ton of photos posted so he knows what I look like.  He doesn't live in the state and is divorced with an adopted daughter which are normally not my scene but I'm willing to make an exception.  He sent the best text messages and pleaded for me to go out on a date with him.  He travels to Oregon frequently so the possibility of more than one date is there.  I have to wait about a month before his next visit here, but I'm excited to see what happens.  Here is a guy who is taking action and making the effort. He was going to research a place for dinner and joked he was willing blow off a meeting with a CEO in order to go on a date with me.  I just want to feel special and important and so far Dustin seems to be willing to do that.  We don't text much as he is also a busy guy who travels a lot, but until we meet and see what happens I like the slow approach and getting to know him once we meet.

I went on a date this last weekend with a guy named Jason.  Went to a very nice resteraunt for a first date.  We were there 4 hours and had a lot talk about.  While we were chatting I realized that I need to be more open minded about the people I date.  It went well but I did not get the impression there was be another date.  I mentioned that we should hang out again, but didn't get much of a response.

An update on Brett, I wore my big girls pants and asked whether or not he was still in a relationship and no he is not.  I also told him that I liked him, we have always had good chemistry over the years and now I can enjoy the fact that I like him.  He agreed about the chemistry and seem to take my comments well.  My one thing is that everytime I ask if he wants to hang out all I get are maybes and possibly, not quite the response I want.  Also he seems to have gone off the radar, texting has slowed down and now can go days where I don't hear from him.  I'm not sure if my comments have freaked him out, or if he's busy, or if all this is nothing more than a game.  I don't want to spent time with him half way.  Either we are friends only, no benefits or I think we should give dating a shot.  For now I'm just going to ignore and leave things be.  I will repeat again that as hard as it is to be patient I truely want to be with a guy who wants to be with me and will make the effort.

Feast or famine; boys falling from the sky who want to spend time together or nobody.  As of today we are at the nobody stage again.  I'm trying my best to get back to that place of not caring, leaving things be and just going on in my life without a thought related to the man world.  Problem is everytime I get to that awesome place of moving on some guy falls in my lap and we begin this twisted dating/relationship game again.  My life is better when the ups and downs of dating are non-existant and I'd like to stay that way, but that always seem to attract a new guy, go figure.  The statement 'it happens when you are not looking' is very true.  My only issue with it is that when I'm not looking it happens but does not continue to the next step.  Instead I end up hurt and broken again and would be much better off if it had never happen.  I'm tired of the failures in dating.  I want a relationship that will last and turn into a marriage and a family.  I'm not asking the impossible, other people have it, it would be nice to be my turn soon.

For now things have quieted down and I'm working back to emotional ambivalence and refocusing on myself and being happy in the life I have.  We will see what comes next.....

Interesting Developments

Let me start with the not so good news. During some random browsing on Facebook I was checking out Kyle's profile (we are not friends but I can see much of his profile) There was nothing new to look at except recently added friends.  Normally I would not even notice but the picture of a new friend happen to be of a girl and him.  Being the investigator I am I clicked and there was Kyle and some girl dressed up for some event photo op as her profile pic.  A sickening feeling followed.  The picture was posted Wednesday and they became FB friends Friday.  I had only talked with him on Tuesday and honestly thought we were good, he was busy with work and I'd wait to give him time to settle with the new job.  I figured if he had started to date someone he's just say so, end of story.  Not trying to blow things out of proportion I reasonably figured they could just be good friends at an event.  My girl brain thought otherwise and was fueled by the comments under the photo including cute couple, details, you look so happy and her remark, things are going really good:).  This alone gives me pause that he is most likely dating this girl.  I went through feeling sick, devastated, angry and hurt.  With all of our open conversations I assumed if he met someone he'd just be honest and tell me, which we had discussed before.  Also with him being consumed with work I don't know where he found the time.  I'm more hurt over the fact he was the first guy I had liked and felt feelings for in almost a year, a big step for me.  He was sweet, romantic and open and I thought there was potential there until his career starting taking off and things got crazy busy for him.  I've gone back and forth on what I should do.  He should have the benefit of the doubt since I really shouldn't have information with that photo and be speculating.  I don't feel motivated yet but I do want to call him and either talk to him directly or leave a voicemail just catching up but also really putting it out there that I still like him and hope that when his life calms down we could pick up where we left off and see where things go.  But if for one reason or another he is no longer interested, has met someone else or doesn't think he will be trying to date for a long time then that is as far as we go and it was great while it lasted.  I don't want to accuse or be mad, just be honest about how I feel and leave it in his court.  I've tried to let it go and not hold on to things.  It's hard because I actually felt for him and that part has been broken for a long time, but no sense in wallowing in the loss.

