New Thought

I've decided I'm more of a pessimist when it comes to my life.  And I seem to focus more on the negative and things I don't have.  But I realize that I'm overlooking all the awesome things I have in my life.  Example:  I still can't seem to get over Kyle and I think it might be part that he was the real deal and who I thought I had a future with and he made promises to make me think that.  Its put me in a place where even the really good, nice guys can hurt, lie and aren't to be trusted. (I know my heart can't take being broken again)  This being said I still talk to people on Match.com and meet them in hopes that somehow there is an even better guy out there for me, who is the right one.  Last weekend I was suppose to go a first date with a guy I'd been emailing that I was really interested in getting to know better.  After a drive into Portland and waiting at a wine bar, he never showed and I was stood up.  This was followed by him not returning my emails and blocking his profile.  This was the last straw for me and I took it as a sign that for now I need to stop dating as its just making everything even that much harder to deal with in my life.  I put myself out there time and again and each time it blows up in my face leaving another scar.  I feel its time I step back, stop dating, only look for friends and hope that someone will find me instead.

So thats the sad stuff and sometimes my heart physically hurts from the emotional pain thats been caused.  Kyle has left me broken in a way I didn't think could be possible.  Add this to the lack of success I'm having with dating it all seems hopeless.  Yet somehow I'm still willing to keep causing pain in hopes of finding the right one.  I hate that all this pain and sorrow affects so much of how I perceive my life and the success of it.

But here is the flip side.  When I look at the positive blessings I have in my life it sometimes shocks me.  I have a job and coworkers I love.  Coming to work is enjoyable and gives me the structure I need.  I workout 5 days a week and am addicted to it.  I get to see Aimee almost everyday to workout and I've known her since the beginning of the Joe days so she knows all my baggage lol.  We help motivate and boost each other when we need it.  Then there is Mitzi and of course Kacie (even though she is far away - we talk, facetime and are there for each other always)  I have these 3 amazing girl friends who have supported me through every up and down of guys and life.  I realize that when I spend time with them I really am happy and can be myself.  Then I think why don't I fill my time more with the people who really love me? Then I have a great family.  Regardless of ups and downs with mom and dad, I enjoy that we live close and can hang out.  I live in a location and state I love.  Best yet I'm about to become a home owner and make Oregon my permanent home.  Buying this house feels so right that the entire process has been smooth and down right easy.  Not sure the last time I felt this good about a decision much less one of the biggest ones I will make in my life.  I needed change and this is a great choice.  No more following guys to their locations, or waiting to marry someone to own a house.  I love it here and now I get to stay on my terms.  Plus I've done the entire process by myself.  Mom and dad only knew I was thinking about it until Tuesday when I dropped the ball it was official and the loan was in process.  I feel I'm finally making ALL my decisions myself and its a really good feeling, finally an adult 100%.

Ok that was a long few paragraphs, but here's the summary of it.  There's a part of my life that is completely not to my liking and affects me physically and emotionally in ways that sometimes I don't know what's the point of going on.  But on the other hand I have more than enough to be grateful for and add to for a good and happy life.  I will say its one or the other.  Miserable or happy.  I can't focus on the good in my life while thinking and worrying about being single.  Which is why I have to stop dating.  I'll have a few really great days where I am happy with everything in my life and could go on every day that way.  Then I'll receive a text or my mind will bring up memories and all the good ceases to have ever existed.  Its a fine line I'm still trying to find the balance to stay on the happier side of things.

My favorite quote:  "We must let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  I love this because I think everyone assumes their life will be a certain way and then miss out on the all the good stuff by not recognizing that letting go of expectations and just living, life will become the one we really want.

Why?

Quick catch up.  I went out with Jon a few more times but could not ever really be completely into him.  He is a great guy, fun to hang with but I just don't feel enough to continue.  It would be one thing if we hung out just as friends but with kissing involved that made things more serious.  I think he might wondered but we only texted maybe once a week before we hung out so it was an easy transition.  Jeff stills pops up occasionally to hang out.  He is nice to spend time with but I can tell he likes me more than a friend and I'm just not interested in him that way.  As long as we can just stay as friends I'm still open to hanging out.  Also Karl will text every so often to say hi.

On other news Zack got married yesterday, Kyle will not return my calls and Brett has become busy with wrestling and his girlfriend.  All my exs have left me and moved on, why can't I?  I still talk to guys on match.com and that keeps my mind occupied.  I went on a date yesterday with a guy I was interested in but not sure what happened because he stood me up.  He had confirmed our date which makes me think something happened to cause the no show.  But because there were so many things on my mind it just added fuel to my anger.  I feel that I keep trying and yet it blows up in my face over and over again.  I am broken from Kyle and trying to repair and move on but every guy after does not add up to him and then disappoints in some way.  Not sure with that how I'll ever recover.

If I could I would love to stamp out that last piece of hope I have over finding someone.  I think it would be so much easier to completely give up and move on.  But somehow I'll meet someone online and I get the slightest hope that just maybe this one could be it.  So even when I try it seems impossible to let if go completely.  With all that being said I am trying to move on to other changes in my life including buying a house.  I plan on marrying my house and letting it take top priority in my life.  Something to help give me a new focus.

Residual Feelings

With this issue of not being able to feeling I'm frustrated with things.  Recently I am now feeling anger, hurt and pain regarding Kyle that apparently I had not let myself feel before.  I try to remember to be mature and know that what's meant to be will be and that the right person for me is out there and will work out when the time is right.

I had another date with Jon and as always it was great.  We went to dinner and were there for hours just talking, he is so easy to be open with and say anything.  I feel completely myself.  This was the first time I  began to feel something and want to take another step further.  Maybe slow and steady is the best approach for me.  Part of me wants to let go a little bit and allow myself to open up emotionally to Jon.  I like the idea but then I completely panic that I can't allow myself to get hurt again and letting go leaves me open to either getting too emotionally or physically involved.  Part of me wants to let go completely of any hopes of Kyle and move on to other things and part of me thinks we can work out.  It's making it very difficult to decide how to proceed from here.  Gone are the days of dating just for fun and not caring, I just can't stay uninvolved like before.  I'm too old for silly games.  I thought I was about to start a new life and move into a new chapter.  It is hard to step back into single and not knowing when it will ever happen.  I would love to have a domestic life as a wife where I can shine as my best self where I am in my element.  But for now I am back to being myself in a single, social world.

I am feeling the need for a change, whether its where I live, social, friends, or dating.  I just want something to be different in my life.  Relationships seem to bring too much drama from me so I rather a change come from other areas in my life.  I believe I want to give Jon a full chance but I'm still not sure I am ready.  Only time will tell....

I don't feel anything.....

As I slowly weed out dates to find those I am most compatible and connected with I have hit a wall.  I like Jon the best of everyone and would like to give that a chance.  The problem is I don't feel anything for anyone.  This has never happened before.  Even if I am really smitten with one guy I still can have feelings for other guys.  Apparently that is no longer the case.  I've gone back and forth is it just that I'm not that into these guys or something more.  I don't feel anything, not butterflies, excitement, or even extreme liking.  I know I like Jon but thats it, physical or not I have no emotional feelings regarding him or anybody else.  I think I still have strong feelings for Kyle and its holding me back.  With all the attention I'm getting lately I still wish it was Kyle calling or texting me each time. I'm waiting patiently for him to get his life back in order so that we can spend some time together reconnecting to see if there is any potential left.  Until then I'm struggling to feel.  One reason could be Kyle but I also worry its another one.  I never want to be with another guy, marriage only this time.  Distance physically from men will help keep me out of trouble.  And with all the mature changes I've made in my life this decision might cause some issues.  I emotionally don't feel; either to protect myself from being hurt, from getting too involved or because I still love Kyle.  Regardless of the reason I've never been like this before and I'm not sure how to proceed.  I've always liked boys and had so many emotions involved and now nothing.  It's like starting things from stratch but hopefully this will be a good place to start the next chapter in my life!

More Dates

So my date with Jon went really well.  I met him for dinner and we talked for hours until it was late.  We made plans to met up again that weekend.  Several days later we went out to dinner followed by minature golf in the dark.  Again conversation was just so easy and I completely feel like myself.  Jon hinted at interest on our second date and even kissed my goodnight!  We made plans for the coming Monday where I went over to his house and we watched a movie.  I like him and very much enjoy getting to talk to him.

I should add that same weekend and I had a few more dates.  Prior to my date with Jon and spent the entire day with Ryan and two of his friends boating the Willamette.  That was a first for me and his friends girl he brought was super cool.  I must say I always enjoy meeting new people, especially really cool and interesting women.  We ran all along side Portland, had lunch on a sandy spot then chilled in the sun.  Other than a little mishap with the boat breaking down it was a really fun time.  Ryan acts super interested and I'm not sure what I think.  As I friend he is awesome with lots of hobbies and interests and friends that I would like to be a part of, just not sure I want to be anything more than that.

