Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Next date
I went down yesterday to Tillamook to hang out with Si. He made me dinner and even let me watch my favorite dancing show. He appreciates the support I give him emotionally while he is dealing with some family drama. I've realized that he is passionate about his family and can get very upset and defensive related to them. It's funny sometimes when he looks at me I can tell he is overwhelmed with us and how he feels. This brings me to the concern that I still can't feel anything and it frustrates me. I know I was broken but I keep hoping this will be how I heal. I know I love him and our relationship but I don't feel that love yet. I can't decide if I'm still working on being whole or its never coming, the later worries me. I am with a man for the first time that thinks I am the world and will do anything for me. Before I left last night it was a full moon and we stood outside and he sang the 'moon song' to me, followed by another sweet song. I am a lucky girl, I just wish my brain and emotions could get on the same page. I do not want my lack of feeling to mess this up. I still have concerns about certain areas but this goes back to no one being perfect. This man loves and adores me and that is a first in my lifetime. The fact that the emotional is not there has had its perks as I am very open and clear to reality, no rose colored glasses where I overlook important factors, but the emotional is crucial. There will be a lot of transition in Si's life in the next few months and I think this will give us ample time to test our relationship, longevity and learn. I seem to assess things too soon in the beginning without letting them have plenty of time to grow and mature. I want to pass 3 months and move into forever and only time will tell. If there was ever a chance, this man is it! I hope that I can always appreciate what I presently have to show him how much he means to me. I have the tendency to pull away and be closed off when I need to be the complete opposite and jump in completely. Hopefully I can try to be my best and find the whole love in our relationship.
My Boyfriend
After that first date with Si things continue to go well. We texted and talked on the phone multiple times a day. We were going to hang out on Tuesday but my parents scheduled opened up to get together to have our weekly ritual of dinner and dancing (our TV show) As my mother was heading out of town I didn't want to miss the opportunity. Si gave me a rain-check as we had planned the entire weekend together. While at my parents he called and wanted to be put on speaker phone to meet the parents. They liked him and this was prior to me having any discussion about him and how our date the week before had gone. Fast forward to Friday he came my way, got the house tour and we went out to sushi for dinner, followed by a movie. It was a great date and I had been looking forward to spending time in person. It's hard to know what things really are when its not in person. We have amazing conversations but nothing beats connecting face to face. Awesome evening and we past a first for me as he told me he loved me and I responded the same. The next day was followed by getting up at 4am and heading out to Scappoose to where his parents live. Went with his mom and dad out on the boat fishing. Got to enjoy the sunrise and reel my first fish. We then went back to his parents to hang out, eat and got to meet 2 of his 3 sisters. He didn't tell me until after we left that spending the day with his family he felt would be the deal breaker. He wasn't sure what I would think and was holding out until then. Lucky for him I was more in love with him after spending time with his family. It opened up a door to see who he really is. People can rarely hide themselves in front of their own family. Such good qualities and its obvious they love each other and have fun together. I got the approval from both parents and now I look forward to him meeting my family. We then came back, he helped me do cut-outs for my lesson and enjoyed hanging out.
Things I love about Josiah: He makes me laugh! We can be having a serious conversation where the topic is tense or heavy and we manage to always lighten the mood. He gets me, somehow even before we met in person he understood me and some of my quirks. He knows I can overthink and puts up with it and reminds me to relax. He sings to me, sometimes in public just to embarrass me. He thinks I'm the most beautiful, sexy, pretty, wonderful person. He thinks I'm amazing and has me on this pedestal where he wants to be a better person to be at my level. We talk about spiritual things, life stuff, we've prayed together, we act and talk like good friends and yet are more than just that. We come from opposite sides but he put it best that even though we are so different we are completely the same mentally on how we think and there is a lot to be said for that. We don't talk our religious views but we think the same on the main spiritual points that are most important. I should say he is in no way perfect, he's done things, been a little wild and still rough around the edges but he wants to try to be his best for me and I hope that I can lift him higher. Our imperfects our perfect together, we make a good team. He's in transition for now and is happy I'm willing to be patient and stick around. I think with time we will figure out the future of our lives together.
I've had a lot of time to think about things, the pros and cons, and I think I could see myself spending my life with him. He's a big kid and a lot like my brother which is a good thing. He doesn't take things too seriously and is way more relaxed than myself. I love that he verbally says so many kind things to me, I always feel special in his eyes.