Well enough of the sad stuff and on to better and definitely more interesting news that has helped with the above news.  I had said there was potential of Brett and I getting together on Friday but I wasn't sure it would really happen.....but it did.  He came over to watch a show which I didn't realize until after he came over I didn't have on Hulu Plus, we joked it was me trying to get him over under false pretense!  I was curious what it would be like to hang out.  Other than when he came to see my house, it had been years since we have seen each other and I wasn't sure what it would be like.  Apparently he is still just as easy to talk to in person and I'm completely myself around him.  It was later in the evening and I didn't want to change into jeans, so there I was in my crazy plaid orange OSU flannel pajama bottoms.  The top half of me was still put together from how I looked at work.  Thankfully he showed up in sweats so I felt more at ease.  We found another show to watch instead and watched one episode, then talked through the next two.  He said he could only stay an hour which turned into several hours.  We talked about all sorts of things and then I saw the look and realized this might led to something more than just friends hanging out.  I avoided for as long as I could, only because I wasn't sure if he's still in a relationship with someone.  Whether or not that is true things headed to a fun place and we made out for a really long time.  It's been years but apparently we've still got it.  The only thing I struggle with is not feeling anything.  But he is different in that we have done this dance before with no seriousness so I know not to let my feelings get involved without some sort of commitment.  Needless to say it was very nice and fun.  This happened before the Kyle thing and I was feeling bad about kissing someone else.  I feel no guilt now as he apparently is seeing someone.  My only concern now is where Brett is at with the girl he was/is seeing and what he is looking for in the future.  I'm not looking for just a fun hookup I want to be in a committed relationship thats headed for the whole married and kids direction.  Enough of playing around, I want the real deal. After a fun evening the next day we picked up with texting like all was well and it had not changed the great friendship we have.  The next time we see each other I'm going to have to be open and ask him about things so that I know exactly where I stand.  And maybe if things go well I can figure out a way to let my emotions come out and see where things could go.

Here is a guy who in the last few months texts almost everyday, usually starts the conversations and makes the effort I'm so wanting a guy to make.  That being said I only want it if he is available and interested to giving us a chance.  I will not be a substitute, I want only the best!  I can tell I'm protecting myself by trying to find reasons not to like him and why it won't work, but these are nonsense games that only will hurt me for not being open to finding love.  Here is a guy who really knows the real me, has spent time with me randomly over 7 years and seen me in different phases of my life.  If the person I want to be with is someone who likes me the way I am and I can be great friends with.....Brett's winning points in this area.  That being said I still don't know where he is coming from and what he is wanting.  That will be the next conversation, hopefully within the week and then I will have a clearer picture of how I should feel about him.  Yes there was some hurt over the weekend, but maybe I needed a reason to let Kyle go in order to be open to Brett in the future.  Interesting developments for sure!

Nothing is dead until it is, but even then it's rarely all the way dead.

Long title today but one that has manifested itself many times over.  Somehow I can date people and for whatever reason it doesn't work out and yet months, years later those people come back again.  This is true for every guy I had a more personal relationship with, they never seem to die even after they have moved on to other people.  I'll talk about this issue later.  In the past two weeks I've had people coming out of the woodwork.  A guy I went out with twice and the second date to a movie was awkward and I assumed the last I would ever hear from him.  Nope, he found me again on Match and wanted to see how I was and if I wanted to hang out sometime.  Some other guy found me on Match and apparently we had talked years before on a church dating site but had never met.  He was in town and wanted to be shown around.  I should mention I gave him lots of opportunity to meet me and he didn't seem that serious about it.  Fine for me as he doesn't live in state so no need for complications. 

Some oldies are my friend Ryan who is married, struggling there and apparently still likes me from when we met 7 years ago.  We never had to chance to date when he was single as I was interested in someone else and he move on and started a family.  I've decided the best approach to this one is to ignore.  I refuse to become part of the catalyst for a marriage that is struggling to survive.  Now if he was single again maybe I would be open to dating and see where things go from there.  Not only does he live out of state, haven't seen in 7 years and has a kid.....it's a lot of maybe and unknowns there.

Next would be Brett where every so many years we cross paths.  We met through work and dated but again I was more interested in someone else so I would not commit.  I've regretted this decision and always wondered if I had specifically dated Brett how my life would have gone and if we would have worked out.  I was the reason nothing became of it.  Years later we ran into each other in the grocery store parking lot.  I had heard he had gotten married and a few months before had decided to stop holding on to still having feelings for him.  Then I run into him, find out he didn't get married and so we start texting and hung out a few times.  Still had something there and had some good times together.  But it never amounted to anything and we again went our separate ways and he started dating someone else.  We would occasionally text just to say hi and catch up and went to dinner once but that was it.  Then another almost 2 years I posted something on Facebook about a movie I'd just seen, which led to him posting then texting me.  We haven't stopped texting since, its nice being able to tell my day to, with someone who knows me well.  The issue here is that he is not available as he is still dating the same girl, so I cannot allow myself to like him as anything more than a friend.  He came over to check out my house and it seemed so easy to talk to him and I remembered why I liked him all that time ago.  Since then we have talked about hanging out again, but so far it has only been talk.  I am trying to play low-key since he really is not available and I don't want to be the 'other' woman.  I want to be #1 and the only woman in a guy's life, but I still find myself as the 'substitute' (see a few posts ago)  I have no idea what he is thinking and where his relationship is at, part of me doesn't want to rock anything but anything more serious comes about it will have to be discussed.  There is a part of me that wishes he could be single and maybe third times the charm.  With the way life changes constantly I can't rule it out!