Sunday I met Jeff for the first time.  I drove out to his parents property and we did a little shooting with his siblings and then enjoyed dinner with most of his family.  An unconventional date for sure, but very fun.  His family was amazing, so much so I'd love to be included with them.  Because we were never alone I didn't get to really ask Jeff questions and get to know him better but we talked about hanging out again and maybe hiking which would give the opportunity to connect.

In all this time going on dates, as much as it consumes my time every one of them has been very enjoyable.  It is fun to do lots of activities with an array of personalities.  Each person brings out sides of me and helps to understand myself better.  Thankfully I went on vacation soon after all these dates to get a well needed break.  While I was away I realized that maybe I don't want to be doing so much dating as too many guys are interested in being more than friends and I can't keep that balanced.  Also I've been struggling with my feelings regarding Kyle, I still want to be with him even with all these new prospects.  Dating causes me to miss him more and I can't help but wish for how things used to be.  And yet I think that all the back to back dating has let me practice all my new skills and I'm more open and vocal than ever before.  I definitely needed the practice.

While I was gone each guy lightly kept in touch and said they wanted to hang out once I returned.  When I got back I reclaimed my personal time and have decided that weekdays are for me and weekends for available for dates to help keep things balanced.  I wanted to be open with each guy that I was not ready for any serious and just wanted to keep things casual and fun.  First person to have an issue was Karl who asked if I was seeing other people, did not take it well and wanted me to be his only.  We went back and forth and I'm not wanting to start something with someone unless I am really feeling it and with Karl we didn't get enough time to get to know each other and he was moving faster than I was ready.

Ryan took me out for a motorcycle ride which was amazing, I so miss that.  We had a nice time and then went to have dinner where I told him I was not ready to be serious with anyone, that I enjoyed hanging out but was still seeing other people.  He seemed fine with it and the night continued.  4 bars, clubbing and adding people to the group it turned into a crazy late night.  He then changed his tune to not feeling he knew the real me, to wanting to be my number one person, etc.  Not the night I wanted and kind of ruined the nice beginning.  He does not have the same kind of lifestyle and I am not wanting to be in an environment thats not me.  Its fun once in a while to do something different and out of the box, but I think Ryan and I are just too different and I feel pressure to want and be something I'm not.  Maybe if we can get to more friends only we can continue to spend time together doing fun activities, if not things might be to there end.

The next day I had a completely opposite date with Jon.  We played disc golf in a park then dinner and movie at his house.  I am still surprised at how easy he is to talk to.  We never run out of topics, nothing is held back and I feel relaxed to just be me.  My dates with Jon are what I had wished my dating life had been like when I was younger.  He is sweet, fun and respectful.  We don't talk or text much outside of when we are hanging out and I think that makes it better.  We have real communication and a connection.  I look forward to the next time we hangout.  But then I am having some setbacks to all the this....

Starting Over - Dating

With the devastating end of a magical relationship I realize that I can either be sad about something that is over or move on and dive back into the dating pool.  I figure this time why not go in head first.  I rejoined Match.com and it has been a crazy 2 weeks.  Part of me feels I should write a post for each guy but as there are so many I'm going to combine them all.

As I returned to Match I began with the usual emails which turn to texting which turns into 1st dates.  I'm going on a new date almost every night.  I can't complain as my social life has definitely taken a boost.  There are plenty of guys I email but I want to focus on the ones I actually meet in person when it comes to sharing.  We begin with Luke, a very pretty guy with a good job, lots of money and plenty of things to show for it.  I enjoyed our date as a happy hour dinner and conversation.  He was very easy to talk to and called me out, which was fun because it allowed me to be myself and not care what he thought.  We had lots to talk about and figured that it had the potenial for another date in the future.  Granted after that date he got a little weird, moody and slightly pervy which I thought took away from our fun time.  But in other news I met up with him again 5 days after our first date as he wanted to introduce me to another guy he thought I might like.  I will say I've never had a date try to pine me off to another person but you never know what new introductions can turn into.  Also since meeting that guy, all conversation with Luke ended which I'll take as a not interested, which is ok because he was too flamboyant for my taste.

With that I'll lead into Ryan the guy Luke introduced me to at a random party in Portland.  Ryan is a nice, fun guy with lots of hobbies/toys to enjoy.  We went out on a real date a few days after being introduced.  He's not a Match date so that made things different.  Very relaxed, open guy who understands life is about improving, self awareness and working on being better.  He was familiar with my religion so that makes things go a little easier.  Again I enjoy going on dates where I feel there is no judgement and I can be open about myself and my life, good parts and bad.  He shows definite interest and has already begun a list of things we can do together.  I think he will make a fun, outgoing guy to spend time with.

Next is Karl the military guy, which is a first for me.  We have now hung out three times.  He texts me all day and we are in good contact.  Our first date was great because we were able to talk as the next two dates have been more relax and cuddle, not talk.  I'm worried we don't have a connection ecause without good conversation its hard to create a bond with someone.  But I know he is interested in me and I'm open to seeing how things go.

Tonight I will be meeting Jon and we shall see what he is like.

I realize that with dating so many people so close together that I can't get too focused on one person which lets me be more relaxed in my thoughts.  Because there is always a new person to look forward to that could have potential I can be myself and not get concerned with things that may happen in the future.  Everything is very present and just a good time.  I'm still struggling with the mindset of wanting to be in a committed relationship rather than dating.  But I didn't get this experience in my 20s and there is no better time than the present to learn some new dating skills and learn about myself in the process.

I should mention that I still struggle with missing and wanting Kyle back in my life.  He was a different kind of guy than anyone I've ever met and we were so much alike it gave us a strong connection from the start.  All this dating is suppose to help me get past him, but sometimes I feel it just makes me want what we had even more as guys don't live up to him.  Still going back and forth and trying to look beyond, that putting myself out there so strong will pay off in the end for me.  I've given up my control and know that the universe will bring me what I want and the right one at that. I just have to be open for it.

For now I will have as many experiences as I can with dating, so watch out because here I come!

It's Over

After a month and a half of not seeing Kyle we finally got together so I could see the house finished.  I was so nervous to see him and I didn't know what the outcome would be.  The house looked amazing, changed from when I was there.  He at least hugged and gave me a kiss when I came in.  We sat out on the deck while he made himself dinner.  I did most of the talking about all the exciting discoveries I had made about myself and how happy I was.  Kyle said hardly anything even when I pressed him with questions.  I should mention that he had only found out 2 weeks prior that he was being let go from his job, another stressor.  He just wasn't himself, hardly talking, quite grouchy and seem to just not care overall.  When we came back in and sat down on the couch I made a few joke remarks about things I missed, like foot rubs.  Then 5 minutes later he said he was tired, wanted to go to bed and that was it.  He walked me to the door and I realized I had not asked one question regarding where we stood.  As we hugged goodbye I asked if we were going to hang out more often with a response of I don't know, call me if you want to do something.  Not quite the evening I had seen happening and still that left me unknown to the future of our relationship.

After a few more days of feeling way more anxious than I'd like to, I realized I needed to just tell Kyle what I feel and want.  I had pushed to hang out for the weekend but he was busy.  Another few days of thinking and I wrote up exactly what I wanted to say.  Nothing pushy or accusing, just that I thought now with the projects over and time apart that I thought we could now give our relationship another chance.  That I've made some good changes in my own life and ready and wanting to be together.  I left it as a voicemail since he didn't answer, got a text that he was busy and would talk to be later.  2 days later he finally called me.  The conversation was light-hearted and we talked about what we were up to.  He then addressed my voicemail and said that we were broken up.  I've waited 2 months for him to just define what we are.  I told him thats what I've wanted to know.  But I was irked that after I had asked hundreds of times during those two days what are we and he would not answer, said he didn't know and didn't want to label and put a definite end to this.  Apparently he changed his mind and already had us as broken up, would have been nice to know that.  He said he still wanted to be friends, but did not want me to hold out any hope that even a year from now we would get back together.  He also didn't think someone could change that fast to which I had to make him understand that I am still the same to most people but have changed inwardly and now see myself more clearly and in a better light.  It was all an internal change of awareness, but he just doesn't seem to understand.  I have gone back and forth about this and decided that I have to look at the bigger picture.

With my newfound understanding and respecting myself more I realize that I deserve better, someone who will stick through the hard times and give second chances.  Things got difficult in Kyle's life and I became insecure and we stopped communicating.  Then I started to make changes to my habits and Kyle's life just got more stressful and he gave up.  He gave up on me and our relationship.  He changed from the person I met as did I and yet would not give us time to adapt to life changes and get closer.

I want someone who will fight for me, understand me, help me to be my best and stick through the tough times.  Kyle just stopped trying and I don't want that.  I'm bombarded with memories that pull at my emotions but I know that eventually things will get easier and the feelings will find there proper place and move on.  There is still a part of me that hopes there might be a possibility in the future for us.  If it is meant to be, the universe will make it happen.  If not Kyle there is someone even better suited for me that will complete my life who will have been worth the wait.