Things I love about Josiah: He makes me laugh! We can be having a serious conversation where the topic is tense or heavy and we manage to always lighten the mood. He gets me, somehow even before we met in person he understood me and some of my quirks. He knows I can overthink and puts up with it and reminds me to relax. He sings to me, sometimes in public just to embarrass me. He thinks I'm the most beautiful, sexy, pretty, wonderful person. He thinks I'm amazing and has me on this pedestal where he wants to be a better person to be at my level. We talk about spiritual things, life stuff, we've prayed together, we act and talk like good friends and yet are more than just that. We come from opposite sides but he put it best that even though we are so different we are completely the same mentally on how we think and there is a lot to be said for that. We don't talk our religious views but we think the same on the main spiritual points that are most important. I should say he is in no way perfect, he's done things, been a little wild and still rough around the edges but he wants to try to be his best for me and I hope that I can lift him higher. Our imperfects our perfect together, we make a good team. He's in transition for now and is happy I'm willing to be patient and stick around. I think with time we will figure out the future of our lives together.
I've had a lot of time to think about things, the pros and cons, and I think I could see myself spending my life with him. He's a big kid and a lot like my brother which is a good thing. He doesn't take things too seriously and is way more relaxed than myself. I love that he verbally says so many kind things to me, I always feel special in his eyes.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
A Possibility?
Well first I should state that I ended up going out with Kyle. I was shocked he followed through but I went over to his house, got the updated tour and then we saw a movie. I was not sure how this would go and was incredibly nervous. But it seemed like how it always is, he didn't even pay for my movie so this could not even be considered a date, so we will call it friends hanging out. Which I should say made everything easier as there is nothing to discuss or hash over. Two friends caught up and saw a funny movie and nothing else. I knew I was meeting someone new Saturday and wasn't sure I wanted to throw Kyle in the mix, but it was the closure needed to know that there is not a second act for us and I can walk away completely.
On to Saturday's date. First I should start by saying Josiah and I have been talking for weeks via email, text and phone calls. It's a little hard when you know someone so well prior to meeting them for the first time because it sets up expectations. I knew exactly where he was coming from but I was unsure. Until I meet someone I cannot make to full assessment of what I think. I started stressing before heading down to meet him hoping that I would like him because I knew he liked me. Thank goodness the attraction was there. We drove a ways and hiked down to the river to fish. Didn't catch anything but it was more the experience and getting to spend time together. As luck would have it there was wind, thunder and rain. The weather could not have been more perfect. I'm happy to say I was well kissed in the rain! We headed back and he cooked me a great Chinook dinner. We talked, stared at each other and got to know each other better. It was a really great date.
I'll admit having a guy crazy about me has me freaked out. I was all in my new world of open-minded and being relaxed and for some reason I lost all of that. For two people who have only had one date I know more about him that most people. He was very open about himself and his past and the judgemental part of me is up in arms as to why this won't work. How dare I be so severe! I have met a guy crazy over me and willing to do anything to secure my happiness and love and I'm worrying about past things. Now is the fun parts where you just spend time together learning to connect and getting to know each other. I should not think or worry about anything. He has been insanely patient waiting for me to realize I can let myself feel and to stop being ridiculous about silly things. He does not fit my 'perfect' mold of a person and I'm fighting past decisions he has made. But who is to say that he is not looking for something different in his life and I could be that person to make him want to be better. I can't change anyone, you can only change yourself, but perhaps with the right direction it could be amazing. Anyone has the potential to be better and improve the person they are. Why I am holding back due to fear of his past or fear of feeling again is crazy, now is the time to discover and test the waters and see what could happen. He won't backdown and so I need to find that box locked deep within and figure out how to allow my feelings and emotions to release themselves and retrain how to connect with a man again.
He and I are from two very different worlds in ways we grew up and interests and yet we seem to have found commonalities in the middle of all that. I'm holding back and stressing out and need to let go of my control and just let things happen. This will be a relationship and only time will prove what the outcome will be. I said I wanted a summer fling and its here in front of me, although he wants a lifetime, we will see if that is where this continues to. He pointed out that he is just waiting for me to dive in and that he could not be more obvious of what is right in front of me. A potential relationship has fallen in my lap and it is up to me to grab it, mend my heart and step into the next adventure.