On the next topic of Kyle I have come to good place with that.  After a few times of phone tag and a great voicemail where he caught me up on what's been going on in his life and apologized several times for being so distant.  That alone made me feel important and that he is in no way trying to push me away, his life is just so consumed with his job and making choices there is not time for anything else. A few days ago he called between meetings just to return my call and say hi.  He confessed everyone was being ignored and that things had been crazy.  He will be taking the job in the Bay but working on staying here and just traveling there 3 days out of the week.  I worry with the pace he is keeping he might be headed to burnout.  He admitted he didn't have time to date and I agreed with him.  Now is not the time for us or anyone else.  When things become official with his job and he gets back into a routine with decisions made I'd like to readdress whether he still likes me enough to continue to make some effort in the future when things slow down.  I'm willing to wait and be patient as I feel there is something special with him.  I'm not making big effort to date but if it comes my way I'm up for meeting people.  Related to the title who knows if I just let things be, but continue to be friends if months later the opportunity and timing could be right.  People have reappeared and I think that could play out with Kyle when dating becomes important to him again.  I would like to establish a good friendship with him in the meantime and hope that we can find time to see each other in person on occasion.

My head is in a really good space where I am worry and stress free from dating, boys and relationships, a first for me.  I can only control so much and I'm happier to just let things be and not force or make a big deal.  Life is good and I feel at peace with my choices.  There are many opportunities still to meet new people and there are oldies that seem to be returning as well.  I'd like to use this time and the summer to have a good time and expand my horizons.  Whether I have people to adventure with or not I'm going to branch into new hobbies and hopefully meet people and have fun on the way.

Letting go.....

After much thought and reflection I've come to the same place of realization that dating and boys causes complete havoc in my life.  I have a quiet, simple, relaxed life where for the most part I'm pretty happy.  I will be good for a long time but as soon as I try to add dating or like a boy all normalcy and sanity goes out the window and I turn into a crazy person.  The emotional rollercoaster that follows is enough to make anyone lose their mind.  I know this and yet time and again I put myself back out there with the hope of finding the right guy.  The sad part is by having that hope and trying again everything gets turned upside down and I am far worse off after things end and come crashing down.  Of course I have learned from all my dating experiences and have grown from them, but really I could have lived without some them.

So what does all this mean?  It will be nearly impossible for me to ever meet a guy if I don't make the effort since single guys are not really showing up in my daily life (unless someone is hiding at the gym) so without online dating I don't know how people meet.  That being said I am at that point again where I think it will be in my best interest to step away from dating and get a better perspective of my life.  I need to close off that emotionally distressing part and be able to focus on the truely wonderful life I have.  Yes I want more than anything to have someone to share this life with, but so far it hasn't happened and I'm tired of always letting it get me down and destroy the rest of the good parts.  I'm not sure if I should give myself a time limit of how long I'm going to work on myself before I readdress opening the dating channel again.  I should throw out there that everytime I make the decision to quit dating I meet someone and I get excited all over again until it ends and I'm worse off than I was before.  I'd like to say I'm completely not open while off dating, but if something or someone comes along I'm not going to just dismiss it either.  I want nothing more than to enjoy summer and I would really like people to do things with.  Dating was an outlet to meet those people but then there is always one side that is less interested than the other.  So I've made the decision that I will plan activities to do on my own, invite someone to join and if they can't then I carry on and do it anyway.  I think if I plan things right there are people who would join me, I just prefer when other people invite not the other way around.  It's no longer time to hold back or miss out on things because I might have to do them alone.  I need to get my mind in the right place, where being alone or single is not a topic for discussion or for whining about and I can focus on new hobbies and projects.

There is still some unfinished business with Kyle which I plan on giving a big push in the next week.  Then I met a new guy online who I will probably be meeting in the near future.  Aside from that I can step out of any dating nonsense and refocus on my next steps in my life.  I don't want to wait around making all the effort to have a guy, it should be the other way around.  I need to stop holding on to guys not willing to make the effort to have me apart of their life.  I want someone who wants me and wants to make the effort, it's as simple as that!

And so for now I'm going to let go and redirect my energies to other positive interests and try to live the fulfilled life!

