Let me start with the not so good news. During some random browsing on Facebook I was checking out Kyle's profile (we are not friends but I can see much of his profile) There was nothing new to look at except recently added friends. Normally I would not even notice but the picture of a new friend happen to be of a girl and him. Being the investigator I am I clicked and there was Kyle and some girl dressed up for some event photo op as her profile pic. A sickening feeling followed. The picture was posted Wednesday and they became FB friends Friday. I had only talked with him on Tuesday and honestly thought we were good, he was busy with work and I'd wait to give him time to settle with the new job. I figured if he had started to date someone he's just say so, end of story. Not trying to blow things out of proportion I reasonably figured they could just be good friends at an event. My girl brain thought otherwise and was fueled by the comments under the photo including cute couple, details, you look so happy and her remark, things are going really good:). This alone gives me pause that he is most likely dating this girl. I went through feeling sick, devastated, angry and hurt. With all of our open conversations I assumed if he met someone he'd just be honest and tell me, which we had discussed before. Also with him being consumed with work I don't know where he found the time. I'm more hurt over the fact he was the first guy I had liked and felt feelings for in almost a year, a big step for me. He was sweet, romantic and open and I thought there was potential there until his career starting taking off and things got crazy busy for him. I've gone back and forth on what I should do. He should have the benefit of the doubt since I really shouldn't have information with that photo and be speculating. I don't feel motivated yet but I do want to call him and either talk to him directly or leave a voicemail just catching up but also really putting it out there that I still like him and hope that when his life calms down we could pick up where we left off and see where things go. But if for one reason or another he is no longer interested, has met someone else or doesn't think he will be trying to date for a long time then that is as far as we go and it was great while it lasted. I don't want to accuse or be mad, just be honest about how I feel and leave it in his court. I've tried to let it go and not hold on to things. It's hard because I actually felt for him and that part has been broken for a long time, but no sense in wallowing in the loss.
Well enough of the sad stuff and on to better and definitely more interesting news that has helped with the above news. I had said there was potential of Brett and I getting together on Friday but I wasn't sure it would really happen.....but it did. He came over to watch a show which I didn't realize until after he came over I didn't have on Hulu Plus, we joked it was me trying to get him over under false pretense! I was curious what it would be like to hang out. Other than when he came to see my house, it had been years since we have seen each other and I wasn't sure what it would be like. Apparently he is still just as easy to talk to in person and I'm completely myself around him. It was later in the evening and I didn't want to change into jeans, so there I was in my crazy plaid orange OSU flannel pajama bottoms. The top half of me was still put together from how I looked at work. Thankfully he showed up in sweats so I felt more at ease. We found another show to watch instead and watched one episode, then talked through the next two. He said he could only stay an hour which turned into several hours. We talked about all sorts of things and then I saw the look and realized this might led to something more than just friends hanging out. I avoided for as long as I could, only because I wasn't sure if he's still in a relationship with someone. Whether or not that is true things headed to a fun place and we made out for a really long time. It's been years but apparently we've still got it. The only thing I struggle with is not feeling anything. But he is different in that we have done this dance before with no seriousness so I know not to let my feelings get involved without some sort of commitment. Needless to say it was very nice and fun. This happened before the Kyle thing and I was feeling bad about kissing someone else. I feel no guilt now as he apparently is seeing someone. My only concern now is where Brett is at with the girl he was/is seeing and what he is looking for in the future. I'm not looking for just a fun hookup I want to be in a committed relationship thats headed for the whole married and kids direction. Enough of playing around, I want the real deal. After a fun evening the next day we picked up with texting like all was well and it had not changed the great friendship we have. The next time we see each other I'm going to have to be open and ask him about things so that I know exactly where I stand. And maybe if things go well I can figure out a way to let my emotions come out and see where things could go.