I'm still deciding how I want to proceed regarding Kyle. Do I push to be friends and hang out together, or do I just walk away?  It is his loss that he would have to fight to get back but I think with trying to find a job that is his only focus.  He might be lost for a long time and I need someone who is able to support me and have the ability to work on a relationship and right now he can selfishly be just about himself and his problems.  Obviously not good timing for us.  Kyle was the first time I was with an amazing guy who was what I had been looking for.  Now I know it does exist and to not settle for less and to keep trying.

My next step is to get back into the dating pool.  It will help me move past Kyle and give me opportunities to meet someone again.  Part of my wants to hold back and wait for Kyle but that is unfair to me, so I must move on.  I was happy with Match.com so I'm going to try again and test out their night out option to meet people in a more natural way.  Guess the dating dialog will being again.....

Some thoughts on the situation

I have had a lot more time to myself now that Kyle and I are on a break and it has given me time to reflect on our relationship and where to go from here.  First I think the way I reacted when he came home and gave me the bad news might have not been what he expected to happen.  Perhaps we should have just gone to bed or I could have gone home for the night and we could have discussed things the next day.  Obviously I can't take it back but I think things could have gone differently.  I think it was time we got some space apart. He has a bunch of projects that require his time and focus and I am working on myself.  Upon reading some other literature I also think we are going through the normal process in a relationship, it just got blown up more than I would have liked.  I believe there is great hope for Kyle and I and that with time and effort we can try again and make this work.

When we talk we sound like our usual selves.  I have really seen changes in my life regarding being less people pleasing, standing up for myself and not letting the opinions or what other people think affect me.  I feel stronger and more confident.  I know I will be seeing Kyle once the floors are done and I hope that we can start where we left off.  But it will be time to have the talk and give things a second chance or really end things.  I have hope that we are meant to be and with work we can be stronger than ever.

Disaster then the Light

While we were both on vacation we talked almost every night and towards the end I was feeling better and really looking forward to seeing him and working on my communication.  I picked him up from the airport, we drove home and then he said he wanted to talk and that I wasn't going to like it.  This started a long talk including him thinking my religion would tear us and my family apart, that he wasn't in love with me and thought by now he should be, that we aren't communicating and that he felt he had hit a wall.  I remained calm through most of the conversation trying to talk through things, but eventually it hit me and it was too much.  I lost it....and then some.  I didn't know what to do as I felt he was breaking up with me and my heart was shattered.  He left the room and I went and started packing all the things I had in the house, while crying hysterically.  He had the same sick look on his face and just kept saying I don't know to everything I said.  I asked if we were ending it, taking a break, being just friends and he had no answer which just made things worse.  He hugged me and I pleaded but he remained unknown.  He helped me pack my car and kissed me goodbye saying he still wanted to see and talk with me.  By now I wasn't hearing anything but that this was the end.  It was the darkest night of my life where I thought I would not survive without him.  The next day I asked to meet him to talk and read him pages of my very thought out thoughts I had worked on to express how I felt about many of his concerns.  He still did not know what he wanted or where we stood.  He didn't want to set times apart or give hope or no hope.  I've never been more confused as it just left things still completely unknown.  We talked for 2 hours and towards the end we sounded more like us.  He said it felt weird refering to how normal everything felt and we left with our future unknown.

I have been devastated but realized through our last conversation that I needed to find myself, figure out what I want in my life and be more open.  None of this is new to me as I've known there are things I still need to work on.  I turned to a book I had read before relating to people pleasers and there I found my answer.  All my issues are related to having adult anxious attachment, or nice girl syndrome.  It was an eye opener and I read, highlighted and made notes to help me be more aware and find myself.  Funny enough with all the anxiety and sadness due to break from Kyle I found myself feeling that I would be ok no matter the outcome.  I really hoped he would call me but wasn't sure where we stood with things.  Just days later I was catching up and telling Aimee all the exciting new discoveries I was making when I received a call from Kyle.

I think he thought I'd deleted him because he introduced himself.  He asked how I was and I'm sure did not expect the response he got.  Pretty sure he thought I was in a dark hole crying my eyes out, when in reality I was working on bettering myself.  We had a great conversation where I told him all the exciting discoveries I was making about myself.  He then surprised me and asked if I wanted to hang out that weekend.  Wonders never cease.  We have talked several times since but have not yet been able to hang out.  I'm giving him until the end of his dad's visit to do the house floors before I really give the push for him to decide and push giving our relationship another chance.  Hopefully this wakeup call will be the thing that brings us closer together and make us better than ever.  Only time will tell.

Updates and Changes

I had forgotten about this blog and posting how my dating life is going.  I wished I had remembered so I could account for all the changes going on between Kyle and I.  It's not the same to write about things after the fact because the feelings change constantly from each experience.  As a quick catch up, we got the house all put together.  I got to meet Kyle's parents who are amazing and I loved.  Kyle made it official that we are girlfriend/boyfriend becasue I had met the parents and gotten their approval.  After they left things were wonderful.  We continue to work on the house and I have started to bring some things over.  It only took a few weeks but eventually I stopped hiding the things I had in the house.  Mostly I was trying not to over step my bounds and take over the house with my own things.  Kyle on the other hand could not figure out why I didn't just bring things over.  This would be where we differed in how we percieved things.  I've also been buying groceries and we make dinner together.  He grills and I make a mean salad!  We have since had quite a few 'talks' many relating to religion and children that we ae working through finding a compromise that will make everyone happy.  Kyle knows who he is and what he wants, now I need to find out where I stand so that I can say what I want.

I love that Kyle talks about the future with me included.  He calls it 'our' house, we talk about raising kids and he wants my input on the house.  I feel so included that I know I'm important and matter.  Hopefully I can be open with my thoughts and feelings, although sometimes I don't know what I want.  Kyle's birthday is coming up and I can't wait.  I have the night all planned out with dinner and gifts.

The day of Kyle's birthday has arrived.  He had a great day at work where his coworkers made him a cake with his face on it.  I was still working on his second gift and got behind and was late getting to his house.  As usual I got all flustered and apologetic that we were late for our reservation.  Luckily I was able to push it back and once we got there all was well.  I took him to The Melting Pot since he had never been.  Dinner was amazing, I felt so in love and happy and Kyle said it was the best dinner ever and the best birthday he had ever had.  The evening was perfect!  We drove home and I gave him his gifts, the jacket he's been wanting and his family crest I had framed.  He was speakless on the second gift and I knew I had done well.  Truely his best birthday ever followed by lots of love.  He commented how could he top this for my birthday...I could think of something I really want that's sparkly ;)

Time moves on and life settled down.  Our evenings usually consist of dinner, TV and sleep.  There have been a few off days and I'm starting to struggle with being open.  When Kyle seems upset or cranky I worry that things are not good and then panic and don't want to push the issue or talk about more difficult topics.  I have gotten quieter and am afraid to bring things up for fear of losing what I have.  We still sit down and have talks and I'm not sure I'm getting my point across.  Sometimes I need more time to think things over and to figure out what I want, but I don't tell Kyle that.  A week before Kyle leaves for vacation we have a really serious talk where he expresses some of his concerns and I struggle to make sense of things.  He asked where I saw our relationship going and I was unprepared to respond.  I told him that I thought things were great and heading in the right, more serious direction and that I loved him.  This was followed by him saying he wasn't ready to say it and that he had some concerns of me not being open and discussing things about myself and what I want.  He seemed fine by the next day but I felt distressed for the rest of the week and really pulled back.  The morning he left he had back to his old loving self and I thought we were good.

How lucky am I

We are still working on the house, putting everything together and fixing the surprises on the way.  I know it has been a lot of stress for Kyle.  Today will mark the second day in a row that I will not be getting to see him and I'm actually ok about it.  In the past I could never give space or calmly accept space when it occurred.  Apparently being in a loving, secure relationship changes things.  I know that Kyle's focus is on the house and getting it ready especially since his parents are coming, and that I am not first priority.  Best part is I am completely accepting of that and support him in putting all his efforts elsewhere.  I know this is not permanent and eventually everything will calm down, the focus will change and we can go back to quality time together.  In the meantime I'm taking the opportunity to use my free time to catch up on projects and friends so that when the time comes, I too will be ready to give my full attention to Kyle.  I know he worries about my feelings when I'm not getting his full attention and trying to work around my presence in the house, but because we have such open communication I do not worry and know that our relationship is strong and this is just a part of life.  He told me he misses me and goes back and forth on whether he wants me there or not, and that he is trying to get the house ready for us!  Needless to say his needing space to finish the house reflects him wanting everything nice so we can both enjoy it.

