Really?

Quick update, James and I went out to a movie and have plans this week for dinner.  He's really nice and easy to talk to but I think we are good as just friends, hopefully that will be ok with him.  I am proud to say that I finally had the talk with Jeff to make sure he is clear that I enjoy hanging out but only as friends.  He was ok with that and we have hung out several times since.

A random distraction has occurred.  I have mentally been in a great place and ok with the life I have, even that it's single.  I got a surprise text from Kyle that included asking me out and that 'I'm not gonna lie, I've missed ya."  Just a bit surprising.  I haven't seen him in over 6 months and now he wants to hangs out and misses me, I'm not sure what to do.  First we'll see if he follows through and we actually get to hang out and I'm curious to see what it's like being in person again.  The only problem is that this has thrown me completely out of my perfectly happy place.  I've been remembering all of our time together good and bad.  I want to go in as a clean state and start back at the beginning, but the longer I wait the more I remember how destroyed I was and have never fully recovered.  Other than new Kyle I have been unable to have any feelings towards guys and even he proved to be hurtful.  I don't know if I can try again with Kyle even though he is the one person I truely loved and wanted to share the rest of my life with.  He broke me and not sure even if he could fix that.  Honestly I have been more concern as to what his motives are.  Is he just lonely and wants someone to hang out with, hook up with or fill in the lonely parts of his life.  Or does he truely miss me and what we had and willing to try again.  The ball is in his court and he will have to make the move and effort if he wants me back.  But I cannot play games, not going to have a Brett situation again.  I can't be just friends with Kyle, too much history.  Either we try dating again or nothing.  This has wrecked my brain and I'm trying so hard to let it go and get back to the right mind.  I do need to vent.  How dare he!  I know he is unaware of the mess he left me in and but how dare he destroy the happy place I was in.  I'm still struggling to find my way back to it, but now the hope and possibility that we could have another go has opened up a pathway for that thought.  Until it plays itself out I can't ignore the idea or the feelings that are coming up.  Funny enough I feel angry most of all.  Even looking at pictures he posts makes me feel all the hurt and even anxiety I felt a year ago.  Apparently even after a year I am extremely affected by Kyle even though I thought I was over him.  Sadly I would give anything for another chance, which I think makes me mad I can't just brush it off and say he has no chance so I don't care.  I do care but I can't get hurt again by him.  I want to go in clean slate but there are a lot of emotions bottled up over this and I don't think I can forget all of that.  I wonder if boys know that by one text message they can cause chaos that was not there before.  Hanging out would have been one thing, but that I'm missed is another and I can't let it go.

I've tried to go back to the things I was working on, like Chad.  The opportunity has not come but I'm hoping soon and he is who I choose and want to get to spent time with and get to know better.  I see him weekly and hope that there is an opportunity there to see what happens.

Also I still email several people on Match and am meeting someone new this coming weekend.  Josiah seems really nice, we text, talk on the phone and are going to spend the entire day together at the Tillamook Fair.  I will be helping him take picture while we are there for his job and I think that a active and public date will be fun.  He seems fun so it will be a good time, as for anything past that I'm not sure we are in the same places in life.  But it will be a fun date and that's what counts.

In regards to that comment I have to say I'm looking for a relationship/marriage and I would like to meet someone I could connect with on all dimensions and levels and is looking for the same thing.  So far that has yet to happen (aside from Kyle) which is probably why I'm willing to keep hope in that because he is the only real mutual relationship I have ever been in but it ended so that says something too.  I'm happy with my life but I would so love to have someone to share with in the journey.  I meet nice guys all the time, they just aren't the right one yet.  The next week or so should prove to be interesting as lots of things are happening and could go many directions.  Guess nothing can stay the same and there will always be something to change everything all over again.