Up and Down

Again patience is not my strong suit, but all things considered this is the best I've ever been, so progress has been made.  I struggle with the fact that Kyle does not make any effort to call, text and make contact.  I play it cool by making contact once a week or so to keep things casual, but I'm growing tired of it.  I like him too much for my own good.  He's not ready for a relationship and too busy and as I know that, I can't fault him for lack of effort.  But when I think of our time togther things are beyond amazing.  I cannot fathom a guy being that sweet and romantic if he wasn't feeling it with me.  I think its more just being busy and a guy that makes things the way they are but its time I find better ways to deal with it.  I've shut off my feelings the best I can and have decided unless I'm actually with Kyle I will take the no feeling, don't care approach.  If we are together I will open up.  Also I have to remember that sometimes timing isn't right until it is and that might not be right now.  Time changes everything and now might not be our time.  What's meant to be will be.

I recently watched one of my movies I very much like called Elizabethtown, which looks into people's lives with work failures and death of a parent and the new beginnings and love along the way.  They make reference to a certain kind of person called 'substitutes,' placeholders until they find the right one.  Sometimes I feel like I am the substitute for people when dating, just filling in the time until they meet the right one.  But just like the movie I too deserve more and that guy will be luckiest.  In the meantime I would like to find a way to become happier and live more.  I need to find enthusiasm for life and fill my time wisely.  As summer approaches I would like to find more ways to enjoy nature, spend time with people who uplift my spirits and expand my horizons.  I need to be able to give back and be interesting for the people I meet.

I have to admit that I still have really down days where I despair that I will be alone forever and sometime I feel consumed by it.  So I turn of all my feelings in order to pull myself back out.  Then carefully begin to let in positive feelings and deal again.  Things seem to be back on the upside.

I also logged onto Match and pretty much by having an active profile people are constantly emailing me, which can be fun.  Don't exactly want to have to go on dates but talking to people online is fun.  There was one particular that has stuck out.  I refuse to make the effort to get asked out, if a uy is interested he can make the move and go from there.  So far we are just in the getting to know you phase.  Brett still texts and is going to help me with some house projects and I think he just needs someone to text and potentially hang out with, even though he is not available for dating.  I have to stay clear of caring or having any feeling toward him because it's not an option.  Last I've texted and call Kyle and all I get are just brief answers or silence.  He's out of town on business again and honestly his life is his job and I can't fault that I just think we might never go anywhere and I need to let go even more and if things change over time I'll deal with it when it happens.

Kind of at an impass with Kyle and other things are constantly happening that I might have to leave things alone and hope that at some point he makes the effort, otherwise he does not deserve me.  It's hard let go of the thing I want and sometimes I feel I never get what I want.  Maybe I just haven't wanted the right things yet.....

Date #5

I got what I wanted, my next date with Kyle!  We met up later Friday night.  The night was warm so we walked to dinner in St. John even held hands both there and back.  We caught up on things and all the opportunities he is being offered at work.  He is swaying towards staying here so I hope that will be the final outcome, otherwise he will be gone within a few months and will devote his life to work for the next few years.  But I think home and family will keep him grounded.  We walked back home and then watched a movie, he even managed to stay awake for half of it!  I just love our time together, everything is so comfortable and fun. I love the way he kisses me and holds me close.  He is just so tender and loving it makes me feel very special!

Sidenote: Great date but I felt off the entire time and it took me two whole days to put my finger on what it was.  I realized I was completely shut off emotionally, normally I can feel some stirring of my heart and this time I kept it locked tight.  I didn't mean to but I know that will not be to my benefit if I continue to do that.  I think emotionally but I don't feel emotionally.  Just the thought of truely allowing my heart to feel something puts me in a panic.  I don't want to put my heart out yet until I have more reassurance from Kyle that he is also moving to the next step as I don't want to get hurt by starting to feel prematurely.  I have been very proud of myself in how slow and relaxed I've taken things.  I give lots of time and space so that I too can keep my independence while dating and not going overboard to being pushy, needy or clingy.  I think thats why things are so good when we are together is that I am self-assured I am getting what I need in the relationship without having to forcefully push for more.  It's there for me when I need it and I can relax and enjoy the present.

I will say a month was too long and I'm done with playing the waiting game.  It's time for me to make things happen.  Still playing it cool and relaxed but I'm going to make more of an effort in hanging out with the friend approach.  Usually when we hang out its an all night and next day event.  I want to show we can also do quick hour or two get togethers.  Plus I know that he likes late minute plans and spontaneity so figure I'll come up with fun ideas and see what happens.

This one is different and I want to make sure I'm doing things right and giving it time to grow.  His busy life and work schedule makes spending time together hard but I'm hoping my perseverance will pay off.  I want to find a relationship where the person is also my best friend and so I'm going to work more on the friendship side of things.  It is hard for me to give up control and let thing happen naturally but that's how it needs to be.  I am the most whole and complete I've ever been in my life and I know I deserve the best and will settle for nothing less.  Hopefully there will be many more adventures with Kyle and maybe he could be the one.....