I wake up every day to the knowledge that I have met an amazing man who wants to care for me and be by my side in this life's journey.  He adores me and is always concerned for my happiness.  He loves me the way I am and keeps me being my best self.  I have waited my whole life to meet someone like this and wasn't sure he existed.  But here I am with a wonderful man that has made all my dreams come true.  We are equal partners wanting the best for each other.  I did not realize that someone could make you feel so safe, protected, want to try new things and gain confidence through constant support and appreciation.

I have looked at other people and wished I had what they had, but truth be told I have it even better!  I am grateful every day for Kyle and having him in my life.  I want to spend a lifetime appreciating and loving him as he does the same for me.  The possibilities are endless and I look forward to sharing the journey with him.

Moving

Well Kyle finally got the keys to his new house and we spent the weekend moving him in.  I am still in the learning phase of this relationship and have more things to change.  I'm not used to sharing my thoughts and wants openly.  I usually just go with the flow, but I have been informed that I need to speak up and say what's on my mind.  I think I try to keep the peace when really I should be standing up and being more verbal.  I have never been in a secure, equal relationship and there are things I'm only now learning and becoming aware of.  Being apart of this move has been a good test for us.  Learning how to share space and keeping both parties happy and productive has been key.  I've adjusted to not being the main focus and become ok with not helping and just letting him do his own thing, even when I'm present.  He has many times apologized for ignoring or being in a cranky mood, but I don't feel the need for an apology and just enjoy getting to spent time near him.  I also would like to interject how much I appreciate that Kyle kindly and lovingly helps keep me in check.  I need someone to remind me to chill out and relax and he does just that, which keeps me being my best!  I know once things calm down with the house we'll be able to spend more quality one on one time, but until then I am happy with the time I get to spend with him.  I get to meet his parents with weekend and am looking forward to taking another step in this relationship.

1 Month

We have made it to the month anniversary! And some interesting things have transpired in the last week.  We continue to hang out almost everyday.  I'm happy to say I have matured enough to accept that life gets busy and sometimes we just can't hang out and I'm completely ok with that.  The free time allows me to accomplish my own errands and projects and to get personal time.  This is new for me as usually I get clingy and freak out if there is space that it means things are going south.  But with experience and time I realize now that the space apart is just how life works and usually has a more positive affect on a relationship.  I feel bad that I've deserted all my girlfriends but as this has happened to me over the last 10 years I figure its just my turn to be wrapped up completely with someone.  Eventually things will mellow enough that I can start making time for my friends.

Last weekend we hit a big bump.  Had a day off from seeing him then Thursday went great, taking time away seems to make seeing each other that much more special.  But the next day something felt off but I figured maybe I was just giving off a weird vibe (or I was tired), but feeling the distance just made me act weirder.  By Saturday morning things were definitely not good.  With a failed attempt to find a rock quarry to go shooting in the mountains I was upset, too tired and emotionally breaking.  We returned and I thought maybe the day was over since I was definitely not myself and there was a huge gap that I was grasping to fix. Kyle then sat me down and let me know he was feeling disconnected.  I took this as, we are breaking up, and the tears started.  But this man loves me enough to hold me as we talked about what we were feeling and how to make it better.  There were things that were bothering him and I expressed my fears.  It was amazing to openly talk about things and know that we both wanted to make them better.  He headed out and I followed an hour later to continue the plans for the day.  Let me just say that the talk we had has completely changed and made everything even better.  We spent the day hiking and exploring Portland, then enjoyed the evening together.  Sunday he came over and spent an entertaining evening with my parents.  Monday we took a break and then have been working around him moving and all the complications coming with that as we try to fit in time together.  As we have come on a month of dating we are closer than ever!  Open communication is key.  He worries about me and my happiness and I am the same about him.  We are equal partners in this relationship and by always being open to talk about things it just makes us stronger as a couple.  I have let him focus on moving and kept myself entertained and he has appreciated that I am supportive and allow him to put his attention elsewhere for the present.  We continue to express our opinion and concerns and solve the issue.

More Firsts

We spent the entire weekend together.  Went hiking and how great is he; walks on the cliff side, holds my hand and kisses me in public!  I feel special all the time.  We went to dinner with his friends and ran errands all ends to a great day.  The next day was Easter and I made him dinner, dessert and had candy filled eggs with a card.  In response I recieved a massage that was done with a touch of sweetness like I've never had before!  I still ask how did I get this lucky, when really I should be saying I'm a wonderful person who finally found a man deserving of me.  Really I think it goes both ways that we are both blessed to have found each other.

We are finally getting into a routine of daily life and making time for each other.  I see him almost every day and savor every moment we have together.  There are stresses and big things coming up soon that I think will be a good test for us, as well as add to the adventures we can have as a couple.

I officially posted pictures of Kyle and I together and got the reaction I expected.  He posted them on his Facebook page and I felt overjoyed as we obviously look like a couple.  I knew friends on my end would have plenty to say so I independently posted them to my own album.  Eventually when all the shock and excitement dies down it will be easier to link him with me as being in a relationship.  But everyone is happy for me and wants to know more.  I figure keep posting pictures as my way of showing how its going without telling details to too many people.  A first for photos with a guy I like, posting them to my page and letting people publicly know I'm in a relationship are all big things for me but I'm happy to make that step.

I'm in new territory and hope that I can successfully master the ins and outs of a relationship and have a long future ahead of me with Kyle.

How to Say I Love You

Ok so I have never looked a guy in the eye and said I Love You!  I've thought it, whispered it while they sleep or hoped my eyes would have the words written a cross.  But I have never truely said it to someone.  I thought I loved 4 guys in my life and apparently I wasn't really in love with any of them and definitely did not feel any love reciprocated by them.  Now things are different.  Kyle is beyond amazing and by our second date I felt for him like I have never felt for another guy.  I want to tell him so badly how much I love him but I've never said it before and want it to be special.  Also I really want for him to say it first.  Those two things have kept me from shouting on rooftops.  I truely see him and I know he really sees me, and I want him to know just how much I love him.  Yes we say things like, I love your eyes, love the way we get along, love how we connect, love your smile, love how wonderful you are.  Really all those things are like saying I love you already but I want the official one and with the same response.  I've waited because I don't want to say it prematurely in the relationship but it honestly is how I feel for this man and I want him to know how I've waited, hoped and been discouraged that I would never met the right guy and yet here he is before my eyes in the living flesh!  I see him daily, kiss his lips and lay beside him held tightly.  I feel safe, I trust him wholely and I want to live in a world where he is apart of it.  He is tender, kind, sweet, thoughtful, romantic, loving, caring, open, funny, with all the qualities a girl could only dream about. 

Maybe that is where I struggle, I've found what I thought didn't exist and I don't want to hurt what I have.  My mind likes to play tricks on me and make me doubt myself and my relationships and I can be my own worst enemy.  I want this to last forever and want to be the best I can be for Kyle.  My experience being in a relationship is limited.  Most I ever had was 3 months with someone and the last half did not go well.  In my mind I can picture what a relationship should look like but I've never actually had the experience to know how to behave, what to say and how to keep it working.  He has been there and gotten the experience and I am just a naive girl trying not to mess things up on my first time (and hopefully last) being in a relationship.  I hope that he loves me enough to put up with my faults and give me the benefit of the doubt when I screw up.  I suppose any relationship is a learning experience because the person you are with is not someone you have been with before and everyone is different.  Guess only time will tell and I'll just have to stay out of my head and try to be my best.

I'd like to wait to tell him I love him, but I think he should know how I feel up front so my intentions are clear in hoping this relationship lasts a very long time.  I've waited my entire life for someone like Kyle, so why wait any longer to tell him how I feel.  No better time than the present and I should live every day like it could be the last.  Be in the now and enjoy every moment!

Feeling Special

As we get closer to week 2 of me and Kyle all is still wonderful.  We finally had a day where we didn't get to see each other, not my favorite.  Trying to get back into my own routines even though I feel like I never have a enough time to get everything done.  At least last night I got a few hours to myself to try and unwind.  I am so sleep deprived lately I'm worried it's going to become a problem because me without sleep is a scary thing.  I get very in my head, over analyze, and can ruin things just by not thinking clearly.  I already feel I'm not as much myself because I'm tired and apparently have allergies which has had some side effects to how I feel too. I'm hoping this weekend can help get me back on track.

I'm happy to report that Kyle and I still feel like the luckiest people and completely grateful and loving of what we have in each other. He had plans for weekend which I was going to use to get some errands done and instead he cancelled everything in order to spend all his time with me.  I had a slight setback when we became Facebook friends and saw how fun, cute, social, active and popular he was.  Had a moment of he is better than me and how do I deserve him.  An intense workout, time alone and seeing him put all that fear to rest.  It's hard to change worries and fear that have always been confirmed when dating.  I always want things to work out with the person I'm with but then somehow doubt, lies and whatever end a relationship.  Kyle is definitely different and I hope that it continues to be that way and last a lifetime.  He is the most wonderful man I've ever met.  Funny, kind, tender, loving and sees me for the person I am in the best way, I am so lucky!