Here is a guy who in the last few months texts almost everyday, usually starts the conversations and makes the effort I'm so wanting a guy to make. That being said I only want it if he is available and interested to giving us a chance. I will not be a substitute, I want only the best! I can tell I'm protecting myself by trying to find reasons not to like him and why it won't work, but these are nonsense games that only will hurt me for not being open to finding love. Here is a guy who really knows the real me, has spent time with me randomly over 7 years and seen me in different phases of my life. If the person I want to be with is someone who likes me the way I am and I can be great friends with.....Brett's winning points in this area. That being said I still don't know where he is coming from and what he is wanting. That will be the next conversation, hopefully within the week and then I will have a clearer picture of how I should feel about him. Yes there was some hurt over the weekend, but maybe I needed a reason to let Kyle go in order to be open to Brett in the future. Interesting developments for sure!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
Nothing is dead until it is, but even then it's rarely all the way dead.
Long title today but one that has manifested itself many times over. Somehow I can date people and for whatever reason it doesn't work out and yet months, years later those people come back again. This is true for every guy I had a more personal relationship with, they never seem to die even after they have moved on to other people. I'll talk about this issue later. In the past two weeks I've had people coming out of the woodwork. A guy I went out with twice and the second date to a movie was awkward and I assumed the last I would ever hear from him. Nope, he found me again on Match and wanted to see how I was and if I wanted to hang out sometime. Some other guy found me on Match and apparently we had talked years before on a church dating site but had never met. He was in town and wanted to be shown around. I should mention I gave him lots of opportunity to meet me and he didn't seem that serious about it. Fine for me as he doesn't live in state so no need for complications.
Some oldies are my friend Ryan who is married, struggling there and apparently still likes me from when we met 7 years ago. We never had to chance to date when he was single as I was interested in someone else and he move on and started a family. I've decided the best approach to this one is to ignore. I refuse to become part of the catalyst for a marriage that is struggling to survive. Now if he was single again maybe I would be open to dating and see where things go from there. Not only does he live out of state, haven't seen in 7 years and has a kid.....it's a lot of maybe and unknowns there.
Next would be Brett where every so many years we cross paths. We met through work and dated but again I was more interested in someone else so I would not commit. I've regretted this decision and always wondered if I had specifically dated Brett how my life would have gone and if we would have worked out. I was the reason nothing became of it. Years later we ran into each other in the grocery store parking lot. I had heard he had gotten married and a few months before had decided to stop holding on to still having feelings for him. Then I run into him, find out he didn't get married and so we start texting and hung out a few times. Still had something there and had some good times together. But it never amounted to anything and we again went our separate ways and he started dating someone else. We would occasionally text just to say hi and catch up and went to dinner once but that was it. Then another almost 2 years I posted something on Facebook about a movie I'd just seen, which led to him posting then texting me. We haven't stopped texting since, its nice being able to tell my day to, with someone who knows me well. The issue here is that he is not available as he is still dating the same girl, so I cannot allow myself to like him as anything more than a friend. He came over to check out my house and it seemed so easy to talk to him and I remembered why I liked him all that time ago. Since then we have talked about hanging out again, but so far it has only been talk. I am trying to play low-key since he really is not available and I don't want to be the 'other' woman. I want to be #1 and the only woman in a guy's life, but I still find myself as the 'substitute' (see a few posts ago) I have no idea what he is thinking and where his relationship is at, part of me doesn't want to rock anything but anything more serious comes about it will have to be discussed. There is a part of me that wishes he could be single and maybe third times the charm. With the way life changes constantly I can't rule it out!
On the next topic of Kyle I have come to good place with that. After a few times of phone tag and a great voicemail where he caught me up on what's been going on in his life and apologized several times for being so distant. That alone made me feel important and that he is in no way trying to push me away, his life is just so consumed with his job and making choices there is not time for anything else. A few days ago he called between meetings just to return my call and say hi. He confessed everyone was being ignored and that things had been crazy. He will be taking the job in the Bay but working on staying here and just traveling there 3 days out of the week. I worry with the pace he is keeping he might be headed to burnout. He admitted he didn't have time to date and I agreed with him. Now is not the time for us or anyone else. When things become official with his job and he gets back into a routine with decisions made I'd like to readdress whether he still likes me enough to continue to make some effort in the future when things slow down. I'm willing to wait and be patient as I feel there is something special with him. I'm not making big effort to date but if it comes my way I'm up for meeting people. Related to the title who knows if I just let things be, but continue to be friends if months later the opportunity and timing could be right. People have reappeared and I think that could play out with Kyle when dating becomes important to him again. I would like to establish a good friendship with him in the meantime and hope that we can find time to see each other in person on occasion.
