Up and Down

Again patience is not my strong suit, but all things considered this is the best I've ever been, so progress has been made.  I struggle with the fact that Kyle does not make any effort to call, text and make contact.  I play it cool by making contact once a week or so to keep things casual, but I'm growing tired of it.  I like him too much for my own good.  He's not ready for a relationship and too busy and as I know that, I can't fault him for lack of effort.  But when I think of our time togther things are beyond amazing.  I cannot fathom a guy being that sweet and romantic if he wasn't feeling it with me.  I think its more just being busy and a guy that makes things the way they are but its time I find better ways to deal with it.  I've shut off my feelings the best I can and have decided unless I'm actually with Kyle I will take the no feeling, don't care approach.  If we are together I will open up.  Also I have to remember that sometimes timing isn't right until it is and that might not be right now.  Time changes everything and now might not be our time.  What's meant to be will be.

I recently watched one of my movies I very much like called Elizabethtown, which looks into people's lives with work failures and death of a parent and the new beginnings and love along the way.  They make reference to a certain kind of person called 'substitutes,' placeholders until they find the right one.  Sometimes I feel like I am the substitute for people when dating, just filling in the time until they meet the right one.  But just like the movie I too deserve more and that guy will be luckiest.  In the meantime I would like to find a way to become happier and live more.  I need to find enthusiasm for life and fill my time wisely.  As summer approaches I would like to find more ways to enjoy nature, spend time with people who uplift my spirits and expand my horizons.  I need to be able to give back and be interesting for the people I meet.

I have to admit that I still have really down days where I despair that I will be alone forever and sometime I feel consumed by it.  So I turn of all my feelings in order to pull myself back out.  Then carefully begin to let in positive feelings and deal again.  Things seem to be back on the upside.

I also logged onto Match and pretty much by having an active profile people are constantly emailing me, which can be fun.  Don't exactly want to have to go on dates but talking to people online is fun.  There was one particular that has stuck out.  I refuse to make the effort to get asked out, if a uy is interested he can make the move and go from there.  So far we are just in the getting to know you phase.  Brett still texts and is going to help me with some house projects and I think he just needs someone to text and potentially hang out with, even though he is not available for dating.  I have to stay clear of caring or having any feeling toward him because it's not an option.  Last I've texted and call Kyle and all I get are just brief answers or silence.  He's out of town on business again and honestly his life is his job and I can't fault that I just think we might never go anywhere and I need to let go even more and if things change over time I'll deal with it when it happens.

Kind of at an impass with Kyle and other things are constantly happening that I might have to leave things alone and hope that at some point he makes the effort, otherwise he does not deserve me.  It's hard let go of the thing I want and sometimes I feel I never get what I want.  Maybe I just haven't wanted the right things yet.....

Date #5

I got what I wanted, my next date with Kyle!  We met up later Friday night.  The night was warm so we walked to dinner in St. John even held hands both there and back.  We caught up on things and all the opportunities he is being offered at work.  He is swaying towards staying here so I hope that will be the final outcome, otherwise he will be gone within a few months and will devote his life to work for the next few years.  But I think home and family will keep him grounded.  We walked back home and then watched a movie, he even managed to stay awake for half of it!  I just love our time together, everything is so comfortable and fun. I love the way he kisses me and holds me close.  He is just so tender and loving it makes me feel very special!

Sidenote: Great date but I felt off the entire time and it took me two whole days to put my finger on what it was.  I realized I was completely shut off emotionally, normally I can feel some stirring of my heart and this time I kept it locked tight.  I didn't mean to but I know that will not be to my benefit if I continue to do that.  I think emotionally but I don't feel emotionally.  Just the thought of truely allowing my heart to feel something puts me in a panic.  I don't want to put my heart out yet until I have more reassurance from Kyle that he is also moving to the next step as I don't want to get hurt by starting to feel prematurely.  I have been very proud of myself in how slow and relaxed I've taken things.  I give lots of time and space so that I too can keep my independence while dating and not going overboard to being pushy, needy or clingy.  I think thats why things are so good when we are together is that I am self-assured I am getting what I need in the relationship without having to forcefully push for more.  It's there for me when I need it and I can relax and enjoy the present.

I will say a month was too long and I'm done with playing the waiting game.  It's time for me to make things happen.  Still playing it cool and relaxed but I'm going to make more of an effort in hanging out with the friend approach.  Usually when we hang out its an all night and next day event.  I want to show we can also do quick hour or two get togethers.  Plus I know that he likes late minute plans and spontaneity so figure I'll come up with fun ideas and see what happens.

This one is different and I want to make sure I'm doing things right and giving it time to grow.  His busy life and work schedule makes spending time together hard but I'm hoping my perseverance will pay off.  I want to find a relationship where the person is also my best friend and so I'm going to work more on the friendship side of things.  It is hard for me to give up control and let thing happen naturally but that's how it needs to be.  I am the most whole and complete I've ever been in my life and I know I deserve the best and will settle for nothing less.  Hopefully there will be many more adventures with Kyle and maybe he could be the one.....

Less Thinking

I played the patient dater for almost an entire month without making any contact with Kyle.  I did really well until the end when I kind of lost my mind.  I finally took back control and texted him and got a response right back.  Sometimes I think his life is so crazy busy it doesn't even cross him mind to make contact.  Then I found out that he's been given the opportunity to move for work and just the idea he might leave made me feel sick.  For some reason after that long of a wait I just couldn't be normal enough to keep perspective regarding dating him.  Took two days for my mind to come around and back to normal rational thinking.  Then it dawned on me that in general I think too much, especially with dating.  I can be my own worst enemy and this situation was no different.  With some reflection I have decided to try my best and shut of my thinking brain and go with my feeling and emotions.  If it feels right, then I'm going to do it, no more overthinking.  Yes there are dating rules that can help but I still need to do what I think is best for me.  So with that in mind I texted Kyle and told him I'd love to see him and catch up.  He agreed and that should happen sometime this week.

There have been many random interactions coming from guys and I've decided to enjoy each one as they come and be in the moment.  I try to picture the end and future of everything when it would be better to just stay in the present and let things happen on their own as they are meant to be.  The universe will take care of the rest and what is meant to be will be.  It really takes all the stress when I just let go of my control and realize that the right guy for me is out there and everything will work itself out.  Always easier said than done.  But in order for me to carry on happy in my life I have to let go and just let things play themselves out and know that everything has a purpose and will work out to my benefit in the long run.