I look forward to the adventures we can have together, the future is bright!

Happiness

Its been a week and life is going great. The more time I spend with Kyle getting to know him the more I love everything about him. My parents had us over to dinner and this was a first for me. I have never brought a guy over to meet my parents much less after only a week. We even held hands and kissed in front of them definitely lots of firsts for me. I just love all the time I get to spend with him talking and hanging out. We have so much in common it makes things easy. Also the fact that we can talk openly about anything, even the personal things really makes such a difference. I am myself with him, relaxed, open, fun, outgoing and lovable. There is nothing like being with someone who says what they want and talks openly about the future. I feel safe and protected with him, which is very important. I know we have a future together and I am happy enjoying the present.

Making Decisions

I've have concerns about in how I perceive myself. I have always been a person that goes with the flow and many times makes my own rules. I am not extremely strict on some things church related and over the years I have realized that is ok as I am making decisions about my life that I personally choose to live by. That being said I am feeling an extreme amount of pressure from my mother in how I should conduct myself. I come from a family that I love and get along with, but we are not very open when it comes to personal things. Maybe it comes from fear that if I'm open there will be disappointment or that I will get a lot of criticism because of my choices. Mostly the latter and because of that I'm feeling conflict with me, Kyle and my parents. Like I am a child who needs to be told what to do in my life and scolded if I stray from that. I'm 30 years old! I should be making my own decisions regardless if my parents agree or disagree, its my life and I make all the choices and live with the consequences. Yes I know there are things I need to try not to do for the obvious reasons but other things I don't think are that important. I feel that if I told my parents certain choices I make I would never hear the end of it or would be put down that I should be a better example. There is a fine line between what people expect of me that I want to live up to and making my own mind up about what I choose to do. Somehow I think there will be someone let down.

I want to be my own person and normally I am fairly good at doing that but it has taken most of my life to figure that out and then I still want to please my parents. The second one even though in my mind I want to please them I have countless times gone completely against what they want even as I struggle with living up the expectations I think they have for me. There lies the issue of what expectations I have put on myself that I think they have on my too. It's probably all in my head but I need to get a grasp on where I stand with everything as I do not want it to affect my relationship with Kyle. Who by the way loves the person I am with my religion but loves that I make my own choices and decisions.

I have been very open with my parents about my dates with Kyle and the things we talk about, but I think the time is coming to be more personal and private and only give the overview of the date and leave it at that. That really should be my approach with everyone as I do not wish to damage my relationship by being too open with all the details. Privacy is not keeping secrets just keeping information between you and the person you share them with, which can be part of trust as well.

I have met someone I want to share my life with and that means I have to have a trusting bond with them. I have overshared in the past and that needs to change. I just need to be myself and decide what I want from my life, religion and relationships and then stick with my choice. I am a good, kind person who looks out for others and tries to do my best. But I was raised a very specific way and always feel I'm letting people down if I deviate from that upbringing. Problem is I don't hold to everything I grew up with and want to be able to create my own standards without feeling bad they are different from my parents.

Just reading that last sentence makes me think I still need to grow up and be my own person. I've definitely improved but obviously am not completely 100% living to my own expectations.

Someone Special

Lightening has struck.... Before getting to go on our second date Kyle and I could barely contain our excitement about seeing each other again. Longest two days ever! The day before our 2nd date we texted all day followed by two long conversations on the phone just finding out all the other things we have in common! Wednesday finally arrived and he came to pick me up. He was just as wonderful as I had remembered. He had said dinner and it was a surprise we he took me to his home and made me dinner. He informed me that only very special people get made his chicken parmasan and I definitely felt special. Not only did he make dinner, do the clean up, he packed up the leftovers so I could have lunch the next day! Then we spent the rest of evening just talking about each other, family, everything. The joke is that his lips slipped and thats how he kissed me. He's wonderful in every way, especially the important ones. I feel completely grateful to have met such an amazing guy!

It is hard for me to explain it. Kyle sees me, my true self all the way to my soul and loves every bit of me. Thankfully he is as blown away as I am about what has transpired in the last few days as it has never happened to him before either. I had lost all hope and he didn't think someone like me existed. And yet somehow in this big, wide world we found each other and are a perfect fit. I have found Mr. Right for Me and could not be happier. Prayers have been answered!

Now as we have planned every day and all the days after to spend time together we can continue to progress and build on this relationship that hopefully will go all the way to the end. I miss him constantly and look forward to the next time we are together. It has been a long wait with countless failures and pain, all leading up to finding the one that erases everything in the past and shows there is a promising future!

Something New

First Match.com date is a really cute guy named Kyle whose profile I saw and had to send a wink. This was followed by an email from him, then an evening of IM on the website. I gave him my number and the next night we talked for over an hour on the phone. So nice to meet a cute, sweet, attentive guy with who you have some of the more important and quirky things in common. Without hesitation we decided to go out the next day. We met at Starbucks, very safe and public, got hot chocolates then headed to Forest Park for a hike to the Pittock Mansion. Great thing about this date is that it gave a lot of time to talk and get to know each other without other distractions. I played the part of a good listener as he was the more talkative one. We then decided to extend the date some more and head into Portland for "linner", not quite lunch or dinner lol. He was funny, comes from a great family background, works with kids and loves special ed (this was the main selling point). On top of all that we had so many things in common, and not just the usual things but some of the more odd things. He was just as happy as I was to find someone else in the world who liked the stranger things. By the end he expressed a lot of interest along with lots of side hugs, I think to break the touch barrier. So nice to go out on a fun date, with great company and know that they really liked you. We set plans for the next two dates and I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to stay open minded and let things go at there own pace. Again all of dating is just an experiment so the end outcome is never known or decided until to reach it. And if for some reason it doesn't work out, there is an entire site of men waiting for their turn to date me (maybe just a little over confident at the moment lol) Let's let it at hope for a great 2nd date!

A New Avenue

As much as I keep trying to give up online dating for the various good reasons, I still can't completely let it goes as it seems to be the only way of meeting people. But with all the weirdos and failures I have taken a step back to reassess what I should do. The answer....join Match.com lol!

I know what you are thinking, another online dating site but let me explain myself. First it is a different approach as most of the people from Match are not from my church which is where I have been doing most of my online dating. Whether or not people agree with me going outside the realm of dating within my religion, the opportunities have been remarkable. Within 3 days of being a paid member of Match.com I had 6 people asking to meet me, 2 of which were serious enough to recommend actual days and one of the two having already taken me out. Almost everyone I wink or email are people I'm attracted to, within my own age and best yet live in my area. Gone are the days of meeting people online who live nowhere near my state. I now have the option of meeting people soon after being introduced online and because of the close proximity can spend as much or as little time together without the issue of long distance.

It's like the dark cloud of online dating has been lifted and I am now priviledged to have dating options I've never had before. All this time I just assumed that because of the sites I had been using that the days of cute nice guys, who live in your area, with similar interests were gone. In 3 days I've been proven wrong. There have been no creepers, weirdos, dirty old men, etc. Everyone, even those that I am not interested in have been complete gentlemen. Everyone is polite, open, complimentary in an appropriate kind of way, its just so shocking I wish I had made the switch sooner.

The guys on Match that I'm talking to are all in their late 20s, early 30s and looking for a girl to settle down with. They are finished with school, in their careers and own homes. They are done with the pary life and ready to find someone to be serious with. This is exactly what I've been looking for. On the LDS dating sites most of the guys seem to be looking for hook ups, fun and nonsense. They are not seriously looking to settle down as they are still playing harder than focusing on the more important things. And lets face it, those sites are riddled with predators. Yes that can happen on any site, but it is apparent just in the setup on Match.com that they take serious precautions of screening photos, captions, posts, etc. I feel safe using their site which is hard to find in the online world. No wonder they are well advertised with such a good success rate of getting couples together, its because they are running their site in the most effective way. I have never been more pleased or impressed.

With so many opportunities of people to meet in my own area I have complete control of how fast or slow I want things to go. Before you get a bone thrown your way once in a blue moon and half the time you aren't interested. Now I have pages of men I'm interested in, who are interested in me, that I can take my time screening and getting to know before I meet. And the best part is because they are so close that the site is nothing more than a way to be introduced. No more waiting to meet, or getting attached via other methods like phone and email that can cause so many issues. It's be introduced and then meet, almost like the normal way! I'm liking these new opportunities, next comes more dates!

Letting it go

In talking with my girl friend who is also in the dating scene we have come to a few conclusions about online dating. First that guys are completely oblivious that their actions have some serious affect on women. Actually I should begin with their profiles first, guys have no idea how to post photos of themselves. All the self pics in the bathroom mirror, really you don't have a friend to take a good photo of you? It amazes me how many times the photos posted look nothing like the person or don't do them justice. I'm all for a guy being surprisingly better looking in person than their photo but they should be clear enough to tell what they look like. No girl is going to go for the guy with the really weird pictures of himself pulling odd faces, doing strange things. Although I don't normally look at the women's profiles but maybe they are posting the same weird stuff.