Less Thinking

I played the patient dater for almost an entire month without making any contact with Kyle.  I did really well until the end when I kind of lost my mind.  I finally took back control and texted him and got a response right back.  Sometimes I think his life is so crazy busy it doesn't even cross him mind to make contact.  Then I found out that he's been given the opportunity to move for work and just the idea he might leave made me feel sick.  For some reason after that long of a wait I just couldn't be normal enough to keep perspective regarding dating him.  Took two days for my mind to come around and back to normal rational thinking.  Then it dawned on me that in general I think too much, especially with dating.  I can be my own worst enemy and this situation was no different.  With some reflection I have decided to try my best and shut of my thinking brain and go with my feeling and emotions.  If it feels right, then I'm going to do it, no more overthinking.  Yes there are dating rules that can help but I still need to do what I think is best for me.  So with that in mind I texted Kyle and told him I'd love to see him and catch up.  He agreed and that should happen sometime this week.

There have been many random interactions coming from guys and I've decided to enjoy each one as they come and be in the moment.  I try to picture the end and future of everything when it would be better to just stay in the present and let things happen on their own as they are meant to be.  The universe will take care of the rest and what is meant to be will be.  It really takes all the stress when I just let go of my control and realize that the right guy for me is out there and everything will work itself out.  Always easier said than done.  But in order for me to carry on happy in my life I have to let go and just let things play themselves out and know that everything has a purpose and will work out to my benefit in the long run.

Patience

Todays topic is one I struggle with but only in male relationships.  In the rest of my life I am one of the most patient people.  Maybe slightly less than I was in my youth, but I'm still calm and relaxed most of the time.  This being said it frustrates me that I can't seem to have patience when it comes to dating and men.  I can put up with so much and have great tolerance, but it's non-existant when I date.  To wait for a guy to pursue, text, call, etc, yeah I fail time and again.  I worry, stress, become impatient to the point I've mess up things by panicking too much.  I just finished re-reading one of my favorite dating books Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus On a Date.  It is possibly the best book ever for the  right steps to dating and how to deal the the behaviors from the opposite sex.  My approach has been wrong, hence my lack of success in dating. With this knowledge I want to be able to apply it to life with the hope that by correcting some bad habits I can find the right guy and create a lasting relationship.

Some habits are just hard to break, patience being my big one.  When I'm with a guy I'm sure of things and can stay that way for a while but then I begin to doubt and worry which in turn makes me become needy and clingy in the relationship which causes the guy to pull away.  With this new outlook on life and maturity I want to do things the right way with new Kyle, starting with being patient and letting him pursue me.  But I must also be aware that when I stop pursuing and the guy is not making any moves that means he is not interested enough to make the effort and I should move on.  This is usually where I fail because I don't wait for the guy, then I pursue so they go along with it and I think they like me when in reality I've made myself an easy hangout/hookup not that they truely have feelings for me.  Then when it does end, I'm crushed because I liked them so much and I thought they liked me but really it was just the circumstance.  When I finally find the right one I want to know that they did the work to catch me and want me over everyone else.

It's easy to say I'm going to be more patient, but putting it into practice is much harder.  It's been 2 weeks since I spoke to Kyle on the phone and it was the last time we've had any contact.  He has been away on trips the last 2 weekends, so I know he's been busy.  I know that he will make contact based on the conversations we have had.  Timing might not be quite right as he is newly out of a relationship and not ready to start a new one.  I'm more than ready to start one but for the two of us the time might not be right now.  What's not to say in a few months timing could be better.  Question is, can I be that patient?  I still go on dates with other people so I'm not holding out for him, but he is the only guy I've really liked since old Kyle, which makes him special and worth waiting for, for now.  I've been really strong about waiting until yesterday when I hit the 2 week mark and now feel that desire to break the silence.  Of course I know that would be a huge mistake.  I want someone who will make the effort and I can't pursue, period!  I usually give myself an end date where then I can break the rule and make contact but with him I worry that would be a mistake.  Maybe he's too busy and just not thinking about it, but that's not what I want.  Sometimes people need a nudge, but because of all my dating issues I think I need to follow all the rules, even if I feel I should do something different.  My way has been nothing but failure so I have nothing to lose by trying a new approach.  I need to pull myself together, be strong and fill up my mind and time with other things to keep me occupied. That way instead of feeling like I'm waiting, all I'm really doing is living a good, full life where wonderful things happen.

I learn more about myself every day and I who I am.  Now I want someone to know me and love me and that is worth waiting and being patient.  The reward will be great!

Oh randomness

I know that random things happen but this last week has been extra unexpected.  Within a weeks time I have had contact with all 4 exes (guys I actually dated with some seriousness)  It started off with old Kyle who texted completely out of the blue.  After the lame Facebook party thing I figure any conversation was dead between us, apparently not!  It was just a how are you, catch up texting but I threw in maybe I'll hit you up sometime to go hiking, which came with the response 'sounds good to me.'  Guess this means we can be friends and hang out sometime.  I'm past having feelings for Kyle so it would making hanging out easy.  He also happens to be the only ex where we have not mastered being friends after dating so this is a good sign.

