With this issue of not being able to feeling I'm frustrated with things. Recently I am now feeling anger, hurt and pain regarding Kyle that apparently I had not let myself feel before. I try to remember to be mature and know that what's meant to be will be and that the right person for me is out there and will work out when the time is right.
I had another date with Jon and as always it was great. We went to dinner and were there for hours just talking, he is so easy to be open with and say anything. I feel completely myself. This was the first time I began to feel something and want to take another step further. Maybe slow and steady is the best approach for me. Part of me wants to let go a little bit and allow myself to open up emotionally to Jon. I like the idea but then I completely panic that I can't allow myself to get hurt again and letting go leaves me open to either getting too emotionally or physically involved. Part of me wants to let go completely of any hopes of Kyle and move on to other things and part of me thinks we can work out. It's making it very difficult to decide how to proceed from here. Gone are the days of dating just for fun and not caring, I just can't stay uninvolved like before. I'm too old for silly games. I thought I was about to start a new life and move into a new chapter. It is hard to step back into single and not knowing when it will ever happen. I would love to have a domestic life as a wife where I can shine as my best self where I am in my element. But for now I am back to being myself in a single, social world.
I am feeling the need for a change, whether its where I live, social, friends, or dating. I just want something to be different in my life. Relationships seem to bring too much drama from me so I rather a change come from other areas in my life. I believe I want to give Jon a full chance but I'm still not sure I am ready. Only time will tell....
Monday, October 8, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I don't feel anything.....
As I slowly weed out dates to find those I am most compatible and connected with I have hit a wall. I like Jon the best of everyone and would like to give that a chance. The problem is I don't feel anything for anyone. This has never happened before. Even if I am really smitten with one guy I still can have feelings for other guys. Apparently that is no longer the case. I've gone back and forth is it just that I'm not that into these guys or something more. I don't feel anything, not butterflies, excitement, or even extreme liking. I know I like Jon but thats it, physical or not I have no emotional feelings regarding him or anybody else. I think I still have strong feelings for Kyle and its holding me back. With all the attention I'm getting lately I still wish it was Kyle calling or texting me each time. I'm waiting patiently for him to get his life back in order so that we can spend some time together reconnecting to see if there is any potential left. Until then I'm struggling to feel. One reason could be Kyle but I also worry its another one. I never want to be with another guy, marriage only this time. Distance physically from men will help keep me out of trouble. And with all the mature changes I've made in my life this decision might cause some issues. I emotionally don't feel; either to protect myself from being hurt, from getting too involved or because I still love Kyle. Regardless of the reason I've never been like this before and I'm not sure how to proceed. I've always liked boys and had so many emotions involved and now nothing. It's like starting things from stratch but hopefully this will be a good place to start the next chapter in my life!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
More Dates
So my date with Jon went really well. I met him for dinner and we talked for hours until it was late. We made plans to met up again that weekend. Several days later we went out to dinner followed by minature golf in the dark. Again conversation was just so easy and I completely feel like myself. Jon hinted at interest on our second date and even kissed my goodnight! We made plans for the coming Monday where I went over to his house and we watched a movie. I like him and very much enjoy getting to talk to him.
I should add that same weekend and I had a few more dates. Prior to my date with Jon and spent the entire day with Ryan and two of his friends boating the Willamette. That was a first for me and his friends girl he brought was super cool. I must say I always enjoy meeting new people, especially really cool and interesting women. We ran all along side Portland, had lunch on a sandy spot then chilled in the sun. Other than a little mishap with the boat breaking down it was a really fun time. Ryan acts super interested and I'm not sure what I think. As I friend he is awesome with lots of hobbies and interests and friends that I would like to be a part of, just not sure I want to be anything more than that.
Sunday I met Jeff for the first time. I drove out to his parents property and we did a little shooting with his siblings and then enjoyed dinner with most of his family. An unconventional date for sure, but very fun. His family was amazing, so much so I'd love to be included with them. Because we were never alone I didn't get to really ask Jeff questions and get to know him better but we talked about hanging out again and maybe hiking which would give the opportunity to connect.
In all this time going on dates, as much as it consumes my time every one of them has been very enjoyable. It is fun to do lots of activities with an array of personalities. Each person brings out sides of me and helps to understand myself better. Thankfully I went on vacation soon after all these dates to get a well needed break. While I was away I realized that maybe I don't want to be doing so much dating as too many guys are interested in being more than friends and I can't keep that balanced. Also I've been struggling with my feelings regarding Kyle, I still want to be with him even with all these new prospects. Dating causes me to miss him more and I can't help but wish for how things used to be. And yet I think that all the back to back dating has let me practice all my new skills and I'm more open and vocal than ever before. I definitely needed the practice.