Next the real issue which again takes me back to past discussions is needing to meet people in person fairly soon after meeting online. Case in point, you build up a connection and relationship through the various methods of texting, emailing, talking on the phone but until you meet you are never 100% sure of what you really think of the person. So when you do meet and things don't turn out quite what you expected and that connection and relationship is broken and ends, even if it was your decision you wonder why you still miss and want that person. You know its not going to work for whatever reason and yet you can't let it go, why is that? Answer, because you created a bond with someone prior to meeting and it ended, you have to accept the loss of the great connection you had before you met and then move on.

Both my friend and I are having that exact issue of trying to let go of liking someone that didn't quite work out. Everyone likes the attention from a guy and its always hard when its gone. But hopefully you meet someone new and then you move on from the old on to the new. Let's hope with better results.

The weekend visit

Well I survived the weekend away to visit Kiel. I had a great time overall. Got to go golfing, see a few good movies and have some relaxing downtime. I enjoyed having some guy attention and have already decided I'm missing it. It was nice to just be able to hangout with someone you like and can have a good time with. There were a lot of things I really liked about him and then some things that didn't quite gel together. I've decided that what really matters is for the first time in my life I'm dating the normal way. Yes the overall start of dating is more unconventional, but it seems to be becoming more normal in this day and age. It only took 10 years but now I am meeting nice guys, that I think are cute, and that I have interest in. Whether they work out or not isn't the point, just that I'm finally getting the opportunity to date potential guys.

Yes I'm still my crazy self sometimes that likes to sabotage things, but I figure with enough dating practice that might lessen until its no longer an issue. Also I think I know what it is that I am looking for and with enough opportunities to date I will be able find someone with those traits. Of course no person will have everything, but its good to realize what parts are most important. It really is the little things, not what's on some 'perfect guy list' but a feeling that you recognize when you are with someone who has it, or who doesn't. And until you get to meet someone in person and get to know them you just cannot know if they are what you want. This is really what you are looking for....someone who moves on your same wave length. They get you, understand your way of thinking, mirror your ideas, it's any number of things. Those times where you meet someone and go, "we just get each other," thats what I'm looking for. Everyone is different with separate interests and tastes, but it's how you feel in the way you communicate and react to one another that makes a difference.

I don't think I have found what I'm looking for yet. As much as I like Kiel and would love to get to spend more time hanging out I don't think it will go farther than that. There are some things for me that are very important and what I want in the future relationship that weren'tquite there. It is nothing against him, just not quite the right fit for various reasons. I am proud that I am still willing to take risks to meet people and get to know them to see what might come of my efforts. Hopefully one day it will all pay off!

Panicking

I'm going this weekend to meet Kiel and today I am about to lose my mind to panic. We have spent the week talking for hours and hours on the phone and I think I'm starting to like him. I, of course will be very hard and somewhat judgemental still as a way to keep my eyes wide open while I get to know him in order to not miss anything I should be concerned about. I have to say that I am still amused by the double standard game I play. I hold Kiel to a higher standard than I have other people and not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I always go into things with a view of dislike/distrust until I begin to feel sure that its worth my time to allow an emotional connection. With as many conversations as we have had, I have a reasonable view of him as a person and we are a lot alike. I don't want to let being too picky wreck things, but its hard not to stick with what I know.

Where I think most of the panic is coming from is that when we meet I will either like him or I won't, plain and simple. Either way it's got me all stressed out. I'm convinced dating never gets easier no matter how much you do it. I don't want to read into things before meeting or allow myself to get excited or feel any emotions. I tend to go head first, eyes closed when I meet a guy I like and it never turns out well for the obvious reasons. Problem is this guy really likes me already and I hope not to disappoint, which is also a possiblity.

This brings us back to a past post where I talked about the issues brought on with online/long distance dating. The longer you wait to meet the more you get to know someone without the in person piece. You build relationships and create emotional connections without actually connecting with them as a face to face person. It doesn't matter how much you like someone online if you meet and the attraction and connection is not there, then that's it. Nothing is more disappointing than thinking you've met a great guy who you connect with, have great conversation with and could see something with, only to meet and not have the physical connection. Not a good way to do things and it leads to hurt and disppointment, because you can't force things that don't work. There is nothing wrong with long distance relationships as long as you have met the person first and created a connection prior to do doing things from far away.

So we'll see how it all turns out. The 'what if I do like him' outcome is also stressing me out because then I'll have to deal with feelings and making decisions if there is long term potential. Ok I really need to shut my brain completely off and save myself from thinking. Regroup...I will go with the mindset that we are new friends getting to know each other more and then see where things go from there. Wish me luck!

A Possibility?

I find it strange that when I hit my most lonely moments all sorts of new opportunities emerge. Maybe some are those that should be left in the past but some are new ones that I could choose to run with. Case in point, Keil the army guy from Pendleton who on occassion we use Facebook to send messages back and forth. Finally he stepped it up and expressed actual interest and we have used every possible way of communication; Facebook, email, text, phone....now just have to do the most important one, in person.

He is a good looking, funny, easy to talk to, and we have a lot of common interests and life experiences. I would say some of our shared experiences are not my proudest moments and will be something to prevent from repeating but nice to know there is no judgement. It's made me realize I do a lot of double standards between me and guys, like its ok I've made mistakes but not ok if others have made the same ones. It is all a learning experience with a huge learning curve for me. One day I hope to get it right, but for the time being everyone will just be part of a very crazy experiment!

I'm most curious to see what happens when we meet. That's a tell-all for me. First to see if there is actual attraction and interest and how to proceed. Or maybe it will just be a wash, you never know until you meet. If things do go well then some slight distance can be a good thing to allow for communication without the distraction of attraction. Even without meeting I'm already summing an opinion of what I like and don't like about him. I do this every time I'm interested in someone and make quick assumptions of people and their potential with me. This could be the very problem that keeps me single! What I really should be doing is going in with just friends in mind and let things play themselves out. The friend mentality ignores little details that allows for really getting to know someone first before judging things about them that could affect a serious relationship.

All this in mind I just want to hurry up and meet just to know whether or not this is has potential before my little crazy mind steps in and makes a mess of it. Hopefully I'll have something to say about that soon!

Favorite Quote

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

C.S. Lewis

Where have I gone wrong?

This brings me to the question that I was asked by my date. What is it that I am doing that is preventing me from finding someone? Maybe a little harsh of a question but it got me thinking where have I gone wrong with dating. People seemed shocked that I'm still single, with no baggage and never really been in too serious of relationships. Let me say that I too wonder why this is. But his question allowed me to really think about it in a different way. When looking at the last 10 years what has been holding me back? Yes I've been naive and stupid and made some mistakes and had some crappy things happen to alter my view of dating but thats not a good enough reason. Why then, what have I've done to prevent things.....

Here is what I've discovered. Over the last 10 years here is what I was like. The first 5 years of going off to college I could have cared less about my appearance. I was the no makeup, sweatpants/pajama wearing, overweight girl. At the time I really could have cared less what people though of me and my looks but that was to my disadvantage. College is the prime time to be meeting potential guys and figuring out what you want and how to have relationships. With my attitude of not caring I'm sure that came across and the kind of people I attracted were ones who could prey on my insecurities. Those were rough years with some hard lessons to be learned. And it took until leaving the multi-options of college to get with the program. After I came back from college then I began to care. I lost a lot of weight, started wearing makeup and really began to care about how I dressed and looked. Lets just say my parents couldn't have been happier! With that much change I spent a long time away from dating. It was my time to regroup and make changes. Once I felt more put together I started to hang out with singles and joined an online dating site. This puts us at 2005 and the setback for the next 5ish years.

Yes options had lessened since leaving college but I was still finding ways to meet people and go on dates. Enter the next problem.... My first online date that I met in person would change the way everything would be in my life. I met Joe, a single father and from the moment we met I knew he was the 'one.' We dated, then things went too far, then we were friends. But regardless of what he was thinking things were or weren't I never faltered from the fact one day he would realize what a great thing he had and it would all work out. He was my best friend and we just fit so well. No matter if things were up or down with him I held out complete faith it would all work out. With the advice from others not to put all my eggs in one basket I continued to date other people. One in particular who was a great guy and wanted so much to have a relationship with me but I couldn't chose over Joe who I wanted more than anyone else. Needless to say I ruined other opportunities that came my way and never gave 100% to others. Joe was always in the back of my mind crippling all other chances. It took 4 years just to emotionally get over him, then another 2 years of being really good friends and still thinking he was just so great before it all came to an end. After me putting up with so much of his crap and it never being about me, he destroyed our friendship in one evenings worth of texts and that was that. Looking back now I see how I wasted the last 5 years of my 20s on someone who never wanted to be anything with me and took so much from me. It's my own fault that I was so blind to what everyone else already knew. But again I seem to like learning the hard way.