On to Saturday's date. First I should start by saying Josiah and I have been talking for weeks via email, text and phone calls. It's a little hard when you know someone so well prior to meeting them for the first time because it sets up expectations. I knew exactly where he was coming from but I was unsure. Until I meet someone I cannot make to full assessment of what I think. I started stressing before heading down to meet him hoping that I would like him because I knew he liked me. Thank goodness the attraction was there. We drove a ways and hiked down to the river to fish. Didn't catch anything but it was more the experience and getting to spend time together. As luck would have it there was wind, thunder and rain. The weather could not have been more perfect. I'm happy to say I was well kissed in the rain! We headed back and he cooked me a great Chinook dinner. We talked, stared at each other and got to know each other better. It was a really great date.
I'll admit having a guy crazy about me has me freaked out. I was all in my new world of open-minded and being relaxed and for some reason I lost all of that. For two people who have only had one date I know more about him that most people. He was very open about himself and his past and the judgemental part of me is up in arms as to why this won't work. How dare I be so severe! I have met a guy crazy over me and willing to do anything to secure my happiness and love and I'm worrying about past things. Now is the fun parts where you just spend time together learning to connect and getting to know each other. I should not think or worry about anything. He has been insanely patient waiting for me to realize I can let myself feel and to stop being ridiculous about silly things. He does not fit my 'perfect' mold of a person and I'm fighting past decisions he has made. But who is to say that he is not looking for something different in his life and I could be that person to make him want to be better. I can't change anyone, you can only change yourself, but perhaps with the right direction it could be amazing. Anyone has the potential to be better and improve the person they are. Why I am holding back due to fear of his past or fear of feeling again is crazy, now is the time to discover and test the waters and see what could happen. He won't backdown and so I need to find that box locked deep within and figure out how to allow my feelings and emotions to release themselves and retrain how to connect with a man again.
He and I are from two very different worlds in ways we grew up and interests and yet we seem to have found commonalities in the middle of all that. I'm holding back and stressing out and need to let go of my control and just let things happen. This will be a relationship and only time will prove what the outcome will be. I said I wanted a summer fling and its here in front of me, although he wants a lifetime, we will see if that is where this continues to. He pointed out that he is just waiting for me to dive in and that he could not be more obvious of what is right in front of me. A potential relationship has fallen in my lap and it is up to me to grab it, mend my heart and step into the next adventure.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Really?
Quick update, James and I went out to a movie and have plans this week for dinner. He's really nice and easy to talk to but I think we are good as just friends, hopefully that will be ok with him. I am proud to say that I finally had the talk with Jeff to make sure he is clear that I enjoy hanging out but only as friends. He was ok with that and we have hung out several times since.
A random distraction has occurred. I have mentally been in a great place and ok with the life I have, even that it's single. I got a surprise text from Kyle that included asking me out and that 'I'm not gonna lie, I've missed ya." Just a bit surprising. I haven't seen him in over 6 months and now he wants to hangs out and misses me, I'm not sure what to do. First we'll see if he follows through and we actually get to hang out and I'm curious to see what it's like being in person again. The only problem is that this has thrown me completely out of my perfectly happy place. I've been remembering all of our time together good and bad. I want to go in as a clean state and start back at the beginning, but the longer I wait the more I remember how destroyed I was and have never fully recovered. Other than new Kyle I have been unable to have any feelings towards guys and even he proved to be hurtful. I don't know if I can try again with Kyle even though he is the one person I truely loved and wanted to share the rest of my life with. He broke me and not sure even if he could fix that. Honestly I have been more concern as to what his motives are. Is he just lonely and wants someone to hang out with, hook up with or fill in the lonely parts of his life. Or does he truely miss me and what we had and willing to try again. The ball is in his court and he will have to make the move and effort if he wants me back. But I cannot play games, not going to have a Brett situation again. I can't be just friends with Kyle, too much history. Either we try dating again or nothing. This has wrecked my brain and I'm trying so hard to let it go and get back to the right mind. I do need to vent. How dare he! I know he is unaware of the mess he left me in and but how dare he destroy the happy place I was in. I'm still struggling to find my way back to it, but now the hope and possibility that we could have another go has opened up a pathway for that thought. Until it plays itself out I can't ignore the idea or the feelings that are coming up. Funny enough I feel angry most of all. Even looking at pictures he posts makes me feel all the hurt and even anxiety I felt a year ago. Apparently even after a year I am extremely affected by Kyle even though I thought I was over him. Sadly I would give anything for another chance, which I think makes me mad I can't just brush it off and say he has no chance so I don't care. I do care but I can't get hurt again by him. I want to go in clean slate but there are a lot of emotions bottled up over this and I don't think I can forget all of that. I wonder if boys know that by one text message they can cause chaos that was not there before. Hanging out would have been one thing, but that I'm missed is another and I can't let it go.