My head is in a really good space where I am worry and stress free from dating, boys and relationships, a first for me. I can only control so much and I'm happier to just let things be and not force or make a big deal. Life is good and I feel at peace with my choices. There are many opportunities still to meet new people and there are oldies that seem to be returning as well. I'd like to use this time and the summer to have a good time and expand my horizons. Whether I have people to adventure with or not I'm going to branch into new hobbies and hopefully meet people and have fun on the way.
Some oldies are my friend Ryan who is married, struggling there and apparently still likes me from when we met 7 years ago. We never had to chance to date when he was single as I was interested in someone else and he move on and started a family. I've decided the best approach to this one is to ignore. I refuse to become part of the catalyst for a marriage that is struggling to survive. Now if he was single again maybe I would be open to dating and see where things go from there. Not only does he live out of state, haven't seen in 7 years and has a kid.....it's a lot of maybe and unknowns there.
Next would be Brett where every so many years we cross paths. We met through work and dated but again I was more interested in someone else so I would not commit. I've regretted this decision and always wondered if I had specifically dated Brett how my life would have gone and if we would have worked out. I was the reason nothing became of it. Years later we ran into each other in the grocery store parking lot. I had heard he had gotten married and a few months before had decided to stop holding on to still having feelings for him. Then I run into him, find out he didn't get married and so we start texting and hung out a few times. Still had something there and had some good times together. But it never amounted to anything and we again went our separate ways and he started dating someone else. We would occasionally text just to say hi and catch up and went to dinner once but that was it. Then another almost 2 years I posted something on Facebook about a movie I'd just seen, which led to him posting then texting me. We haven't stopped texting since, its nice being able to tell my day to, with someone who knows me well. The issue here is that he is not available as he is still dating the same girl, so I cannot allow myself to like him as anything more than a friend. He came over to check out my house and it seemed so easy to talk to him and I remembered why I liked him all that time ago. Since then we have talked about hanging out again, but so far it has only been talk. I am trying to play low-key since he really is not available and I don't want to be the 'other' woman. I want to be #1 and the only woman in a guy's life, but I still find myself as the 'substitute' (see a few posts ago) I have no idea what he is thinking and where his relationship is at, part of me doesn't want to rock anything but anything more serious comes about it will have to be discussed. There is a part of me that wishes he could be single and maybe third times the charm. With the way life changes constantly I can't rule it out!
On the next topic of Kyle I have come to good place with that. After a few times of phone tag and a great voicemail where he caught me up on what's been going on in his life and apologized several times for being so distant. That alone made me feel important and that he is in no way trying to push me away, his life is just so consumed with his job and making choices there is not time for anything else. A few days ago he called between meetings just to return my call and say hi. He confessed everyone was being ignored and that things had been crazy. He will be taking the job in the Bay but working on staying here and just traveling there 3 days out of the week. I worry with the pace he is keeping he might be headed to burnout. He admitted he didn't have time to date and I agreed with him. Now is not the time for us or anyone else. When things become official with his job and he gets back into a routine with decisions made I'd like to readdress whether he still likes me enough to continue to make some effort in the future when things slow down. I'm willing to wait and be patient as I feel there is something special with him. I'm not making big effort to date but if it comes my way I'm up for meeting people. Related to the title who knows if I just let things be, but continue to be friends if months later the opportunity and timing could be right. People have reappeared and I think that could play out with Kyle when dating becomes important to him again. I would like to establish a good friendship with him in the meantime and hope that we can find time to see each other in person on occasion.
My head is in a really good space where I am worry and stress free from dating, boys and relationships, a first for me. I can only control so much and I'm happier to just let things be and not force or make a big deal. Life is good and I feel at peace with my choices. There are many opportunities still to meet new people and there are oldies that seem to be returning as well. I'd like to use this time and the summer to have a good time and expand my horizons. Whether I have people to adventure with or not I'm going to branch into new hobbies and hopefully meet people and have fun on the way.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Letting go.....