Which put us to last year where I finally had my first real relationship of a whole 3 months and was left completely broken and hesistant to ever put myself out there again. No one likes to be hurt and get their heart broken, so I'm not for trying to let that happen again. Now I am 30, past my prime dating years, still looking great as ever, more emotionally mature, independent and mostly a happy person living my life. Guys my age are usually looking for younger aged girls and I'm not too interested in 40 year olds yet who would like someone my age. Everyone seems to come with lots of baggage by this age and online dating is just an ugly mess. I don't live around a lot of singles and the opportunities to meet people seems to be over. I have thought long and hard on where I could potentially meet someone but at this point they either need to show up at my door or fall out of the sky. Good men were already hard find, try being in your 30s and still looking for them.

Anyway after all these years trying to explain to people why I made it through my 20s without finding someone, now I know and have an answer. Due to circumstances I let what could have been 10 good years of meeting, dating and learning about boys and myself, I missed out. They were not happy times for me but I am happy to close that door and move on to the next 10 years, hopefully with more success. Life is about learning and growing and I feel I am definitely going through that process. I'm still trying to work out my own little kinks and be my best possible self. I suppose I can only hope there is someone out there molding themselves into a wonderful but imperfect person that will be perfect for me.

The Date

For the first time in over a year I went out with someone from my own area. And three months since I've been on a date period. As always I am apprehensive as to the outcome but I went with an open mind. Tim turned out better looking than his online photos and played by the perfect date rules. He picked the resturant and movie, drove all the way to my house to pick me up and put forth all the effort that should be expected from a guy. Love when I don't have to do anything but show up and have a good time. We had a lot in common and conversation flowed well. Because we had met online he talked openly about other girls and we had a few good laughs about the creepers online. He would make a good friend to have to do things with but there were a few things that didn't work for me.

He has a bit of an attitude problem and hates a lot of things openly and verbally. The fact he absolutely hates Oregon and the weather and wishes he lived anywhere else kind of doesn't work for me. I love it here and I'm someone who goes with the flow and tries to be happy with things as they are. Tim does not have that same kind of thought process and could be very negative. I feel that could over time drag another person down, plus he was a little more openly wild with some of his choices that made me not miss my younger day experiences. But it was fun date regardless and someone new to get to know.

And it continues

Let me add a few more boys to the mix. There is Nick who grew up in the same area I did and surprisingly my family knows his family as do some of my other friends. It's more appealing to want to date someone where you know he comes from a great family, says something about the person. But his interest has seemed to die off as well. I don't know if its just the online, long distance thing but I can't keep a guys attention for the life of me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong or unknowingly scaring them away. I'd love to know what is the deal.

As promised I have ended the online site of creepiness (hurray) but then half joined Match.com so not entirely cutoff from online dating. I've decided that its not dating that I'm looking for, but attention. Online is just enough attention from boys without having to deal with the mess of dating them. But that time is about to come.

I have been asked out on a date from a guy online and I'm freaking out. I haven't been out with a guy since my summer romance with Zack that left me broken. I make a great first date, but I'm just not sure I'm ready for the stress that comes from dating new people. If it can stay in the 'friends zone' and no pressure then maybe it won't be so bad. I'll report after I've survived it. I should mention the guy, Tim actually lives in my area but seems to be kind of negative about life. Hates living in Oregon and wants more warm, sunny weather. Whereas I can't get enough of how awesome Oregon is and it would have to be a very amazing Mr. Right to get me to leave my life here. His profession is similar to Zack's and any resemblance to Zack always adds upset to the mix. We shall see how it goes.

Next I am still in contact with Scott and its just enough to keep ties there and hint at meeting and hanging again without being pushy. I still think I have interest there and would like another chance to see him again. Maybe there is a possibility, just need the opportunity to find out. I'm not ready to let this one go yet.

And Kiel from Southern Oregon. He has stepped things up a bit and shared that he is more than interested and wants to meet. Hopefully he'll man up and come visit me, since until you meet someone it just can't count and liking someone does not become real until face to face. I have to admit I might be a little interested, but we'll leave it at that.

Oh and Kelly has made contact again and we will probably hang out and go shooting. I should add the back story to this one. Meet online, then met in person and we connected as friends in a way that is hard to find. It was like I had always known him and could openingly talk about anything, no fear of judgement and truely could be myself. Meeting people like this is very rare and has only happen 2 other times in my life. Everyone needs a good guy friend, one who shows no interest as anything else and you see them that same way. I look forward to great, open conversation on our next outing.

There is a lot happening lately, especially for someone not dating so we'll see how it goes. Lately I have been feeling lonely and needing something to fill that void, hopefully these little tid bits with boys will help with that.

New experiment

I have decided that I should actually truely go cold turkey on the whole not dating, including online dating. With the advice from coworkers, family and friends I'm going to truely give up dating 100% while I work on other parts of my life. And get some relief from all the annoying crap that goes on with online dating. After an amount of time has past I have concluded that I will restart dating in a new way.

I will only go on real dates with people who actually live near me. Online dating does not count as real dating. I need the opportunity to meet people face to face. Also I really want to stay living in Oregon and it would help if I spent my time dating people who actually lived here and not in states I have no desire to live in. With that said I also want to experiment with a new way of what dates are like. None of the usual dinner and a movie. Both are typical and don't allow for getting to know someone. Doing an activity allows for conversation and the opportunity to see how people interact with others.

I leave on that note for a brief pause in dating. Now just because I said I was stopping dating for awhile does not exclude all the random stuff that seems to happen with guys regardless. Be prepared for more stories and fun to come!

Even the nice ones...

To review I met a really nice guy online and over a 3 day period enjoyed being admired and flirted with. Sadly this came to abrupt end the day after Valentine's. We texted Wednesday morning about usual things then that evening I wished him a good night with no response. I waited several days then Saturday asked how his weekend was going? Again nothing. I have concluded that it has happened again and just as quickly as it started, the potential of something is now over. I could be really rational and give the benefit of the doubt that somehow he is really busy with something going on in his life, but really?!?!?! It is not that hard to send a quick text, so I accept that I got excited about this guy for nothing. Lesson learned, again! I really need to be much more reserved with my reaction to attention from guys regardless. I ask myself what is a good amount of time before waiting to allows myself to feel or become involved in the possibility of something, answer is I don't know. It is rather disappointing since this one seemed a little different from the others. Apparently even the nice ones can pull the same lame stunts as all the others. Good men really are hard to find!

Random Event #3 - the most exciting one!

Again I must repeat that I quit dating but somehow have stayed active on online dating sites, which I suppose goes against the not dating remark lol! Anyway after one month of paying for this particular site I was going to deactivate my account, until I missed the date and was charge a renewal fee for another month. In order to not feel like I had just thrown money away I would give it a chance for one month more. Funny enough that leads us into the most exciting random event yet. Again on a Sunday I received an email followed by another from a guy without a profile picture. Normally I would have deleted the email without even looking because there are enough weirdos that I can see with pictures, that I don't take the risk for those who don't post photos (obviously they have done that on purpose). Anyway because two messages had been sent it struck my curiosity. I opened with the second one to find it was a continuation of the first email, which was a very uplifting quote from President Hinckley regarding the worth and powerful importance of women. I found it to be an especially inspiring quote and then saw the emails author did indeed have photos, just not a primary one. Imagine my surprise when I see it is this tall, handsome guy in the picture. I clicked on his profile to learn more and found out he is a widower with a 15 month daughter, a 2 time cancer surviver and what I read made me want to know more.

And so I wrote him back thanking him for the quote, that I was impressed by his positive attitude with the trials in his life and that I wanted to get to know him better. His response was one of shock as he did not expect any response. Rather that I would think him a creep by the message or not even bother to read it. As we emailed back and forth I continued to grow more excited that here was a cute guy who seemed to be interested in getting to know me. I finished the evening of emailing by giving him my phone number so that we could continue another day. Imagine my shock when the next day I went to look him up and his profile, our emails, everything had ceased to exist. I have seen similar things by creepers who would get, on send lots of weird or inappropriate things then delete their accounts. I was devastated that this guy could be like that, he seemed so open and sweet, how could I have been so wrong. I figured he had my number so there might be some hope of contact in the future.

This made it a hard day, but he did text. I text to ask him how his day went with no response. Ugh another disappointment! That night after running my frustations out at the gym he text back and then we began an evening of texting and getting to know each other. And yes he did explain the issue with the online profile and it just wasn't working right, that worked for me. I should mention that his name is Clark, 27 and father of a beautiful girl. I asked the fun questions and some more hard personal questions. He is the oldest of 11 girls and could very well be the most understanding man on the planet! With that he is also one of those guys who uses terms of endearment when talking to me. Usually remarks like beautiful, sweetie, princess are a complete turn off because they are used as a guys way of getting something he wants from you. But the way he uses them in his texts seem to be nothing more as his way to show his interest and to make me feel special, so its working.

