Some thoughts on the situation

I have had a lot more time to myself now that Kyle and I are on a break and it has given me time to reflect on our relationship and where to go from here.  First I think the way I reacted when he came home and gave me the bad news might have not been what he expected to happen.  Perhaps we should have just gone to bed or I could have gone home for the night and we could have discussed things the next day.  Obviously I can't take it back but I think things could have gone differently.  I think it was time we got some space apart. He has a bunch of projects that require his time and focus and I am working on myself.  Upon reading some other literature I also think we are going through the normal process in a relationship, it just got blown up more than I would have liked.  I believe there is great hope for Kyle and I and that with time and effort we can try again and make this work.

When we talk we sound like our usual selves.  I have really seen changes in my life regarding being less people pleasing, standing up for myself and not letting the opinions or what other people think affect me.  I feel stronger and more confident.  I know I will be seeing Kyle once the floors are done and I hope that we can start where we left off.  But it will be time to have the talk and give things a second chance or really end things.  I have hope that we are meant to be and with work we can be stronger than ever.

Disaster then the Light

While we were both on vacation we talked almost every night and towards the end I was feeling better and really looking forward to seeing him and working on my communication.  I picked him up from the airport, we drove home and then he said he wanted to talk and that I wasn't going to like it.  This started a long talk including him thinking my religion would tear us and my family apart, that he wasn't in love with me and thought by now he should be, that we aren't communicating and that he felt he had hit a wall.  I remained calm through most of the conversation trying to talk through things, but eventually it hit me and it was too much.  I lost it....and then some.  I didn't know what to do as I felt he was breaking up with me and my heart was shattered.  He left the room and I went and started packing all the things I had in the house, while crying hysterically.  He had the same sick look on his face and just kept saying I don't know to everything I said.  I asked if we were ending it, taking a break, being just friends and he had no answer which just made things worse.  He hugged me and I pleaded but he remained unknown.  He helped me pack my car and kissed me goodbye saying he still wanted to see and talk with me.  By now I wasn't hearing anything but that this was the end.  It was the darkest night of my life where I thought I would not survive without him.  The next day I asked to meet him to talk and read him pages of my very thought out thoughts I had worked on to express how I felt about many of his concerns.  He still did not know what he wanted or where we stood.  He didn't want to set times apart or give hope or no hope.  I've never been more confused as it just left things still completely unknown.  We talked for 2 hours and towards the end we sounded more like us.  He said it felt weird refering to how normal everything felt and we left with our future unknown.

I have been devastated but realized through our last conversation that I needed to find myself, figure out what I want in my life and be more open.  None of this is new to me as I've known there are things I still need to work on.  I turned to a book I had read before relating to people pleasers and there I found my answer.  All my issues are related to having adult anxious attachment, or nice girl syndrome.  It was an eye opener and I read, highlighted and made notes to help me be more aware and find myself.  Funny enough with all the anxiety and sadness due to break from Kyle I found myself feeling that I would be ok no matter the outcome.  I really hoped he would call me but wasn't sure where we stood with things.  Just days later I was catching up and telling Aimee all the exciting new discoveries I was making when I received a call from Kyle.

I think he thought I'd deleted him because he introduced himself.  He asked how I was and I'm sure did not expect the response he got.  Pretty sure he thought I was in a dark hole crying my eyes out, when in reality I was working on bettering myself.  We had a great conversation where I told him all the exciting discoveries I was making about myself.  He then surprised me and asked if I wanted to hang out that weekend.  Wonders never cease.  We have talked several times since but have not yet been able to hang out.  I'm giving him until the end of his dad's visit to do the house floors before I really give the push for him to decide and push giving our relationship another chance.  Hopefully this wakeup call will be the thing that brings us closer together and make us better than ever.  Only time will tell.

Updates and Changes

I had forgotten about this blog and posting how my dating life is going.  I wished I had remembered so I could account for all the changes going on between Kyle and I.  It's not the same to write about things after the fact because the feelings change constantly from each experience.  As a quick catch up, we got the house all put together.  I got to meet Kyle's parents who are amazing and I loved.  Kyle made it official that we are girlfriend/boyfriend becasue I had met the parents and gotten their approval.  After they left things were wonderful.  We continue to work on the house and I have started to bring some things over.  It only took a few weeks but eventually I stopped hiding the things I had in the house.  Mostly I was trying not to over step my bounds and take over the house with my own things.  Kyle on the other hand could not figure out why I didn't just bring things over.  This would be where we differed in how we percieved things.  I've also been buying groceries and we make dinner together.  He grills and I make a mean salad!  We have since had quite a few 'talks' many relating to religion and children that we ae working through finding a compromise that will make everyone happy.  Kyle knows who he is and what he wants, now I need to find out where I stand so that I can say what I want.

I love that Kyle talks about the future with me included.  He calls it 'our' house, we talk about raising kids and he wants my input on the house.  I feel so included that I know I'm important and matter.  Hopefully I can be open with my thoughts and feelings, although sometimes I don't know what I want.  Kyle's birthday is coming up and I can't wait.  I have the night all planned out with dinner and gifts.

The day of Kyle's birthday has arrived.  He had a great day at work where his coworkers made him a cake with his face on it.  I was still working on his second gift and got behind and was late getting to his house.  As usual I got all flustered and apologetic that we were late for our reservation.  Luckily I was able to push it back and once we got there all was well.  I took him to The Melting Pot since he had never been.  Dinner was amazing, I felt so in love and happy and Kyle said it was the best dinner ever and the best birthday he had ever had.  The evening was perfect!  We drove home and I gave him his gifts, the jacket he's been wanting and his family crest I had framed.  He was speakless on the second gift and I knew I had done well.  Truely his best birthday ever followed by lots of love.  He commented how could he top this for my birthday...I could think of something I really want that's sparkly ;)

Time moves on and life settled down.  Our evenings usually consist of dinner, TV and sleep.  There have been a few off days and I'm starting to struggle with being open.  When Kyle seems upset or cranky I worry that things are not good and then panic and don't want to push the issue or talk about more difficult topics.  I have gotten quieter and am afraid to bring things up for fear of losing what I have.  We still sit down and have talks and I'm not sure I'm getting my point across.  Sometimes I need more time to think things over and to figure out what I want, but I don't tell Kyle that.  A week before Kyle leaves for vacation we have a really serious talk where he expresses some of his concerns and I struggle to make sense of things.  He asked where I saw our relationship going and I was unprepared to respond.  I told him that I thought things were great and heading in the right, more serious direction and that I loved him.  This was followed by him saying he wasn't ready to say it and that he had some concerns of me not being open and discussing things about myself and what I want.  He seemed fine by the next day but I felt distressed for the rest of the week and really pulled back.  The morning he left he had back to his old loving self and I thought we were good.