I've tried to go back to the things I was working on, like Chad. The opportunity has not come but I'm hoping soon and he is who I choose and want to get to spent time with and get to know better. I see him weekly and hope that there is an opportunity there to see what happens.
Also I still email several people on Match and am meeting someone new this coming weekend. Josiah seems really nice, we text, talk on the phone and are going to spend the entire day together at the Tillamook Fair. I will be helping him take picture while we are there for his job and I think that a active and public date will be fun. He seems fun so it will be a good time, as for anything past that I'm not sure we are in the same places in life. But it will be a fun date and that's what counts.
In regards to that comment I have to say I'm looking for a relationship/marriage and I would like to meet someone I could connect with on all dimensions and levels and is looking for the same thing. So far that has yet to happen (aside from Kyle) which is probably why I'm willing to keep hope in that because he is the only real mutual relationship I have ever been in but it ended so that says something too. I'm happy with my life but I would so love to have someone to share with in the journey. I meet nice guys all the time, they just aren't the right one yet. The next week or so should prove to be interesting as lots of things are happening and could go many directions. Guess nothing can stay the same and there will always be something to change everything all over again.
A random distraction has occurred. I have mentally been in a great place and ok with the life I have, even that it's single. I got a surprise text from Kyle that included asking me out and that 'I'm not gonna lie, I've missed ya." Just a bit surprising. I haven't seen him in over 6 months and now he wants to hangs out and misses me, I'm not sure what to do. First we'll see if he follows through and we actually get to hang out and I'm curious to see what it's like being in person again. The only problem is that this has thrown me completely out of my perfectly happy place. I've been remembering all of our time together good and bad. I want to go in as a clean state and start back at the beginning, but the longer I wait the more I remember how destroyed I was and have never fully recovered. Other than new Kyle I have been unable to have any feelings towards guys and even he proved to be hurtful. I don't know if I can try again with Kyle even though he is the one person I truely loved and wanted to share the rest of my life with. He broke me and not sure even if he could fix that. Honestly I have been more concern as to what his motives are. Is he just lonely and wants someone to hang out with, hook up with or fill in the lonely parts of his life. Or does he truely miss me and what we had and willing to try again. The ball is in his court and he will have to make the move and effort if he wants me back. But I cannot play games, not going to have a Brett situation again. I can't be just friends with Kyle, too much history. Either we try dating again or nothing. This has wrecked my brain and I'm trying so hard to let it go and get back to the right mind. I do need to vent. How dare he! I know he is unaware of the mess he left me in and but how dare he destroy the happy place I was in. I'm still struggling to find my way back to it, but now the hope and possibility that we could have another go has opened up a pathway for that thought. Until it plays itself out I can't ignore the idea or the feelings that are coming up. Funny enough I feel angry most of all. Even looking at pictures he posts makes me feel all the hurt and even anxiety I felt a year ago. Apparently even after a year I am extremely affected by Kyle even though I thought I was over him. Sadly I would give anything for another chance, which I think makes me mad I can't just brush it off and say he has no chance so I don't care. I do care but I can't get hurt again by him. I want to go in clean slate but there are a lot of emotions bottled up over this and I don't think I can forget all of that. I wonder if boys know that by one text message they can cause chaos that was not there before. Hanging out would have been one thing, but that I'm missed is another and I can't let it go.
I've tried to go back to the things I was working on, like Chad. The opportunity has not come but I'm hoping soon and he is who I choose and want to get to spent time with and get to know better. I see him weekly and hope that there is an opportunity there to see what happens.
Also I still email several people on Match and am meeting someone new this coming weekend. Josiah seems really nice, we text, talk on the phone and are going to spend the entire day together at the Tillamook Fair. I will be helping him take picture while we are there for his job and I think that a active and public date will be fun. He seems fun so it will be a good time, as for anything past that I'm not sure we are in the same places in life. But it will be a fun date and that's what counts.
In regards to that comment I have to say I'm looking for a relationship/marriage and I would like to meet someone I could connect with on all dimensions and levels and is looking for the same thing. So far that has yet to happen (aside from Kyle) which is probably why I'm willing to keep hope in that because he is the only real mutual relationship I have ever been in but it ended so that says something too. I'm happy with my life but I would so love to have someone to share with in the journey. I meet nice guys all the time, they just aren't the right one yet. The next week or so should prove to be interesting as lots of things are happening and could go many directions. Guess nothing can stay the same and there will always be something to change everything all over again.
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