The next day was Valentine's Day (oh joy!) and we talked again that night via texts and began to discuss things we were looking for in a mate. Unless I'm just completely being taken on a ride, I see a potentially good thing happening here. Yes I can be a cynic about so much relating to dating and love, and for good reason. I've had enough horrible experiences of being hurt and used I have learned to be more cautious and closed to feeling certain emotions. But try as I might it only takes feeling a connection with a guy to turn me back into a giddy 12 year old girl. I giggle, tell all my friends and feel like I am the most amazing person ever. So much for being closed to dating and love and feeling. I might regret this like so many others but it seems to be impossible to not go running into the sunset, even just for a moment before I hit the wall of reality. Having a conversation with a boy that shares similar interests and gives all indications that he is really into me changes everything. I should admit there is a part of me that prays this could be the 'one' but another voice one of reason, ration and past experiences is telling me to feel nothing and save myself from the cliff ahead. I suppose if everyone did the latter no one would find love. But honestly I quit dating as a way to get away from this and here I am throwing myself right at it again. I swear online dating is even worse because until you meet them in person you can fantasize all you want about the potential until you meet and find out what is really there. When you date the normal way you can figure this out in on the first date rather than spend months of creating a connection with someone you might not have a real in person connection with.

So that is where things are for now. We'll see what another day of conversation will do and where this could lead. Like my favorite quote....'who knows, lightening could strike!' Maybe my turn is coming soon:)

Random Event #2

Ok so there is definitely something about Sundays and Mondays that brings randomness into my life. There was the IM Ryan, but it started with getting a text message from Scott the doctor from Arizona that I met, spent three consecutive dates with but then no effort was made after to meet again. It was nice to text and after a good day of that I did throw out there that it would be fun to come visit for a little weekend vacation of hiking, site seeing, etc and he seemed to take it pretty well. For that one I think only time will tell. He is in a very hectic, busy time in his life where there is not a lot of room for time with someone. So I will semi-wait to see what happens.

Back to random #2, the ex of last summer's fling texted me to say hi. I should give a little background that we had met at the gym and saw each other daily and flirted for about a year. He had a girlfriend so there were no expectations and I could just be completely myself, sweaty working out and all. There was no chance to date him so we became good friends. Last summer after not seeing/talking to him in about 6 months, he informs me it had ended with the girlfriend and he is single and wants to hang out. Granted our first date was 3 days after his breakup and that should have been an indicator for future events. But for the next three months I had never been happier, felt adored and special and finally got the closest I ever have to a relationship. But when I pushed for full exclusivity I was met with resisitance from him to try the single life. That's the problem with being a rebound, they are not ready for another relationship that soon. Things went from great to just unexpectedly over, without an explaination. Don't think I have ever cried that much. I finally got so close to a mutual, caring relationship with a guy I wanted to be with, who likewise wanted to be with me and it ended. What was harder is that nothing was bad, just an abrupt end. I found out a few months later, after a lot of crying, that some things had happened and he was trying again to make it work with the ex. I saw him a day before my birthday as a goodbye I suppose, only to realize there was still something there between us that there was no longer anything that could be done. A month later he proposed to his girlfriend and that put an official end to it.

So I could not have been more surprised by the text. We caught up, laughed over some inside jokes and then again went down the road of I miss you, wish I could re-live those times, excited and panic about getting married and the pressure of that, so just putting out there that I still want you vibe. (Can I interject in this story to say that sometimes boys can be the most irritating thing ever) Luckily with this conversation it was made apparent that I have indeed gotten over the past and the hurt was no longer there. Yes, we could be just friends now and move on with our own lives. What we had was amazing and I hope to find a part of that with someone else. The end of that relationship caused a crucial turning point in my life that I can now look back and see all outcomes were meant to be.

Oh the Drama...

I should put in a little note saying that I've chosen to not date for awhile. I've been thinking 6 months would be a good break and that I could use that time to focus on other aspects of my life and remove all the drama and the emotional rollercoaster that comes from dating. Surprisingly my quitting dating has cause some of the most random events to occur.

Last week while on Facebook I got an IM from an old friend named Ryan. I met him while doing the Hill Cumorah Pageant in 2006 and really liked him minus the fact he was 6 years younger than me and had just graduated high school. After Pageant I definitely could feel the age gap as he told funny stories from high school and I had already been out of college for a few years. Granted I went to his farewell and wrote him all of his mission. When he got back we spoke over the phone and I just wasn't ready or willing to make the effort at that time in my life. He was just too young and we both needed to grow up. My life carried on as single and he met someone, got married and had a baby. So there is the background story, now back to last week.

Anyway I was surprised to have gotten the IM since it had been over 6 years, but it was nice to catch up with what's going on in each of our lives. Plus it allowed for the older, more mature versions of ourselves to be honest about past feelings and such. Apparently he had no idea I had been interested at all after Pageant so he never pushed things. It's amazing now as a more mature, enlightened adult how much I had or did wrong in my 20s. If I could change anything about my life it would be to have the mental maturity of 30 throughout my 20s. I think my life would have turned out very differently and I would have taken other paths.

Ok back to topic, so Ryan and I caught up and he told me that things were not going well in his marriage and his wife was talking about leaving. I found this news to be especially sad, as they have a child and you hate to see things end in divorce. Going back to single is never a happy solution to a problem, just a bigger problem! I was troubled after our conversation. Partly because I felt bad his marriage was having issues, because he still could like me (and could I like him?) It never ceases to amaze me that people I've dated have moved on, gotten married, had children, divorced and are now back on the market for me to choose from. How is this possible? I get a range of 5-10 years of growing up time and then can have the opportunity to re-date old flames? My life has not changed that much, everyone elses sure has, but now we are all back to the same point of single. Go figure!

After the conversation with Ryan I did have one nagging comment in the back of my mind...Why do people get married? I mean yes, people fall in love and so they get married but there has to be more reasons that that to commit the rest of your lifetime to someone. Was it for security, not to be alone, because they made you laugh, got your personality, because you felt forced or it was expected from society. What is that 'thing' about someone that you both feel and realize you want to spend your lives together. The divorce rate is over 50% these days so marriages are obviously not working out. And is that because they are not willing to fight for each other, or they just didn't really think when they said yes.

I come from a culture were people get married young. It just seems expected you go to college, meet someone, get married and start a family. Now understand I am all for this route, but it just didn't happen for me like that. I turned 30 as single as I was in my 20s, no husband in sight. But as I have watched many of my friends marriages fail and some fail through several marriages it makes me think....what is it about those people they married that they said yes to to begin with, because it didn't work out? This topic has inspired me to look further into it and build on some research to get a better idea of an answer to the question. After I learn and research some more I will come back to this.

For now it was nice to catch up with a friend and a random event #1.

Updates

Ok so picking up where we left off. Sadly in the world of online dating one day you are talking to a bunch a different people and the next, silence and it's over. Several guys have fallen off the radar completely. Including father of two Jeff and Jesse. Michael on occasion will like my status on facebook or send me an email.

Those still left are Eli the 24 year old and Kiel the guy from Pendleton both of which whom I text with occasionally. Both seem to be really nice and would love the opportunity to meet them in person and get to know them better.

Online Dating

There is Eli the 24 year old college student. Once we switched to texting informed me that he was embarrassed and felt I was out of his league. I feft completely flattered and surprised. Although it could be related to the fact I'm 6 years old than him. But if not, it has made me realize that it is possible that all this time being single when I felt like there were so many guys out of my league that maybe it was the other way around.

Next is Jeff, the father of 2 who's good looking and seems quite nice, other than the fact he lives in Utah.

Michael the humanitarian from Cali. Who with his nonprofit charity he started with friends, travels internationally and has the most awesome teeth!

Or Kiel who actually does live in Oregon but 6 hours away and is a military guy.

And Jesse who is a single dad, lives in the area and has the most interesting emails and questions. But since we switched to email has gone silent.

I should add that these are all the good options online that I continue to have conversations with either on the dating website, facebook, email or texting.

The rest of what's online more than borders creepy. Nothing like 50/60 year old guys hitting on you. Gross, if you're older than my parents or old enough to be my father it is so not going to happen! But really there are a lot of creepy predators out there. Have to be on guard all the time. I'm already really picky so anything that seems off will definitely take you out of the running. LOL

Introduction

This is the story of a single girl and her random interactions with dating and boys....

To start allow me to introduce myself. I'm 30 years old and have been single every one of those years. Yes I would love to meet Mr. Right and start that next chapter of my life, but while I wait I figure its about time I start sharing all my funny guy-related stories.