Next was Zack who has the habit of texting randomly.  It had been a while so it was nice to just catch up.  He was happy I was dating and told me he worries about me.  We were always good friends so its nice to keep in touch occasionally. 

This was followed by the first of all boy issues, Joe.  I'm in Costco and I see him and his son, he didn't see me and I couldn't decide whether to ignore or say hi.  Haven't seen him in about a year and our last conversation did not go well.  Which is why I hesitated to say hi.  But being the bigger person I stopped and ended up sitting and chatting for an hour.  There is nothing better than realizing that I am so happy to be free from him.  The entire conversation was about him.  I think he asked all of one question, he just talked about himself the entire time.  Really I shouldn't be surprised as he was always selfish and self-centered when we dated and when we were close friends.  The only thing I kept thinking was why did I waste those 5+ years wishing and hoping it would work out with us.  I'm just going to say what everyone else thinks and that is I was an idiot, a very big idiot!  But have to take those experiences, learn from them and move on to better things.

After these three had made contact I was feeling pretty good that all my good vibes about myself must be trailing through the universe and even touching the men from my past.  I figure I wouldn't hear from Brett as it had been a long time since we have had contact.  But no, he was the final in this random quad of boys.  Late evening I posted on Facebook about a movie I'd just seen and really liked and he commented followed by a text.  Then he even proceeded to invite me to go to a movie sometime.  As I wasn't sure he was single I did my due diligence to see what was up.  From FB it would seem he is no longer seeing someone so maybe we can hang out this summer too.  Other than old Kyle I was friends with all these guys prior to dating them seriously and so we have that to fall back on and be successful as friends.

I get a lot of crap from people that I am too nice to exes who have hurt me, but it is impossible for me to stay mad, get revenge or hold a grudge.  I am very forgiving of others which I see as one of my virtues.  All this interaction with these guys helps to put things in perspective and allows me to end my thoughts and feelings positively with them.  What better way to move on from past relationships than with positive closure to know that they were good guys who I really liked but they were not the right fit for me and that's ok.  I can learn from those relationships to know what I want in the next guy and how it can be even better.  I feel like all these experiences are helping to get me ready for what's coming.  I'm in such a good place in my life right now that this extra closure just tops everything.  I am whole, I am open and I am ready for the next opportunity....

In a Good Place

Well it's only taken 31 years but I have finally gotten to a truely happy place in life.  I appreciate all the wonderful things that I have and good things continue to happen.  I own a beautiful home, new car, job I love, great friends, family, health, and so much more.  Yes I would love for a man to share in the journey with but I've finally come to that place where I'm overall happy regardless.  Hopefully he is just around the corner and I've taken a new perspective and approach to dating.  I've met someone I really like who is not ready for serious and instead of doing the usual pursuing I realize that its not my job.  I want a man to pursue me, to make the effort to catch me.  I love easily and with everything I have, so I don't worry of my capacity to love someone but I've yet to be truely loved by a man.  No more of the old ways of playing the boy role and doing all the work, its time I let them earn my attention and love instead of giving it away so freely.  My emotions are well guarded from experience and only someone who truely deserves it then will I let them out again.  It could be new Kyle or not.  It will be the person who fights for me.  It's all about patience and it's a good lesson for me as that has not been my strong suit in dating.  When I finally find the right person I want to know that they want me over anyone else and that I am that person they will love forever.  In order for that to happen I have to give them the opportunity to pursue and catch me, which is where patience comes in.  No more doing the calling, texting, planning, asking etc.  I have to give him the chance to actually miss me and realize that he wants to spend time with me and will make that effort.  Maybe this will happen and maybe he'll just forget about me and find someone else.  If that is the case then it was meant to be and there will be someone else who will step up to the challenge and make me his.

This new view has come as a relief.  There really isn't anything to worry or stress about regarding whether a guy likes me.  If I'm important to him then he will make the effort, if not then I move on.  This new thinking is a huge step.  My pursuit of guys has been my constant downfall.  Even if things are good I tend to smother them and become needy, now I know that by backing off and letting things happen in their own time that I can break my patterns.  Maybe now the outcome will be different with this new approach.

Also I'm working on getting the image in my head of the perfect man for me so that I can send out to the universe that I'm ready and I know what I want.  I'm clear in my mind what it is I'm looking for and know that with gratitude the universe with work to make this desire happen.  My time is now!

Even aside from dating I've realize my entire mentality has changed.  The way I see things, how I react, how my mind deals with things and my emotions.  Like finally waking up as my real self and actually knowing that person.  I use to fight back and forth of not really knowing where I stood on things and who I thought I was.  Now I see and love myself.  I understand my standards and values and what beliefs I have of the world.  I'm become myself without the pull or influence from others.  I am my true me!  This is only the beginning of more realizations and discoveries, all of which I look forward to.  It's hard to explain it in words as most of it is clarity in my mind.  But the change has been felt and understood.  The world awaits, now is the time to live!