While I was gone each guy lightly kept in touch and said they wanted to hang out once I returned. When I got back I reclaimed my personal time and have decided that weekdays are for me and weekends for available for dates to help keep things balanced. I wanted to be open with each guy that I was not ready for any serious and just wanted to keep things casual and fun. First person to have an issue was Karl who asked if I was seeing other people, did not take it well and wanted me to be his only. We went back and forth and I'm not wanting to start something with someone unless I am really feeling it and with Karl we didn't get enough time to get to know each other and he was moving faster than I was ready.
Ryan took me out for a motorcycle ride which was amazing, I so miss that. We had a nice time and then went to have dinner where I told him I was not ready to be serious with anyone, that I enjoyed hanging out but was still seeing other people. He seemed fine with it and the night continued. 4 bars, clubbing and adding people to the group it turned into a crazy late night. He then changed his tune to not feeling he knew the real me, to wanting to be my number one person, etc. Not the night I wanted and kind of ruined the nice beginning. He does not have the same kind of lifestyle and I am not wanting to be in an environment thats not me. Its fun once in a while to do something different and out of the box, but I think Ryan and I are just too different and I feel pressure to want and be something I'm not. Maybe if we can get to more friends only we can continue to spend time together doing fun activities, if not things might be to there end.
The next day I had a completely opposite date with Jon. We played disc golf in a park then dinner and movie at his house. I am still surprised at how easy he is to talk to. We never run out of topics, nothing is held back and I feel relaxed to just be me. My dates with Jon are what I had wished my dating life had been like when I was younger. He is sweet, fun and respectful. We don't talk or text much outside of when we are hanging out and I think that makes it better. We have real communication and a connection. I look forward to the next time we hangout. But then I am having some setbacks to all the this....
I should add that same weekend and I had a few more dates. Prior to my date with Jon and spent the entire day with Ryan and two of his friends boating the Willamette. That was a first for me and his friends girl he brought was super cool. I must say I always enjoy meeting new people, especially really cool and interesting women. We ran all along side Portland, had lunch on a sandy spot then chilled in the sun. Other than a little mishap with the boat breaking down it was a really fun time. Ryan acts super interested and I'm not sure what I think. As I friend he is awesome with lots of hobbies and interests and friends that I would like to be a part of, just not sure I want to be anything more than that.
Sunday I met Jeff for the first time. I drove out to his parents property and we did a little shooting with his siblings and then enjoyed dinner with most of his family. An unconventional date for sure, but very fun. His family was amazing, so much so I'd love to be included with them. Because we were never alone I didn't get to really ask Jeff questions and get to know him better but we talked about hanging out again and maybe hiking which would give the opportunity to connect.
In all this time going on dates, as much as it consumes my time every one of them has been very enjoyable. It is fun to do lots of activities with an array of personalities. Each person brings out sides of me and helps to understand myself better. Thankfully I went on vacation soon after all these dates to get a well needed break. While I was away I realized that maybe I don't want to be doing so much dating as too many guys are interested in being more than friends and I can't keep that balanced. Also I've been struggling with my feelings regarding Kyle, I still want to be with him even with all these new prospects. Dating causes me to miss him more and I can't help but wish for how things used to be. And yet I think that all the back to back dating has let me practice all my new skills and I'm more open and vocal than ever before. I definitely needed the practice.
While I was gone each guy lightly kept in touch and said they wanted to hang out once I returned. When I got back I reclaimed my personal time and have decided that weekdays are for me and weekends for available for dates to help keep things balanced. I wanted to be open with each guy that I was not ready for any serious and just wanted to keep things casual and fun. First person to have an issue was Karl who asked if I was seeing other people, did not take it well and wanted me to be his only. We went back and forth and I'm not wanting to start something with someone unless I am really feeling it and with Karl we didn't get enough time to get to know each other and he was moving faster than I was ready.
Ryan took me out for a motorcycle ride which was amazing, I so miss that. We had a nice time and then went to have dinner where I told him I was not ready to be serious with anyone, that I enjoyed hanging out but was still seeing other people. He seemed fine with it and the night continued. 4 bars, clubbing and adding people to the group it turned into a crazy late night. He then changed his tune to not feeling he knew the real me, to wanting to be my number one person, etc. Not the night I wanted and kind of ruined the nice beginning. He does not have the same kind of lifestyle and I am not wanting to be in an environment thats not me. Its fun once in a while to do something different and out of the box, but I think Ryan and I are just too different and I feel pressure to want and be something I'm not. Maybe if we can get to more friends only we can continue to spend time together doing fun activities, if not things might be to there end.
The next day I had a completely opposite date with Jon. We played disc golf in a park then dinner and movie at his house. I am still surprised at how easy he is to talk to. We never run out of topics, nothing is held back and I feel relaxed to just be me. My dates with Jon are what I had wished my dating life had been like when I was younger. He is sweet, fun and respectful. We don't talk or text much outside of when we are hanging out and I think that makes it better. We have real communication and a connection. I look forward to the next time we hangout. But then I am having some setbacks to all the this....
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