After much thought and reflection I've come to the same place of realization that dating and boys causes complete havoc in my life. I have a quiet, simple, relaxed life where for the most part I'm pretty happy. I will be good for a long time but as soon as I try to add dating or like a boy all normalcy and sanity goes out the window and I turn into a crazy person. The emotional rollercoaster that follows is enough to make anyone lose their mind. I know this and yet time and again I put myself back out there with the hope of finding the right guy. The sad part is by having that hope and trying again everything gets turned upside down and I am far worse off after things end and come crashing down. Of course I have learned from all my dating experiences and have grown from them, but really I could have lived without some them.
So what does all this mean? It will be nearly impossible for me to ever meet a guy if I don't make the effort since single guys are not really showing up in my daily life (unless someone is hiding at the gym) so without online dating I don't know how people meet. That being said I am at that point again where I think it will be in my best interest to step away from dating and get a better perspective of my life. I need to close off that emotionally distressing part and be able to focus on the truely wonderful life I have. Yes I want more than anything to have someone to share this life with, but so far it hasn't happened and I'm tired of always letting it get me down and destroy the rest of the good parts. I'm not sure if I should give myself a time limit of how long I'm going to work on myself before I readdress opening the dating channel again. I should throw out there that everytime I make the decision to quit dating I meet someone and I get excited all over again until it ends and I'm worse off than I was before. I'd like to say I'm completely not open while off dating, but if something or someone comes along I'm not going to just dismiss it either. I want nothing more than to enjoy summer and I would really like people to do things with. Dating was an outlet to meet those people but then there is always one side that is less interested than the other. So I've made the decision that I will plan activities to do on my own, invite someone to join and if they can't then I carry on and do it anyway. I think if I plan things right there are people who would join me, I just prefer when other people invite not the other way around. It's no longer time to hold back or miss out on things because I might have to do them alone. I need to get my mind in the right place, where being alone or single is not a topic for discussion or for whining about and I can focus on new hobbies and projects.
There is still some unfinished business with Kyle which I plan on giving a big push in the next week. Then I met a new guy online who I will probably be meeting in the near future. Aside from that I can step out of any dating nonsense and refocus on my next steps in my life. I don't want to wait around making all the effort to have a guy, it should be the other way around. I need to stop holding on to guys not willing to make the effort to have me apart of their life. I want someone who wants me and wants to make the effort, it's as simple as that!
And so for now I'm going to let go and redirect my energies to other positive interests and try to live the fulfilled life!
So what does all this mean? It will be nearly impossible for me to ever meet a guy if I don't make the effort since single guys are not really showing up in my daily life (unless someone is hiding at the gym) so without online dating I don't know how people meet. That being said I am at that point again where I think it will be in my best interest to step away from dating and get a better perspective of my life. I need to close off that emotionally distressing part and be able to focus on the truely wonderful life I have. Yes I want more than anything to have someone to share this life with, but so far it hasn't happened and I'm tired of always letting it get me down and destroy the rest of the good parts. I'm not sure if I should give myself a time limit of how long I'm going to work on myself before I readdress opening the dating channel again. I should throw out there that everytime I make the decision to quit dating I meet someone and I get excited all over again until it ends and I'm worse off than I was before. I'd like to say I'm completely not open while off dating, but if something or someone comes along I'm not going to just dismiss it either. I want nothing more than to enjoy summer and I would really like people to do things with. Dating was an outlet to meet those people but then there is always one side that is less interested than the other. So I've made the decision that I will plan activities to do on my own, invite someone to join and if they can't then I carry on and do it anyway. I think if I plan things right there are people who would join me, I just prefer when other people invite not the other way around. It's no longer time to hold back or miss out on things because I might have to do them alone. I need to get my mind in the right place, where being alone or single is not a topic for discussion or for whining about and I can focus on new hobbies and projects.
There is still some unfinished business with Kyle which I plan on giving a big push in the next week. Then I met a new guy online who I will probably be meeting in the near future. Aside from that I can step out of any dating nonsense and refocus on my next steps in my life. I don't want to wait around making all the effort to have a guy, it should be the other way around. I need to stop holding on to guys not willing to make the effort to have me apart of their life. I want someone who wants me and wants to make the effort, it's as simple as that!
And so for now I'm going to let go and redirect my energies to other positive interests and try to live the fulfilled life!
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