Clean slate dating

Something strange has happened and I've decided to take a different approach to dating.  With sound and wise advice from my dad I'm going to wipe out all my negative expectations when it comes to dating.  If I always expect that things will be the same, hurt and disappointment, then that is always what I will get.  One can take experiences learned in a relationship, good or bad, and use that knowledge for the next time without dragging their past baggage with it.  Everyone has negative experiences they would rather not relive, so you take that experience to do better the next time without letting those past things bring down the next relationship.  I'm going to admit its hard to wipe away that hurt and resentment completely, but it must be done.  Each new person you date should get the courtesy of a being a clean slate where anything is possible.  If not you have already set things to failure because no guy can win if you are dragging around all the things that 'other' guys have done to you.  This goes for both men and women, people get burned, it happens but if you think that will always be the outcome you will continue to be unsuccessful.  With this realization I see how things have failed before and I'm ready to turn things around starting now.

I've spent quite a bit of time lately trying to really set down what it is that I am looking for in a relationship and man.  In the past I've been all over the map on the type of guy I'm wanting to find.  I think it makes it impossible for the universe to bring you what you want if you're not 100% clear about what it is.  So I've begun writing down what are the most important things to me, qualities I will not be without or compromise on.  I need to know my boundaries and where I want things to be that compliment my values.  I went out of my normal on Facebook and posted to the world all the things I am grateful for and that if I could ask life for one more thing it would be to find the right man for me.  I'm ready finally to be my best self and do things the right way.  I'm ready for success!

I'm in a really good place in my life and want that happiness to continue.  Which leads me to the next update on Kyle.  I decided I was done waiting for a text from him and so I made the move and got what I wanted.  Promise of another date, and it was a good one!  I knew I liked him and it was probably time for us to talk about what it is that we are looking for and if there was potential for us.  I will confess as many time as I've wanted to have this conversation with guys, I've failed and never been able to be that open with them.  Downside of that is you continue seeing someone and getting emotionally involved without knowing where each person is at and want they really want.  This method usually blows up leaving someone (me) crushed when it ends suddenly.  But that is all in the past now and I'm ready to do things right, being trusting, open and honest with my thoughts and feelings.  Thankfully I'm dating someone who is already that way and did me the favor by starting the conversation.  I was ready to push things a little more serious to see what potential there is and he's not ready to get into a relationship yet (just ended engagement 3 months ago)  Can't say I was disappointed just needed a minute to process things.  He likes to take things slow and let things blossom into a relationship on its own.  No rushing into things, which sounds great to me as I have the tendency to rush into things without building a solid friendship and basis for a relationship.  Maybe by taking a different approach I can now be more successful in dating.  We are dating but will also be dating other people for the time being.  I figure over time we will either want to become exclusive or move on to someone else.  I get extra benefits with our dating that is exclusive to us.  If anything changes and we meet someone else we want to have those benefits with we will discuss them first with each other.  This much honestly is refreshing where I don't have to guess or get stressed about what's going on.

We had many more conversations about all sorts of things.  I still don't know what it is about him that makes me feel so much like myself.  I'm calm, relaxed and completely comfortable to be open with him.  He thinks its the effect of how he was raised but I think its more than that even though that does help.  Our vibe together is natural, fun, loving and playful.  Also I think its the way we interact that adds so much to why I'm having such a good time.  We act like a couple.  Its the first time being affectionate with someone where it never feels overwhelming or forced.  Its all in the little details and sweet gestures.  Only time will tell whether this will bud into a full exclusive relationship that could go all the way to being the one or it will be a great opportunity to learn and discover this newer, better side of myself.  I'm excited to see what the future holds!

Continued stir

Well things are progressing well with new Kyle.  Our second date was amazing.  Got to see his fabulous house that I am absolutely in love with.  His decorating taste is exceptional.  His dogs are really sweet and the puppy likes me a lot.  He is very thoughful and sweet, definitely someone who puts his lady first.  I realize spending time with Kyle that I feel like myself, very open and comfortable with him.  Apparently my being comfortable is very obvious because he even mentioned how confident and secure with myself I am.  That was a new one for me since I'm usually insecure about myself when dating.  He admitted he liked me first and I reciprocated.  Then something else happened, I recognized that my emotions have come back to existance.  They are still safely locked away but I sense their presence.  This is an exciting discovery since I've been without feelings for a long time and was not sure they would come back.  Apparently I just needed to meet the right person to heal the wounds left by my last relationship.  I'm not ready to open that box yet until I feel that there is a good chance for Kyle and I to have potential for a relationship.  But I hear a faint knocking of my heart and with assurance from him I'll let myself learn to feel again.

Our third date was just as good.  We went out to dinner, he opens my doors for me and held my hand in public.  We were able to talk and get to know each other more and I'm really liking him, which I told him.  This kind of comfort is new and I want to say what I am thinking and be very up front about what I want from the beginning.  His life is a bit of the opposite from mine, in that he is so busy with work, friends, travel.  He's lived all over, done so many cool things in his life.  I feel I'm a bit boring compared to him but maybe between the two of us we can find a happy medium of a chill and busy life.  He's informed me that he is picky and only wants to marry once and find the right person.  Funny how that sounds like me, time to ask and explore what we are looking for and picky about and maybe we've found what we are looking for.

I will say I'm trying to play this as cool as I can.  I know he is extremely busy so I give him lots of space, don't text every day and let him make the moves to ask me out.  I enjoy it more if he is the one pursuing but I'm about ready to sit down and talk about the potential of a more committed relationship.  I want to feel again and need the green light to allow myself to let that happen.  But happy to find out I'm not dead.  Times are changing!

There is a Stir

First it turns out my ex was nothing like the person I thought he was.  He was a sweet, kind, romantic, thoughful guy.  After the breakup we would touch base and I thought we could be friends like I have will all other past relationships.  Nope, he has proven to be a rude jerk that I can't really call a friend.  Situation was I saw a Facebook post that he was having a house warming party and because I am friends with some of his friends I was able to see it even though I was not actually invited.  Just to be funny I sent a message giving him a hard time about not being invited and going to be a party crasher.  It was all in good fun, but his reaction was not to respond back and make the party private as if it no longer existed.  I was beyond annoyed and went back and forth on whether to say something to him.  He could have gone any number of routes that would have been less rude relating to not being invited.  This low blow has made me rethink our entire relationship and that it now feels like it was all a lie and he never cared at all.  Guess I can't be too crushed since its over and I now really know I deserve better than him.  Ok had to get that little rant off my chest, on to more interesting things.

Ok so yes I'm not trying to date, but I don't say no if an opportunity presents itself.  Case in point I was setup by my aunt with the brother of the guy marrying my cousin.  Even though the guy was divorced, with a kid and 10 years my junior and agreed because I know it makes other people happy when I say yes to setups, this also included his very happy mother.  We had a really nice evening and ended up talking until late.  There were many things and ideas we had in common but for me it was hard to overlook the age gap.  I could feel it in the way he has yet to discover himself and know what career to pursue and finding a living situation away from his parents.  Its ok to be young but I don't want to have to take a step backwards from how far I've come in my own life.  I do not want to support another person, I want to be taken care of.  It was nice and fun, so think that made it a successful date and the ball is completely in his court.  So far he has yet to make contact.

But something new happened last week.  I met a guy on Match that I found quite attractive, great emails and was really looking forward to meeting.  Even though I was sick that week, I still went through with the date.  Lucky for me he had also been sick, so I didn't feel as bad to be sniffling and coughing through with the date.  We met at Henry's (love that place) and he looked a bit different from his pictures, not bad just different which surprised me, plus he was shorter looking in person. (its been awhile since I dated someone closer to my height)  Dinner was great, we had tons of things to talk about and he was very open and honest and tried to get the same from me.  Note to self, I need to come up with better questions to ask lol.  Anyway we talked and flirted until he needed to head home to let his dogs out.  Like a gentleman he walked me to my car which was in a parking garage.  Then he asked if he could kiss me, because he wanted to know what my lips felt like.  Kind of cute, but sadly the kiss was not.  See the post prior to this one on tips for kissing.  Kissed maybe 5 times and it needs some work which was a let down but everything else was great so I'm still in.  He headed to Hawaii for a week and I've already twice put myself out there in text so now I'm off the grid and quiet to see if he makes contact when he returns.  I want to find someone who puts the time and effort in to pursue me.  I want to be chased, so we'll see.

In reference to the post title, this is the first time I have felt actual interest in a date and want to see where it goes.  It's been a long time since I have felt something, feelings of any kind and I don't really know what to do with it.  First it made me want to pursue him which is never a good idea, followed by feelings of loneliness and really wanting someone in my life.  I had forgotten the excitement dating can bring. Until now guys have been nice but I haven't felt for them and got the same response back in the right way.  Definitely have felt a stir, not sure what I'm suppose to do with it, but I'm happy that it can return and exist again.  I should throw out there that this guy's name is also Kyle (as in Kyle the ex)  I've taken to nicknaming him new Kyle and I think I'm open to seeing if I can repair some the damage left by old Kyle by putting myself out there to date new Kyle.  Jury is out on this one if there will be more dates, but he made enough references to let me hope that there will be.  As per usual I'm already doubting and coming up with reasons why it won't work out.  I really am my own worse enemy.  Hoping I can stay open and confident and just give myself the opportunity to get out there and try actually 'dating' a person.  Regardless of the outcome I need to try to have more experiences like this one.  Changes are good and I need a fresh start with boys.